I am now nearly 5 years sober and while clear headed for the most part still have my bouts of depression. I had a realization a couple of months ago that when I feel bad, instead of drugs, I turn to a gigantic unhealthy meal to make me happy. It hit me real hard.
I spent about five years of my life trying to get sober. What does trying mean? It meant I wanted to, I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to stop hurting others and I wanted to build a life. There was one problem however, I was not willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober.
Entering recovery is about building a brand new life from the ground up. We must see that every area of our life was affecting us and keeping us dependent on substances just to get through the day.
Surrender is a word I have heard so many times in my life of trying to get sober. I am the type of addict who lost count of the number of times he relapsed. There was this want from me for everything bad to stop and for me to no longer do drugs, but that want was just not enough. At the same time I wanted to be sober and for the pain to stop, I also kept directing my own life.
It took me about 6 years of trying and failing to finally get sober. It’s a period in my life that genuinely felt like a blur. I can’t remember a lot of events that others can and I could never put any events I do recall in any kind of chronological order.