Surrender is a word I have heard so many times in my life of trying to get sober. I am the type of addict who lost count of the number of times he relapsed. There was this want from me for everything bad to stop and for me to no longer do drugs, but that want was just not enough. At the same time I wanted to be sober and for the pain to stop, I also kept directing my own life. I would always be instructed and guided by individuals with the best intentions to go one way, I would just go another way. The way I wanted to go, that’s what was always the most important. It took me quite a few years of repeating the same cycle of pain and suffering to make the connection that my way gets me high every time. Even when I had the absolute best intentions. For whatever reason, whether I was too inherently selfish or just plain did not know how to build a sober life, I could not get sober on my own. Not only that, I could not get sober on my own ideas of how a sober life should be! Once I finally internalized the fact that I could not trust myself, my way never worked and that I absolutely needed guidance. I was ready to surrender.
Most of my attempts getting sober consisted of paying lip service to many things I was told. I would be in inpatient treatment, and someone working there would tell me I needed a sponsor, I needed to do the steps, I needed to go to meetings, and I need to surrender! I would never be the type to argue I was always the type to comply and go on and do whatever I felt like doing or not doing. So whenever someone would ask me if I surrendered, I’d say ‘Yeah, I surrender’. There was little understanding to me what was behind that word and I thought at the time it meant ‘Yes I understand I can no longer use drugs, I don’t even want to use drugs anymore! I feel great!’. Once I told myself that my life became self-will run riot again. I would always choose to go back home where I am from, and if people told me that’s a bad idea I would think they were crazy and should mind their own business. I would really bank on the idea that while I was in treatment and not craving drugs, I was fixed and set for life. I would usually last about a week outside of treatment before getting high sounded like a fantastic idea. Complete, utter insanity
On March 17th, 2015 I hit absolute rock bottom. It was a completely emotional one. I was at the peak of my addiction, doing nothing but using and staying up for days at a time, and that’s when I received a phone call that would change my life forever. My mom called me to tell me my dad had just died of a heart attack. It rocked my world. I was just fired from my dads company months before and we were not on the best terms. He was my biggest supporter. The next two months I spent crying myself to sleep every night. No substance could take away the pain and sadness I had within me anymore. This brought about complete and total hopelessness. More hopelessness than I had ever felt before. I thought it was impossible for me to get and stay sober and now I lost my biggest supporter in life. I was living in an absolute nightmare.
It turns out that giant feeling of hopelessness is what started my foundation to a new way of life. I had been beaten down so hard that I finally truly understood what surrender meant. It meant that I am no longer going to have a say in what my life should look like or what I should be doing in life. I went to treatment again and this time I not only listened to everyone who helped me there, I did what they said right away. I was so sick and tired of thinking I knew better that my opinion wasn’t even considered. I knew that as long as I accept guidance from others and God as I understand him, I would be okay. To put my hands on the wheel again could mean disaster, and I was so afraid of everything crashing down again I stayed in the passenger seat all along. My first year sober was amazing. Amazing because I was no longer running the show and I was just doing as I was told. I truly believe everyone has a different level of rock bottom. You can decide when you’ve had enough, and when you have had enough you need to truly surrender. You need to acknowledge that you do not know how to manage any area of your life anymore and that guidance is required for it. Once you internalize that, find someone to guide you, and do what they suggest. Life as a sober individual will blow you away. .
Photo Credit
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Guest Author Bio
Daniel Wittler
Daniel Wittler is an Outreach Specialist for Recovery Local, a local addiction/recovery based marketing company. He advocates long-term sobriety by writing for websites like Journeypure.com, providing resources to recovering addicts and shedding light on the disease of addiction. Daniel has been sober for several years, is active in his recovery community and likes to share his message of hope to show absolutely anyone can get sober once they are ready to.
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