My youngest son asked me the other day why I like running so much. I didn’t really know how to answer him. Aside from the healthy body thing, my reasons for running are deeply personal and come from a strange place full of desire, passion, fear and fury.
I made a decision earlier this year to evolve. I don’t think we are, at our core, capable of really changing. We are who we are. But, we can evolve — move forward. Add to our lives and walk away from negative habits, decisions, people — anything. We just have to put our minds to it. I decided to tackle my list one thing at a time. Running was a close second to giving my marriage a second chance.
Instead of using alcohol, cigarettes or men as a means to finding happiness I decided to try being healthy. Give up my vices and replace them with ones that might improve my life because god knows those other ones certainly weren’t. I had a burning desire to give a different lifestyle a try. I wasn’t scared of this evolution, I embraced it.
The pain of withdrawal and moving a stagnant muscle system set me on fire.
The more it hurts, the harder I push. Gone are any reservations I had about people seeing me run — all sweaty and flabby. Instead, as I get that endorphin rush I laugh and smile as I pound it out.
Usually I spend the first half of my run playing a film in my head of some demon I’ve been holding on to. Some negative or guilty feeling or memory. I work it through, screaming at it in my head as my muscles loosen up. I grab it by its neck, give it a good shake and throw it behind me. Leaving it behind.
The other day, right at that exact moment, a bee flew up beside me. It kept pace with me for a good two or three minutes and then flew off. It was so strange and surreal and magical. One of those moments you wish someone else was there to witness, to let you know it was indeed an amazing moment.
Of course I am terrified of this new thing, this new way of being. Who am I without my vices? How am I going to fill my time and what am I going to do when running isn’t enough. Am I going to screw it all up again? Because that’s what I do. But. But I haven’t done it this way before. I haven’t gone this far. I’ve never given up all those things, except when not given a choice. When was that? Well, there were the pregnancies and the nursing and there was times in the hospital. That was it. So? This fear is natural. It’s me evolving.
Over the past few years I have held a lot of anger in me. I have been angry at others and I have been furious with myself. I held it all in. I held it all in until it nearly killed me. That anger pushes me forward. The angrier I get at pain or running or cravings, the more I push it all out, the stronger I get. The better I get.
I run to be better.
Photo Credit
“My Dogs are Tired” Perfecto Insecto @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights reserved.
Recent Jess Howard Articles:
- Marathon Day
- Marathon Training Week 10 and 11
- Marathon Training Week Eight and Nine
- Marathon Training Week Seven
- Marathon Training Week Five and Six
Great article, very inspiring.
I read a couple of your other posts and I noticed that you wrote you gave up alcohol almost exactly a month ago, so you’ve obviously made great progress so far! You should give yourself credit for making it through a month already, celebrate your victories! WTG!!
Thank you for a fresh perspective on running, embracing personal evolution and sharing your own story. I was very moved by your story.