Slimy with cold sweat and fear, I knew I was in trouble, serious like a heart attack trouble. There was a pain in my chest that wasn’t just bad coke; it was too much of nothing for way too long. The Reaper was finally playing his hand, I could feel him right there, right now, I needed to get out.
I knew from my earlier experience in the 50s that if I was under my Hudson’s Bay blanket I would live forever, safe from whatever idiocies the adult world beyond my control could think up.
The long distance runner in me has come to know how best to let the “run” come to him on the day; and whatever the results, pretty, ugly, awful or so-so that there are some days when “it” all comes together, as if in a dream.
“Tom Petty, who died Monday, was tuned in to the blank spaces between our catastrophes and triumphs, when we are desperately trying to sort out what comes next. When we take to running.” ~ The New Yorker, October3, 2017.
It has been that kind of week and, it is only Tuesday.
“If you write it has it happened twice:…” this life of mine might be more complicated than I thought.
I was standing by the window that early morning, just like I did every morning in those years. The sky was often dark and cloudy, the window streaked with last night’s rain. In the evanescent glow from the street lamps I watched the same impossible nightly show…
These pasts remind me
that there are markers to follow,
Pathways in the foothills, the blowing grass, past misted lakes,
I am born Wolf.
I am so very tired.
Night slides into day on the ridge line,
Dirt and distance, dust and sweat
The spiders and the snakes, the dope driven demons of my nights are gone for awhile.
It will be all right. I will be all right. I am all right.
It is a new chapter
a new day breaking
it is always always darkest before the dawn
what’s yours will come to you
and, “It’s all over now
Baby Blue”-Bob Dylan said that.
If I don’t show up for the grunt work, work my way through the night snakes and demons, there is no dance to dance under the Ali’s lights. So it is on me to get well and get back at it.