It’s been a while.
Long meditation. Feels like waking up from another layer of a very deep dream.
I have remembered a lot.
I have remembered that I can know myself, if I choose to listen to every part. Even and perhaps especially, the parts of me that I wish to ignore.
I have remembered that what I see in others – the things that remind me of the good and the bad in human nature itself – exists in me. I can amplify that which hears best, and construct and deconstruct all things, depending on whether or not they serve Highest Purpose.
I am being constantly reminded that whatever I send out is a beacon for likewise. When I send out stillness and acceptance of all that I have remembered in the future, I become comfort to others on the path to Highest Purpose; simply by sitting with the understanding that I have insight and in-hearing.
I have remembered that what I think I know is never the whole story. And that my words might always fall short; as if I am grasping at smoke in a superhero’s pipe dream.
I listen to a song called Mellow Surrender by Phat Daddy J, a man who’s real name is Carl Jones. He just walked into my space with his lovely wife, Linda. Following a most amazing conversation, he told me to read a book written by a CIA physicist, Russell Targ, entitled The Reality of ESP: A Physicist’s Proof of Psychic Abilities.
Let the smoke from the superhero’s pipe fill the room.
I have remembered that my actions are what show who I truly am; and that my actions show that underneath and above all the trappings within my spin, the deepest feeling I always have – the core feeling – is an innocent joy, for simply being able to keep coming back to that feeling, and share it with others.
I have remembered that at any moment, so long as I remember that my future Self – the best version of me (the path I choose out of wisdom and not fear), who whispers to me from a place that feels like it’s coming from both inside my cells, and from eons away through time – does not whisper to me for the reasons my analyzing mind might think.
I have accepted that I might not fully comprehend the things I transcribe.
My confidence now shakes as my confidence then speaks.
The whispering of what has been, punctuated so confidently in time, like a period at the end of a mind-blowing line, in a song that you hope never ends, includes both the past and the future. The whispering of what has been encompasses the past and the future; what ‘has been’ is a matter of perspective.
Photo Credit
Photo is pixabay creative commons
Thank you Cass. I truly appreciate it.
I admit feeling quite vulnerability right now: This thing called life, when truly examined … it’s difficult to describe the sense that what we thought we were, what we have been conditioned to believe as ‘our identity’, through nature and nurture both, when it begins to fall away through self examination … how utterly exposed and vulnerable it can make one feel. Especially as it feels as if we are running down time, as it speeds ever faster into infinity.
I feel compelled to write again: About the fact that the peeling away of the layers of us – all that might have served (artificial?) purposes – the ‘we must do such and such in order to ‘be a successful part of it” – is nothing short of a double edged sword.
It feels, at once, like an exciting unfolding of something new and real and original and innocent – like a return to that which we loved and were before the conditioning algorithms of ‘this is what you should be in order to be liked, worthy, successful, etc’ – but it also feels like … it’s as if the ‘knowing yourself’ thing goes hand in hand with a willful self-excommunication from everything comfortable, familiar, and reliably ‘safe’ … that one is imposing the suffering and exclusion that comes with ‘separating oneself from one’s programmed identity’, and therefore, responsible for all that follows (even if it’s something as simple as choosing not being a part of social media, which can make one the subject of ridicule, as if there’s something innately wrong with choosing to live real life, instead of feeding the highly edited ‘pretend game’ of ‘what we want people to think’ as opposed to living in the real world as ‘what we truly are’ … or if it’s something as complex as choosing to believe that one can heal all dis-ease within oneself, by having the courage to continually understand that one’s adopted and learned identifying parameters are NOT the definitive be all, end all of who one truly is …)
Regarding everything from how to meditate, how to eat, how to live, how to be successful, how to be happy, to social media, and regarding the possibility that we can take responsibility for ourselves, instead of existing in a kind of ‘someone else will do it; someone else must validate/see me’ mentality, the choice to not accept the parameters of impossible expectations – to be ourselves, but ‘not that way’ – ironically, brings out True Exposure of Self.
The irony has a metallic taste, and it pits us against ourselves. Blame, shame, game; what’s your name?
Who are we when no one’s watching?
In a world obsessed with keeping up appearances?
When we choose to know ourselves, truly and with stoicism, persistence, gratitude and confidence, the old conditioning fights harder to win us over. It’s voice becomes louder and more insistent: That we can’t ‘win’ at life if we choose not to ‘play’ within the impossible parameters established for us. And what kind of regular person would have the audacity to think their way of being is better than ‘the norm/popular/established way’?
Who are we when no one is watching?
What ambiguity lives in the mystery. What strength we must summon to stand up to the lies of convenience.
In short, it’s not all flowers and sunshine. Which is why I am going to go outside and absorb the flowers and sunshine prior to writing more. Because this process … it requires a kind of confidence and fortitude which I admit, does not come easily to me. And I feel the need to apologize if I have ever made it seem as if it’s as easy as hitting an easy button.
I take so much comfort in having sounding boards, and support. So thank you, Cass.
I also take comfort in the natural things because they are like I wish to be, underneath this ineffable, flowering process. They just are. They don’t even have the ability to need or ask to be anything other than what they are. The sun doesn’t care if we choose to feel its warmth on our skin, and the flowers don’t care if we see their beauty or taste their lovely aromas. To even personify such things with qualities we humans cling to .. it puts things into perspective. And as the layers peel off, we need that. Like air. Because this process .. it’s one of the most difficult things to put into words, because it’s the same and different for every single one of us.
Life as a human.
what beautiful words – thank you for sharing