In her last post, Thriving on the Other Side was shocked to discover the man she loved and trusted had other ideas…and other women. The discovery unleashed an outpouring of rage, sadness and grief. In this post, Thriving returns to Sue, her therapist, to continue with a form of psychotherapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR).
TRIGGER WARNING: This article or section, or pages it links to, contain information about sexual assault and/or violence against women which may be triggering to survivors.
Sue waited for me to collect myself after sharing the betrayal of my guy. Then she suggested we use the heart opening of this moment to explore what was under the surface of my emotional upheavals. I was already in an upheaval beyond measure — why not use it for a good purpose?
I was raw and oh-so-vulnerable. So I said yes and we began the EMDR session. As I sank into those lights, all I could feel was the pain of my broken-with-no-hope-of-healing heart. No other event, not the horrors of those nights with death looking over my shoulder or the litany of betrayals, nothing could compare to the devastation I felt at this moment.
Images began to pour through my consciousness — random flashes accompanied by ‘a knowing’ of what those images were all about. A dinner with my guy when I’d caught his eye on the woman at the next table, a flight schedule that didn’t match with what he’d told me about his trip, a suddenly silenced phone conversation.
And then — I’m in the bathtub. I’m little — a tiny child. And I’m hurting. The water is too hot; it burns my skin. I’m crying and begging to get up but I’m held down by a strong hand. My grandmother has something and she’s hurting me — badly.
I scream for help but no one comes. I’ve been a bad girl — I’ve broken a mixing bowl. I look down and it’s a wooden spoon inside me, in my little girl place. She’s twisting it — bringing new pain with every turn. I scream again, begging for forgiveness. Please stop. Please, Grandma. I didn’t mean to be a bad girl, I didn’t mean to break the bowl.
I hear the door and my Daddy’s steps on the floor, coming closer — I scream louder, begging him for help. Knowing my Daddy will save me. My adored Daddy is here. He’ll protect me.
He enters the bathroom, takes one look and starts to reach for me. But Grandma stops him with a look — her look that tells you there’ll be heck to pay if you don’t mind. I reach up my little girl arms and scream for Daddy to save me…he turns and walks away, leaving me to my grandmother’s torture. My little girl is devastated — Daddy has abandoned me to pain and suffering. He walks away and leaves me, all alone, powerless.
I’m five years old, I am alone, in pain, with no hope of being saved from my trusted Grandparent. I’m her victim, and there’s no one to help me. Daddy left me….
And so the journey to the other side of me begins.
Photo Credit
“Punido Souvenaunce Canto (Child Lost)” Angelhead @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
Recent Bel Brown, Thriving On The Other Side Articles:
- The Power of a Pause
- The Power to Change Our Story
- The Power to Co-Create
- Of Faith and Fear
- What’s in a Secret?
I just wish to say how heart rending your recent articles are and how I personally hope you will be able to move on, even if it is slowly and with the help of your physicians.
I feel pretty certain others will comfort you, here, with their personal words of reassurance.
Thank you for having such tremendous courage in sharing with us all, these terrifying moments of your personal distress at so young an age. These words you have written are very very hard to read without shivering in distress for you.
The atrociousness numbs our minds and triggers horror on reading them. That you were so very young and left alone, in a such a moment of bestiality, to contend with such awfulness is unthinkable.
Please, dear person, continue to allow yourself to heal.
Thanks so much for your kind words Joan.
Uncovering these memories is by far the biggest challenge of my life. It’s also totally changed my life – in every aspect.
I still have bad days, still have layers to uncover of the memories my poor little girl buried because she just couldn’t cope. I’m actually working through another one as we speak – you’ll read about that soon.
The grand news is that overall I’m on the Other Side. Yes, there are cobwebs and still some clutter to release – some of it BIG clutter. But I’m a different person now – the scary voices are gone, I’m powering into a future that is bright and joyous. And I’m healing.
I am sharing all of this because I know now more than ever that there are SO MANY women and children (both boys and girls) who have been abused. I want to share my journey, fuel their hope and perhaps inspire some healing.
I’m blessed by your support. Thanks so much my friend.
Luv n light
Thriving