Every two years, during the media build up to the Olympics, I sigh and grumble and complain. That? Again? Didn’t we JUST have one, like two years ago?
And every two years I find myself glued to the TV for 14 days, spellbound and dumbstruck with what some people are able to do with their bodies. On purpose. They do this stuff ON PURPOSE.
Crazy.
The next time someone calls me crazy for liking to drive 16 hours a day all by myself I’m going to say, Have you even seen Skeleton? Head first down a glacier slide? And that’s IOC sanctioned!
So in honour of all of those psycho Olympic Athletes out there, I present you with (drum roll, please):
Sarah’s Top Reasons She Will Never Win A Gold Medal In Anything
1. I don’t believe that hundredths of seconds is a meaningful unit of time.
Take a look at some of the skiing and skating times. The difference between 1st and 20th can all be within THE SAME SECOND. I mean, COME ON! That’s practically the same finishing time. Let’s give everyone a gold for not falling down and then all go to the pub for beer and potato skins.
2. I’m not very competitive.
Maybe I covered this one in number 1. But we’re talking about the whole world’s most elite athletes. The best of the best. The Olympic attitude seems to be “get gold or go home”. But even the gal that finishes absolutely last in her event — say 30th — is still the 30th best girl in the world. And when we’re talking about three BILLION girls, what’s the difference between 1st and 30th, especially when they all finished within seconds? Doing something crazy that would likely put a normal person in traction at the hospital for years.
Again, I say let’s chuck the scoring out the window and get to that pub already!
3. I’m not a big fan of crowds, or people yelling at me.
Even if it’s encouraging yelling, it still annoys me. And who isn’t stressed by crowds? I’d be at the start of my race and I’d want to grab the commentator’s mic and scream, What are you all looking at? Hmmm? Don’t you have anything better to do? If I could compete in complete privacy, maybe I would consider it.
4. I don’t really like the cold, or snow, or things to do with winter.
This one pretty much rules out all Winter Olympic activities. I think it might also put my Canadian citizenship in jeopardy. That leaves me with the Summer Olympics, and…
5. The summer is not for training.
I wait patiently from November to April for some decent weather around here. Once I get it, I’m going to sit in it, gosh darn it. Camping, hiking, barbecues, patios with beer: these are summer sports I can get behind. None of this up at 4am to train for hours and eating nothing but lentils and rice just to try to be 0.0001 seconds faster than last year.
I’d like to end with a message to all you athletes who did not get a medal this year. You are still way faster, stronger and generally better than the rest of us couch potatoes who sit in bars and yell at you through our TVs. This may be cold comfort, but in my humble opinion, you all deserve medals.
And potato skins. Lots and lots of potato skins.
Photo Credits
“IMG_2697” CaBle27 @ flickr.com. Creative commons. Some rights reserved.
Yeah, the hundredths of a second thing blows me away too. Never mind people sliding down a track at greater than 130 km/h. Madness!
Loved it, Sarah! I totally relate to everything you said, potato skins and beer beat out a trip to the gym, hands down!
Ice Dance too, how can one tell the difference for scoring – it all looks mentally hard. I want potatoe skins!
Agreed! The Olympics require a bit of perspective–ALL of these athletes are amazing and you’re totally right about 1/100th of a second being a ridiculous measure of time. Thanks for bring some levity to the Games!
Make me jump a ‘ gym horse’ , and I am doomed. Climb a dratted rope..my skin blisters and on and on. I am with you all the way. But then, make me take my nose out of a book and I get snarly.
Nicely written funny article..bravo. Sarah.
Yeah, it’s the 4 am thing that really gets me, especially on those winter days when we have soooo much dark. Why be out in it? I started my rowing career sharing a “novice 8s” boat with Silken Laumann – I gave up on early mornings and slept in. OK, it was a 12-week rowing career. Kudos to all sleep-deprived, dedicated Olympians! (AND they can burn off their potato skins in a morning practice, too)
Sarah …. thanks for a fun read …. you just won your first gold!
LOL! Love this! Thanks for the great morning read with my coffee! (mmm…. potato skins!)
So right, my dear. Most people deserve a gold medal for just getting out of bed to face their
pitiful mundane lives. Ah, except anyone who reads LAAH
Sarah…I’m with you! More beer and hugs all around.