And every two years I find myself glued to the TV for 14 days, spellbound and dumbstruck with what some people are able to do with their bodies. On purpose. They do this stuff ON PURPOSE.
The next time someone calls me crazy for liking to drive 16 hours a day all by myself I’m going to say, Have you even seen Skeleton? Head first down a glacier slide? And that’s IOC sanctioned!
So in honour of all of those psycho Olympic Athletes out there, I present you with (drum roll, please):
Sarah’s Top Reasons She Will Never Win A Gold Medal In Anything
1. I don’t believe that hundredths of seconds is a meaningful unit of time.
Take a look at some of the skiing and skating times. The difference between 1st and 20th can all be within THE SAME SECOND. I mean, COME ON! That’s practically the same finishing time. Let’s give everyone a gold for not falling down and then all go to the pub for beer and potato skins.
2. I’m not very competitive.
Maybe I covered this one in number 1. But we’re talking about the whole world’s most elite athletes. The best of the best. The Olympic attitude seems to be “get gold or go home”. But even the gal that finishes absolutely last in her event — say 30th — is still the 30th best girl in the world. And when we’re talking about three BILLION girls, what’s the difference between 1st and 30th, especially when they all finished within seconds? Doing something crazy that would likely put a normal person in traction at the hospital for years.
Again, I say let’s chuck the scoring out the window and get to that pub already!
3. I’m not a big fan of crowds, or people yelling at me.
Even if it’s encouraging yelling, it still annoys me. And who isn’t stressed by crowds? I’d be at the start of my race and I’d want to grab the commentator’s mic and scream, What are you all looking at? Hmmm? Don’t you have anything better to do? If I could compete in complete privacy, maybe I would consider it.
4. I don’t really like the cold, or snow, or things to do with winter.
This one pretty much rules out all Winter Olympic activities. I think it might also put my Canadian citizenship in jeopardy. That leaves me with the Summer Olympics, and…
5. The summer is not for training.
I wait patiently from November to April for some decent weather around here. Once I get it, I’m going to sit in it, gosh darn it. Camping, hiking, barbecues, patios with beer: these are summer sports I can get behind. None of this up at 4am to train for hours and eating nothing but lentils and rice just to try to be 0.0001 seconds faster than last year.
I’d like to end with a message to all you athletes who did not get a medal this year. You are still way faster, stronger and generally better than the rest of us couch potatoes who sit in bars and yell at you through our TVs. This may be cold comfort, but in my humble opinion, you all deserve medals.
And potato skins. Lots and lots of potato skins.
“IMG_2697” CaBle27 @ flickr.com. Creative commons. Some rights reserved.