On a recent visit to my chiropractor, I ran into an old friend. Once the mandatory reminiscences had been dealt with, he whipped out his iPod Touch and showed me dozens of photos of his grandkids. A slide show, no doubt, complete with music. I’m not sure which he was more proud of, the new iPod or his grandchildren. I wasn’t the least bit impressed with the technological gizmo, regardless of the gigabytes. The kids? Now there’s another matter.
I wish I had grandchildren. Since my two kids grew up and moved on, the closest thing to a baby around our house is a dog that doesn’t listen and runs away at every given opportunity.
I guess I am fortunate in one way. My sister lives a couple blocks from me and she’s got the three cutest grandchildren one could imagine. I love visiting there when the little ones are present, but I can almost read their minds as soon as I attempt to pick them up. This guy’s not my grandpa. This guy’s not anybody’s grandpa. I think I’ll just scream my little head off. Great uncles just don’t cut it.
I need my own grandchildren. I can’t think of a single thing that would cure the empty nest blues more than having to wade through piles of Fisher Price plastic on my way to the bathroom. No sound is sweeter than the twanging of the doorstopper spring when a crawling baby first discovers it, and an infant’s smile will brighten even the gloomiest of days. Grandchildren are a gift, and I’m still waiting for mine to arrive.
No one’s ever accused me of being patient. The way I see it, I’ve got two shots at this thing, so I called my son who is attending technical school in Calgary. We chatted for a while about hockey, his schooling, and life in general. I then eased the conversation into my problem area, and explained he could help me out. He wouldn’t have to get married. Just, you know, reproduce. He said that didn’t fit in with his plans. HIS plans? Talk about selfish.
On to plan B. My daughter, in Sydney, Australia.
“I know it would mess up your travel plans. But you must be sick of travelling by now; you’ve been at it for several months. Besides, how about helping out your dear old dad?”
That’s about as far as I got before the line went dead. Funny thing is, I haven’t been able to get in touch with her since. These inter-continental cell phone connections are so unreliable.
It looked like there would be no grandchildren in my life. Not for a while, anyway.
Somewhere in the frontal lobe of the cerebrum, there lies a space where great ideas are born. Whether they are brought to the forefront of our imagination by circumstance, an act of God or illicit drug usage remains to be determined. My EUREKA moment arrived in the middle of the night, like a vision. It was too simple, why hadn’t I thought of it before? Not wanting to make a hasty decision on something so important, I gave the concept a good ten minutes of sober reflection before taking action. At that time, I awakened my slumbering wife and declared, “Shelly, we need more kids!”
• • •
I went back to the chiropractor again the other day, and he recommended I get a new couch. Sleeping on this one is giving me a kink in my neck.
Photo Credits
“Curious” allspice1 @ flickr. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
I just found your story, I too have no grandchildren. Your humor is wonderful and right on target. I guess I will wait as long as it takes. Thanks for the laughs <3
Hi Terry – Hope you don’t mind that I shared this story with my blog readers – I just love it! 🙂
http://www.julieharrison.ca/living/sharing-stories/
Wow, thanks Julie! That’s the ultimate compliment, I’ll definitely be checking out your blog.
Hey, as you know, I have a brother in law who has a whole mess of grand kids.
These kids all seem to have three of four birthdays a year, to which we get invited. I believe it’s because we (Joyce) buys nice gifts. I did suggest that we consider cheaper gifts and get off the A list. However, we do enjoy the kids. The adults—–that’s another question.
Love the story. Would these grandchildren be related to me?????
Only if you (Joyce) buy nice gifts.
Ha Ha Ha -Too funny Terry!!!! Yep had the same thoughts a while back-when will we be Grandparents? Now we have one that’s 20 months old-Want to borrow her for -1 hour/1 day/ even 15 minutes give us a call. LOL Your time will come !!!!
Keep up with the great stories-Love them.
Great story Terry,,,, but yes, be careful what you wish for. I would laugh at my friend Cindy when I would met her at the post office and she would say ,” OH Agnes I just got some new pictures of my .grandkids ” I would think ,”Oh Not more pictures”, but things change when the shoe’s on the other foot .. Now being the proud Nanna of 6 grandkids , Its amazing the Love you have for them . You would give your life for your children, and when it comes to those little kaffers ,,,,,the Love for them is overwhelming !!!!! Will look forward to the day when it’s your turn my friend !!!!!!
Terry one should be careful of what you wish for…My mom cried the blues about grandkids,only having one…now she has 6 and one great grandchild.
Great story Terry. This empty nest syndrome really does suck. I can’t wait for grand kids too. Everyone out there with kids still at home enjoy every minute with them cause they grow up way to quick.
Great story T-dawg! but yeah I hate to break your heart but your definately going to have to wait:) love you xo
Hi Terry!
I have something just for you!
http://www.lifeasahuman.com/wp-content/temp/forterry.wav
Have fun 😉
Cheers
Gil!
Thanks, Gil, but i don’t have the required softwear to open this. It’s kind of like a birthday present that you’re not allowed to open.
Hi Terry,
Do you use a PC? If so, you can right mouse button click on the link, save file as a .wav and open it in windows media player. If you have a mac, please read Sarah Gignac’s article LOL
Cheers
Gil
Thanks, everyone, for your awesome comments. You made my day! A two year old, Julie? Send the young one over, priority post, of course.
Terry & Maggie – I’ll lend you my two-year-old. 😉
Terry thanks for a good laugh, I type with tears in my eyes. Why the tears you ask? Well it depends which eye you query. The right one tears with laughter at a great read, the left one with chagrin. I too have grandkid envy! My good friend has 2 children, both younger than my three … and already she has six grandkids with one more on the way! It drives me to distraction! A few years ago I even contemplated tampering with said “protection”. Fortunately my husband threatened me with “the couch” and I regained my senses.
I feel your pain! I’m so pathetic I’m dreading my kids leaving home and am starting to eye other people’s children. I do know that kidnapping is illegal, but perhaps we could start a lending library for deprived weirdos who love little kids. Or maybe we could get hobbies.
I love your writing, Terry, keep it up. And let us know what colour your new couch is.
Often I cannot await the ‘next day’ to read the LAAH articles and
so, Terry, last evening, after reading yours, I went to bed laughing so much
that it went on and on to the occasional giggle. I guess I went to bed smiling.
Thank you for this article, which, although full of fun, is also full of pathos.
You courageously put yourself in print and with good humor.
I sure hope your children read your article and deliver.
There IS a reason for everything Terry, and then , who knows , maybe twins?.
My parents feel your pain! Three daughters in their thirties and not a little ‘un in sight. There must be a support group for deprived parents of selfish adult children.
Oh, Terry you are hilarious! Loved reading this. And although my own parents have never in the least suffered from any empty nest syndrome (my mom had the rooms made over before my youngest sibling had made it to the end of the block), they do have a special sparkle in their eye any time their grandkids are around. I hope life will bless you with them … in good time, in good time.