My life was a continuous cycle of starting new and exciting things, deciding I was not good enough, and then self-destructing to the point of no return. I wallowed in self-pity and played the victim card so much that being a “victim” became my whole identity; I was a shell of a human being, was hooked on substances that did nothing but make my life messier, and was completely wasting my potential. In hindsight, I can recognize that the reason behind my behavior was a result of lacking the tools that I desperately needed in order to heal from my trauma, deal with everyday life, and grow as a person.
What it was Like
Growing up, I was given everything I needed but for some reason, I still felt incomplete. I had an emptiness that was deep-rooted and extremely frustrating because I had no clue where it stemmed from. When I look back at my childhood, I have a hard time remembering any of the good times; everything that stuck with me was based around trauma and I think that is because it is easier for us to remember the negative things that scarred us as children. I went through a freak dog attack at 7 years old, which left me physically and mentally damaged. I began to use my PTSD as an excuse for my erratic behavior.
How I got into Recovery
I was addicted to meth, in an extremely abusive relationship, and felt completely hopeless. My days surrounded around trying to score drugs and avoiding as much social interaction as I could. I was afraid to sleep because I would have extremely vivid PTSD nightmares, terrified to talk to people because I was ashamed of my drug usage, and could not handle any of the normal responsibilities that were expected of me; I became a reclusive person.
Being in active addiction invited a lot of other sick people into my life. Most of my friendships were purely transactional, meaning there was no actual bond; only an understanding that if I’m getting something from my friend, they expect something in return. Since I lacked any sense of self, I would adapt my personality to match the people around me. I would self-destruct to the max and match my morals to fit the decisions I wanted to make, rather than basing my decisions off of my morals. Hanging out with other sick individuals made me vulnerable to experiencing more trauma and that is exactly what happened; I am a survivor of sexual assault, like many men and women I know.
Once the substances stopped numbing the pain caused by my trauma, my emotions spiraled out of control. I was close to hitting bottom and getting to the point of desperation that would allow me to swallow my pride and ask for help. The exact moment that I realized I was in over my head and needed to do something to save my life, was when my boyfriend at the time threatened to kill me during drug-induced psychosis. I could tell that he was not present in his own mind and I knew that if I didn’t leave, my life would end. Today, I am grateful for this experience because that moment is when I decided I could not manage my own life and I desperately needed help.
Why I call myself a “Grateful Addict”
Despite the hardships that I have experienced in my past, today I am genuinely happy and my life is full of purpose and love. All I ever wanted was to find my place in the world, find happiness, and be able to make a positive difference in other people’s lives. Going to treatment allowed me to acquire the tools that I was lacking and learn how to utilize them in my daily life.
I finally went through trauma therapy, which removed most of my obsession to use substances. I don’t suffer from PTSD nightmares anymore, I am able to have truly intimate relationships for the first time in my life, and I have accepted that my trauma does not define me. Removing all of the mental obstacles that unresolved trauma was causing me has helped me monumentally.
Without the 12-step fellowship that I have found through treatment, I would not have an exact outline of how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy manner. These days, I am able to let go of my fears and brainstorm ways to resolve conflict with fellow recovered addicts. My addiction has brought me to a place where I am able to feel whole and loved.
Photo Credit
Photo is pixabay creative commons
Guest Author Bio
Kailey Fitzgerald
Kailey Fitzgerald is a young writer in the recovery community. She is passionate about breaking the stigmas relating to addiction and mental health through sharing her experiences.
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