The fallen angel
I was a hard working writer who loved his work. I was a source of inspiration for the people around me to find their sense of purpose and work hard towards it. And then, in a quick swirl of unexpected moments, everything changed. It was in that dark phase of my life that I lost my focus on the work that I loved to do so much. Depression hit me hard. As it always happens, everyone I loved and trusted was somehow unintentionally unavailable to me in those months. Life had given me a sucker punch in the face and I fell down into the mud. Miserably broken.
After trying hard to fix myself, I turned to spirituality for answers. Every morning and evening, I would go into the nearby park and meditate. I craved to calm my mind. I wanted the storm to pass so that I could see things clearly and get back my sanity. I desperately sought mental peace.
But like every other thing, spirituality also wasn’t offering any relief to my tormented soul. I was frustrated. I almost felt like quitting. I doubted if God or any other power existed in this world – that heard our prayers and cries. Maybe, we were just left in this world, all alone, to slowly perish and die. Maybe, I could just sleep away those extra hours, instead of wasting my time on such useless pursuits. I thought.
One of those evenings, I was just sitting on a park bench. I had closed my eyes in meditation for a few minutes. I was struggling to see the lights of the chakras – as I had read in a random article on the internet. Suddenly I felt something on my fingers. I opened my eyes to find a mongrel licking my fingers.
Befriending the bitch
Let me tell you something about myself. I have never been much of an animal lover. And I especially hated street animals. They were so dirty. I was of the opinion that they must be either caught and killed, or kept away from human establishments.
But on that particular evening, before I could shoo away the bitch, I happened to look into her eyes. I felt as if the Universe was trying to communicate with me through those deep, dark, yet shining eyes. In that moment, I forgot all of my biases and caressed her head with my fingers. I felt that my heart somehow received all my answers in a zip file, that yet needed to be un-zipped. The bitch sat beside my foot after some time.
I looked up and saw the sun setting. I got down from the bench and sat on the grass, beside the bitch. She was looking straight at the setting sun. She wasn’t thinking about how she was going to find food that night. She had a small wound near her neck – but she wasn’t worried that it would become infected and might even lead to her death. She was simply watching the sunset, nothing else. And she was doing it with her entire being.
At dusk, I closed my eyes once again. This time I wasn’t trying to see some light, nor was I trying to calm down my mind. I sat there and breathed. Just like the bitch. I don’t know for how long I sat there. When I opened my eyes, it was dark outside but all illuminated inside.
The bitch was playfully jumping across the field, catching flies. I walked towards my home with my head filled with light and my heart filled with hope. The bitch accompanied me. I named her Micky and we became friends.
I realized that the lever of happiness that I thought that I had in my hand, wasn’t working anymore. I had to let it go. Thus, I stopped trying to control things. I learned that all the chaos I had in my mind, didn’t necessarily need to be intellectually dealt with. Instead, it was supposed to be dropped once and for all.
From that day onward, I made a few changes in my thinking patterns – I stopped thinking. Neither did I console myself with the hope of a brighter future, or try to justify my bad experiences, thinking that it was leading me to something bigger and better. I started living in the present. All I thought was; how am I going to make this moment the very best moment I have ever lived?
I applied the same philosophy to my work. I decided not to write, until I felt like I was ready to write again. I let go of the fear of losing the artist in me, and trusted that time would eventually bring back that artist. That eventually … wasn’t too long. After a few weeks of aimless wandering, doing almost nothing, my heart came back to its holy grail. Gradually, I fell back in love with my work.
Now I meditate only in the mornings, because in the evening I am either busy with my work or chilling out with friends (yes, they all came back from nowhere). At dawn, Micky waits for me, wagging her tail, at the door. Then we go to the park like two best friends. Sometimes, she even wakes me up with her barks. Recently, she gave birth to three puppies. They live near my garden and I feed them daily.
Photo are public domain from http://Unsplash.com
Guest Author Bio
Saurabh Srivastava is a writer who loves helping people find and pursue their passion in life. You can register for his free online course ‘The Passion Project’ at his website and create the most passionate work life for yourself.