The other day – the day before Valentine’s day, in fact – a girl I was talking to made a remark about not wanting to be out on Valentine’s Day with all the ‘single crazies’.
Her words made a few things occur to me.
One, non-single people proudly love asserting the fact that they are not single. Two, people in relationships tend to perform ‘marking rituals’ (the man she was currently dating was right there), when certain singles are around, as if we are a contagious predatory virus manufactured underneath Raccoon City, whose sole purpose is to relieve them of their relationship status. Third, this blurted out observation spoke volumes about how she and we perceive single people – crazed with the dreaded ‘singleness’ social disease; looking and hoping for what she herself thinks she’s captured – worthy of pity, especially on the one day of the year in which being single seems to be a car(di)nal sin.
Barfing libertarian chunks right about now!
Although I am certain this girl did not mean to insinuate that all single people are crazy, the idea of being alone or having one’s partner leave – the fear of it – can indeed make people crazy, and no matter how one might try and hide it, this fear echoes from us, and echoed from her, long after the sound of her words had faded away.
We are mammals who have historically run in herds, and although we don’t necessarily need to monogamously pair off, it is not considered stereotypically normal for individual mammals to go off on their own. In fact, this kind of circumstance can indicate that one has been rejected by a group, which can in some cases mean that individual is rogue, wild, antisocial and even a threat to the group.
If we still lived in inclusive tribes in the forest, or if we were chimpanzees or gorillas or whales, we might in fact be (in) serious trouble as solo fliers. But we don’t and aren’t. We have chosen to create massive cities, filled with individual living spaces, designed to enhance personal space and independent living – aspects which make for economic flourish and enthusiastic sales pitches in real estate circles. For better or worse, it has allowed a new kind of breed to develop: The independent breed. A breed of hermits. Searchers. Explorers and adventurers. People who simply are not bound by the idea that dating and mating is the be all and end all of being alive.
In the case of most things we don’t understand or are afraid of, in an attempt to ‘get power over it’, there is a tendency to put it down, mock it, or even kill it. In this particular case, we put it in the box marked ‘single’; so that when we see it out in public, waving its confusing freedom in front of our faces, we are better able to deal with it. A collective sigh of relief can be enjoyed by even unhappy couples worldwide. The singles have been categorically compartmentalized into an unappealing box.
Well, I sit here alone, feeling not alone at all, wondering if we are confusing feeling alone with being alone.
I know plenty of people who are in relationships, and yet by their own admission, couldn’t feel more alone. By the same token, I know many people – myself included – who are ‘alone’ a lot, but don’t feel that way at all.
I have been single for over five years, and although I admit it did take some decommissioning from the ‘single is flawed’ mentality, once I did – my goodness – how the world opened up to me. These have been the best years of my life. I began to know myself; to know what love really feels like – without attachments, boundaries, insecurities or conditions.
Without traditional relationship trappings, the world becomes your herd, the eyes you experience the world with open anew, and one becomes merged with the innocent self again. And the quantum elegance of encountering another who gets it too…better than a million artificial bonds! Anything becomes possible when the mind is not bound by the infernal nagging of attachment, artificial commitments and possession.
This is just my perspective. But from this perspective, I can honestly say, that to pity single people, or to be threatened by them is perhaps something we need to stop doing. It’s ridiculous. We need to chill out, stop being all exclusive, clicky, culty and weird, and welcome all people into our circle. We need to stop classifying people in terms of ‘girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, singles, etc’, because underneath those titles is where the innocence of what and who we truly are exists.
Love and live on, singles and couples alike!
Photo Credit:
© Mary Rose. All rights reserved.
Here, here! Most elegantly stated Mary Rose.
Thank you George. 🙂