My past lies behind me like a long convoluted road through a jungle of experiences. When once I dreaded thinking about all the mistakes and all the pain I went through as I traveled, today I can look upon its landscape as a series of rather unique gifts…much to my surprise.
From age 19 through 49, lies a dust bowl of failed relationships too numerous and nasty to write about today. I know, you’re probably thinking that’s way too easy to say now that all that nasty water has drained from the bucket and so many years have gone by. I realize this too. It’s also true that time softened the pain and normalized the toxic energy of my past, but let me share something else before you go running off in that direction. The accumulated scars stayed with me long after the pain and sadness had dissipated. They constricted my energy and folded my heart up and filed it away. And these were not so easy to be rid of.
I studied and tried numerous strategies to help me deal with those scars, like connecting with the child within, Positive Mental Attitude and so forth. But guess what? When I arrived at the part where I take all my cares and woes and wrap them in a garbage bag and drop them off an imaginary cliff, I had to wonder. I got the idea. It just never made any difference to visualize that garbage bag full of my rocks falling down a mountain side. I had, after all, started over so many times, there were certainly at least a dozen bags down there all ready…what was one more?
Then I thought maybe if I part my hair on the other side, walk backwards or pose in lotus position, it might help. After all, the self-help gurus were certain I could get rid of the ghosts of the past. Alas, I didn’t. So, I was stuck with my many scars for many years. I called this era my 30 Years of Darkness. Life lumbered along without much fanfare, void and raw like a rainless desert. There were a few bright and shiny periods but they were mere pebbles on the proverbial beach of failed attempts at relationships, success and happiness. A wave of abusive strategies delivered by the best of them had cork-booted across my heart; physically, mentally and emotionally. I would try again, so very many times and with each I grew more than just jaded: over time I became angry, empty, sad and alone. The more I tried, the tougher it seemed to get. At one point I just shut myself off from people altogether, and sure enough, I grew even more sad and angry.
My truth came to light one day as I was walking along the mall and caught an image in a plate glass window. The thought that zipped through my head startled me: Yuk, I sure wouldn’t want to run into that woman in a dark alley.
Then I realized the image was me.
The world had etched the anger and disappointment all over my face. It had darkened the eyes and wrinkled the brow of the stranger in the window. I was seeing the truth for the first time. It was a wake-up call I will never forget. I had caught myself in my usual mean and nasty face; the truth had struck me hard. I was looking at reality and I could no longer deny it.
I decided that day to become more aware of that mean and angry woman who had been caught staring at me. Why? Well, because regardless of what others might think, why would anyone want to live their entire life in that state of mind? 
Remember my mantra: There has to be something better out there than this. It was a statement that would now begin to take me down a very different path from where I’d been. In fact, that very day was the day I started looking at myself…instead of focusing on everyone else.
It was the day I started my walk home. This would become the first day of that journey…and thankfully, it would lead me to a series of events that would change my entire world. In hindsight, those events and their messages are clear, but from the depth of my despair back then I could hardly even contemplate the power of what was going to happen. Little did I know at the time that ahead of me would be many revelations, a new kind of start and …another, very amazing Miracle.
…to be continued
Photo Credits
Jungle – Stillfix @ 123rf Stock Photos
Lotus – Mitar Gavric @ 123rf Stock Photos
Reflection – James Peragine @ 123rf Stock Photos
Walking Home – Tanyaru @ 123rf Stock Photos
Please Share Your Thoughts - Leave A Comment!