I was leading a group of about eight amateur musicians during a church confirmation service and we were tightly tucked and barely able to fit ourselves into the tiny choir loft space that was mostly taken up by an old organ. From this choral loft position there was a full unobstructed suspended view of the proceedings below as if having box seats at a folk opera.
The small church was packed with about 250 in attendance and in order to be heard over the din of the “chosen” instrument and other assorted strings and banging things I decided to bring my gigging amp, a 50 watt vintage tube combo. There was so little room to move that I had to put the amp off in a distant corner, set the volume carefully and then climb into a tight position amongst the other players as if in a music cockpit, strapped in and ready for takeoff.
An Asymptomatic Mystery
The program started and everything was going swimmingly with the music contributing overall to a moving and meaningful service. Moms and Dads proudly watching their adolescent sons awkwardly dressed in their first suits becoming young men right before their eyes, siblings and babies at their sides giggling and jostling. The Pastor in white and gold robe speaking of dedication of life to God and family while the musical group played in the appropriate places with appropriate reverent celebration and accordant sensitivity, smiling and nodding at one another in quiet congratulation at each final cadence.
It was at the most ceremonial of moments of dedication that my close and yet so very far away 50 watt tube amplifier decided to turn itself up to 10 (or maybe 11) while emitting a screeching, screaming high-pitched highly unmusical sound due to some electronic asymptomatic mystery.
Silence and Sacrifice
So now at Woodstock anthemic volume with my hollow body guitar feeding back like a Strat through a Marshall stack , the crowd now stunned and showing signs of trauma and children crying and the soon to be confirmed young adults now regressing back into adolescents I knew I had to act and swiftly.
With before unknown athletic acumen, I dropped my guitar and launched my now adrenaline driven ninja-like 200 lb. plus frame over chairs and music stands in the direction of the demon possessed amplifier and after crushing a limb and knocking over an autoharp (just lucky I guess) – I managed to get my hands on the power cord which I tore out of the wall from about 10 feet away. The screaming amp went silent – the crowd went silent – and save for babies crying and some sputtering wet nasal giggling sounds coming from the adolescent confirmants, quiet had been restored, however, all semblance of solemnity had been effectively sacrificed at the altar of amplification.
Eternity and the Voice
A ten second eternity ensued which was eventually broken by the deep breathing Pastor uttering only my name in an unusual and eerily articulated fashion with a question mark twist, as if I were being discovered after a long absence of being held captive in a cave. This was followed by an additional five second silent purgatory that was finally broken by the remainder of his response to me and the demon amplifier, which, albeit unidentified, had now somehow anthropomorphized into a “someone” I had invited into the sanctuary.
Moving forward, his lips now touching the pulpit mic, this proximity readied to magnify the remainder of his upcoming chosen words for the now partially deaf congregants, while at the same time greatly enhancing the bass response of said microphone. These factors, combined with him doing his best to deliver a measured response over the stilted silence – instead resulted in a Starship Commander kind of voice calling out:
“Are you OK up there Lloyd?”
This seemed to suggest that this event may have inflicted physical harm to one or more of the unsuspecting support musicians who may now be in need of medical attention and I as their leader should quickly take stock of the wounded, but I knew this concern was feigned and the announcement was in fact pregnant with innuendo which translated meant: “This is the reason why the organ and only the organ truly belongs in the Church and I want you all to know what the guitar playing assailant’s name is.”
Convicted
Under the circumstances this rhetorical device required only one response on my part, an acquiescent “yes”, which at the same time served as admission of guilt to the charge of liturgical slaughter. The guitar player was named, twice, and publicly identified as the perpetrator and charged, with sentence pending.
This event clearly demonstrated for everyone to see and hear that without a theological doubt, electronic guitars, amplifiers and those practitioners using them to lead “worship” should be deemed anathema by an edict. It was possible that due to God being overly occupied with the business of man that there had been some holy oversight in the explicit mention of guitars and amplifiers and their deleterious effects on the church.
This 6 string attack only further proved that organs and wide vibrato vocalists (and the occasional wooden recorder and harp for very special occasions) had been chosen by God and His angels as the only instruments of proper and good musical worship for ecclesiastical and liturgical purpose and that electronic guitars and things (with the exception of microphones and lighting) were from the hot place.
It may have been as a result of this event that it was requested that I no longer address the Pastor by his first name when in the church building.
Photo Credit
Photo from the Microsoft Office Clipart Collection
Guest Author Bio
Lloyd English
Lloyd English is a life long professional musician. During his career he has produced and recorded several albums as well as directed concert choirs, led music in 4 different church denominations and played over 2000 dates throughout Canada in every conceivable genre. His music has been played all over the world on major television networks and syndicated radio. He currently runs his own music school and recording studio and is the co-founder of My Guitar Pal Online.
Blog / Website: My Guitar Pal
Follow Lloyd: Facebook | Twitter
Recent Guest Author Articles:
- How Breathwork Creates a Pathway Through Trauma: Beyond Traditional Approaches
- Pilates Machines on Sale: What to Look for Before You Buy
- Calming an Overthinking Mind: How I’m Tackling Stress At 60
- Simple Ways to Help Your Scared Dog Feel Safe Again
- Men in Nursing and the Redefinition of Strength, Compassion, and Career Success
Many churches have silent organs nestled in a dark alcove or high above in a musty loft. I guess it’s a positive move to silence the old organs, since most pastors today want a more modern progressive sound accompanying the vocalists, but………
However, there seriously needs to be volume limiting strictly enforced on today’s much louder praise bands. A few years ago I was attending services at a small, turn of the century, mostly wooden church that had a maximum occupancy for, I’d say, 250 people. There was a praise band in tow consisting of a drummer, two guitarists, a bassist and a keyboard player. Their amplification gear was major over kill for such a modest sized building. When they began to play it was deafening! The old stained glass windows were rattling wildly, the whole church being of wood and plaster reverberated like there was an explosion in the boiler room. It was hideous! I saw several people covering their ears, of course babies screaming and crying, and perturbed older folks tsk-tsking. My threshold of pain is generally pretty high, but this was way too much for me to bear; it was audibly very painful to endure even a few minutes worth of the racket.
Why would any pastor give the green to allow a band to play at such a foolishly high volume? Do these guys and gals in praise bands think that by playing at such a stupid high volume it will compensate the fact at what inferior “musicians” they are? I’ll settle for the hippie style guitar masses of yesteryear with an un-amped guitar player, an un-amped bass player, a recorder player and even a tambourine, triangle, vibraslap and woodblock player.
Hi Lloyd,
Great story, really enjoyed it having been a regular myself at our ” folk mass ” one never knows what will happen at any given service! heheheheehe Thanks for sharing!
Love this!
I used to be the praise and worship leader at a church … at least, you did not do what I did …
While in the midst of sudden and total loss of sound (PA went dead), close to the mic I said to the the bass player:
“I think the PA is buggered”. Of course, the PA decided to work for that little morsel which was heard easily by ALL!!!
ahem … AHEM …
Thanks for sharing Lloyd!
Gileeeeeeeeeee
Great story! Thanks for the smile! I also have to admit that I misread “Are you OK up there Lloyd?” as “Are you OK up there Lord?” Puts a fun spin on it…
I enjoyed this with the abandon that could only be experienced by one who grew up in the church or at least experienced enough of it to have seen similar situations…..descriptions like “altar of amplification” and “demon amplifier” had me smiling broadly and taking a trip down memory lane…..”organs and wide vibrato vocalists (and the occasional wooden recorder and harp for very special occasions) had been chosen by God and His angels as the only instruments of proper and good musical worship for ecclesiastical and liturgical purpose and that electronic guitars and things (with the exception of microphones and lighting) were from the hot place” had me laughing out loud, by myself even. 🙂 Because it’s just SO TRUE! omg.
Finally, IMO knocking over autoharp could very have been a direct message from God……just sayin’.
Excellent article. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂
Really glad you enjoyed it, I got sort of giggly when writing, it is in fact a true story that left a permanent mark I think.
This is hilarious! Reminds me of the stuffy pastors I had to contend with as a precocious 10 year old choir boy every Sunday morning growing up in England – thanks (I think!) for the memories Lloyd!
When you mentioned the word precocious it brought me back to Sunday school class as a 10 year old (or so) where the pastor was teaching about forgiveness. I remember saying something to the effect that: “if I am forgiven then I think I am going to steal a bike cuz I want one bad”. I cannot overemphasize the stormy heavily German accented red faced response enough. Now I realize that I was ,in my 10 year old boy way, in fact posing a deep theological question that to this day remains slightly dissonant.
Extremely well written, and truly funny. I take it you are a Lutheran. I say that as a recovering Lutheran myself who had very similar experiences. By mutual agreement we both chose to part company; I now happily play my guitar as loud as I please (mostly the Blues – admittedly the devil’s music which I again admittedly NEVER confessed to playing to the pastor – I assured him I strummed only appropriate 3 chord worship songs, and never in a minor key signature) and I assume they still blissfully and righteously continue to listen each Sunday to their beloved 300 year old pipe organ in all its majesty. (each hymn of course being in an appropriate major key, with the single exception of heavenly ordained Lenten dirges, for 21 divinely designated days only each year). I guess in the end, like Stevie Ray, I couldn’t stand the weather.
I feel your pain Ian. Over the years I have worked with about 8 pastors (in 4 denominations) as a music leader and that has proven to be a very interesting life learning and theologically illuminating experience. As I have said in the past, I would still be in the church if there weren’t so many people involved. In my personal experience it was especially confusing in that I had come off the road with a successful pop band and essentially walked into the church with everything they thought they were looking for in a “worship leader”, very confusing. I remember a church meeting where one of the complaints was: ” the music is too professional”. I am not sure if they meant “in tune” or “in time” or both. Lenten dirges, too funny.
What a great article! Nothing like a belly laugh to start off this windy Saturday. Heather
Glad you enjoyed it, it made me laugh too.