I have enjoyed reading Island Parent Magazine for the past 20 years. I was moved to write in response to an article written by Frank O’Brien in the April 2013 issue. The article was entitled, “The Bully Never Goes Away.”
I thought is was a fresh take on both a new and old issue.
Frank said that his dad used to tell him, “Make it difficult for anyone to pick on you, because bullies are inherently lazy.” I laughed out loud when I read this, as not only did it ring true, but it was a simply brilliant observation that anyone could relate to. Kudos to your dad, Frank!
As a parent and a person who has been bullied, it made me feel empowered to read these words. To imagine that in the next situation in which someone was overbearing or rude or mean – but perhaps, not necessarily a bully – I could take my power back in a heartbeat by remembering these simple words made me smile.
To stand up and with both body and verbal language to declare ‘no dice buddy’ to anyone who attempts to treat another poorly is not only a way to assert oneself against ‘smallish incidents’, but also, a way to prevent a potential bully from developing a pattern of being mean or rude or even abusive later on in life.
With regards to ‘defining the bully’, I think Frank had some really great points. What is a bully? I think he was right about the fact that a ‘bully’ is someone who persistently seeks power by taking away that of others; by making others feel bad. It is someone who has developed a pattern; someone who seeks to keep things imbalanced in his or her own favour. These tendencies – to be on top, hierarchically speaking – might be developing even earlier on and more aggressively in our ever-increasing, hyper competitive world, but they do not have to.
Instead of focusing so much on the word bully (and on tendencies that invoke that part of us), perhaps we should instead be focused on the word assertion.
For clarity’s sake, assertion is not the same thing as aggression. Asserting oneself means one feels confident enough to give one’s opinion, and also, comfortable enough in oneself to allow others to share theirs. It promotes free will and creates choices for everyone.
I believe that overusing the word ‘bully’ actually damages one’s ability to understand the difference between assertion and aggression. If we are never allowed to express ourselves or make mistakes without being labeled ‘a bully’, we stand to become confused and even dishonest with ourselves and others about how we truly feel. This is what is happening, I think. Increasing overaggressive behaviour in an attempt to be heard, or decreasing assertiveness, for fear of what will happen if one is heard, are both realities in a world that, perhaps inadvertently, glorifies the word ‘bully’.
Instead of feeling empowered by asserting that ‘meanness’, for instance, is discomforting and inappropriate behaviour (but forgivable if not repeated), feeling submissive to the mean person/situation (and all subsequent mean persons/situations akin to them) is almost inevitable. If we model this, we will end up teaching our children that even random mean or rude gestures are fine reasons to feel victimized by another, thereby invoking feelings of dis-empowerment and creating a cycle of victimization that might not have really existed in the first place. Instead of seeing these ‘mean moments’ as teachable ones – as opportunities to stand and assert that this kind of behaviour is inappropriate and serves no one, by stamping it with the word ‘bully’ – everyone loses.
I agree with Emily Bazelon, author of Sticks and Stones: Defeating The Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Empathy and Character, that any confrontational situation is typically between two people. The two people involved, if equipped with assertive communication skills and the ability to empathize with others, can effectively dismantle any potentially explosive or uncomfortable situation. But these skills must be taught and practiced.
If instead of teaching and practicing these skills, we instead lean towards ‘the wrong words’, and focus solely on bringing ‘bullying’ to the forefront of people’s minds, we are, in my opinion, being remiss and a little lazy. Like bullies, as it were. Even if the intention is good – to pepper and poster our children’s minds with ‘bully’ or ‘anti-bully’ images, words and ideas – the outcome will be similar to what happens when we hear the same lyrics to over-played songs on the radio, day after day. Not only will the words lose all meaning, but they will become annoying to hear. The message itself will then be lost, and the intention behind it a point moot.
So, I think that we should be preaching the word ‘assertion’, not ‘bullying’, if anything. Let that wonderful word become part of our everyday lexicon: A word that allows for discourse, debate and even disagreement, without passivity or aggression entering in.
Being assertive not only allows children to feel empowered in any situation, but it allows everyone a chance to be heard. Everyone wins.
Image Credit
The Assertiveness Triangle @ tallistraining.co.uk
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