What a Tease – LIFE AS A HUMAN

Yesterday my teenage daughters asked me for more shampoo and conditioner, and I said I’d pick some up at the grocery since I was on my way there.

They rolled their eyes and sighed because they “needed” the expensive stuff at Salon d’Fortune Geaux Au Revoir. According to my high school French, I’m pretty sure that means, “say goodbye to your money.”

“We want ‘Savage Smoothing Serum for Sexy Body’ and ‘Hard Up and Slept In Moisture Geleé,’” they whined.

“Please. I used my mom’s Head & Shoulders,” I said as I got in my car. Puzzled as to what that had to do with anything, they stood at the door, boldly waving their flag of Entitlement. (Just kidding, girls! Ya’ll are wonderful).

The typical Millennium Generation female has long hair. Those with straight hair enjoy unlimited popularity and humidity. And girls with curls stay in bed when it rains, feigning near-fatal PMS, and have to sit at the lunch table with the frizzy-hairs sporting dental headgear.

My girls have curls. We’ve tried everything to tame frizz, but there’s always something new “that Ashley uses that’s only the best thing on the market and will turn my life around.”

I know curly hair is hard to manage so I usually buy them the next new thing. But $30 bottles of shampoo and conditioner weren’t on my agenda, and I didn’t feel like answering Pierre, the stylist’s, questions about where I got my outfit because “it’s to die for.” And besides, it was almost happy hour.

Since my beauty regimen consists of Pert 2-in-1, I was confused at the grocery by an entire aisle of bottles promising to indulge my senses with “silky shafts up to 300 percent thicker.” Ok, that’s a little sluttier than Kim Kardasian on a Cosmo cover with a painted-on bikini.

For my dominating side, there was “Manipulator Whip for Control Freaks” for volume that minds, or I could lay it on thick with “Butter Me Up and Tease Me,” which leaves me a little nauseated, yet incredibly intrigued.

Looking for something less sensual, I passed up the “Feelin’ Floozy Frappé,” and picked up a plain white bottle. Unfortunately, it promised to boost my bliss with perky body that leaves a lift in all the right places.

Maybe a good conditioner was all my daughters needed to produce body envy in all the mean girls. Against my better judgement, I reached for a purple hour glass-shaped bottle.

It read, “Can’t wait for a rich, creeeamy fusion that will make your head spin? Say when for velvety suppleness that gently caresses your hair from root to tip. It goes straight to your mane for a flawless finish.” My, it was getting a little steamy on aisle 9.

I was sort of getting into the flow of this. I figured that after the rich, creamy fusion and flawless finish, you probably need a conditioner that won’t keep you waiting while replenishing—which could be a deal breaker.

I picked up another bottle.

“To replenish hair that’s dry and limp, slip into this silky conditioner for a tress to tress treatment of healing honey and passion flower. Plump it up and enjoy a dousing of lush hydration that goes deep to tame and penetrate hair. Indulge in the full package of shampoo and conditioner that delivers the smoothest ride of your life. It’s all about your body.”

Dazed, I grabbed some extra bottles of Pert for the girls, avoided eye-to-ab contact with Bradley Cooper on the cover of GQ, and checked out the hottie bag boy.

Upon duress, um…request, Pecs Ephron, the bag boy, carried my four bottles of Pert to my car while I watched.

I thanked him profusely and stuck two dollar bills in his waistband…I mean I tipped him two dollars.

My girls were disappointed with the Pert, but I told them I’d get the salon stuff next time. I’ll pay the $30 per bottle to avoid having to give them a lengthy sex-ed talk before shampooing.

I bet the description on the salon products is even sluttier on account of it’s in French.

Thank God no one will be able to read it but me.

Photo credit:

via Wikimedia Commons

Guest Author Bio

Cathy Cantu
Cathy Cantu is a frazzled mom of three teenagers who keep her teetering on the edge of insanity. She boasts of being fluently mediocre in mothering. She writes a humor column in several local newspapers and blogs at 5minutesforthefrazzledmom.blogspot.com.