Imagine you are a gardener named Bob. You are sitting in a coffee shop enjoying a cappuccino and a snack. I walk up to your table and say:
I need you to come to my house tomorrow and prune my trees.
Then, I turn on my heel and leave. How would you feel about that? Not great I suspect.
How about if I walk up and say:
Bob – I need you to come to my house tomorrow and prune my trees.
Again, I turn on my heel and leave. Doesn’t feel much better … does it.
Let’s try this again.
Hi Bob … great to see you! Can you please come to my house tomorrow and prune my trees?
It’s a bit more polite, respectful, or dare I say civil. Wouldn’t you agree?
E-mailing someone should be no different. Along with being unresponsive, bad e-mail etiquette is at the top of my vexations list. E-mails should not be treated as a tweet or a text message. They should be written with care and attention. They don’t need to be missives but they should always contain a salutation and a valediction (adieu).
When I mentioned this on my wall in Facebook yesterday, one of my friends replied that these simple things we learned in English class in grade school are not part of the curriculum anymore in her corner of the world. Wow! We live at a time when we have more available methods of communication than at any point in the history of our species. You’d think it would be high on the curriculum list. It probably explains why I get so many emails like this …
I need a website built as soon as possible. Please call me ASAP at 111-222-3333
The e-mail has no signature and the Yahoo e-mail address has no obvious name. I call the number. I get reception. I tell the receptionist that I am calling because I received an e-mail from someone who needs a website built. She tells me that there are some 40 people working there and I need to be more specific. I give her the Yahoo e-mail address. She has no idea who that is. I thank her, hang up and then reply to the original e-mail politely asking for a name. I never get a reply. These things really vex me!
Of Tone & Substance
When I discuss this topic with people, something that occasionally comes up is that folks often misinterpret e-mails. Things are ‘read into’ the e-mail that simply are not there. I attribute this to the ‘tone’ or lack thereof of the e-mail. Going back to the first coffee shop example, Bob would probably wonder …
“Jeez … whats with HIM today?”
If he asked me why I was being so short (rude) and my reply was that I am in a hurry and have no time for hello and see ya later, I suspect my relationship with Bob would come to an end sooner than later.
A few simple niceties set the tone of an e-mail. Showing a little courtesy and enthusiasm is never a bad idea. Sadly, many e-mails I receive contain no hint of either.
Objections
But Gil, it takes too much time!
Please … Hi and Cheers totals 8 letters. Hope all is well or how are you, another 9 or 13 characters. Even at 1 keystroke per second, you’ll spend between 17 and 21 seconds.
What about in an ongoing e-mail thread?
Of course not. That said, I sometime do just out of habit. Better to err on the side of courtesy says I.
How about in ongoing daily e-mails from people I work with?
I suppose this becomes a style thing. If Bob and I have exchanged a few e-mails and he sends:
Ok … meeting is set for 9:00AM tomorrow.
Fair enough. My approach would be:
Hey Bob,
The meeting is set for 9:00AM tomorrow.
Looking forward to it!
Jeez Gil, aren’t you being a little bit ‘Emily Post’ here?
Perhaps I am. I was raised to be polite. To smile at people, even if they don’t smile back. To open doors for people. I was taught not to interrupt. If that’s being Emily Post, so be it. I happen to think that all of these qualities are important. I believe they lead to better communications and stronger, longer lasting relationships.
If you are a business person, having good e-mail etiquette, especially these days, will set you apart. It demonstrates courtesy, polish and professionalism. Three qualities that will serve you very well.
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Gil YES YES YES YES YES
Please, Thank you, Hello, Goodbye, nice to chat, , , , <- took me less than 5 seconds
It takes seconds to be polite but it can take a lifetime to repair damaged relationships.
Steve
Hey Steve,
Thanks for your comment! Great to see you in here and for sure, the damage can indeed be very hard to repair!
Have a great week Steve!
Cheers,
Gil
I just wanted to thank you for your posting several months ago regarding the need for “politeness” in the opening statement when sending an email.
I don’t know how many times (but it is many) I have caught myself “getting down to business” without so much as a “Good morning”.
Your posting has forever changed the way I send emails and has made me look better in the process. Besides, it just FEELS nice to be nice.
Hi Jim!
Thank you so much for your comment. It is always encouraging to hear that we write helps in some way.
I hope that all is well for you Jim. For the record, as i recall it, you are always pretty nice and very polite!
Cheers,
Gil
Hello Gil,
What a great article and it really hit a nerve as I can see from all the response. I too find it uncomfortalbe to just send an email without saying hello and good-bye. It just seems so cold. It’s funny because some of the response’s above appreciate what your saying but have no beginning or end?hahaaa
I wish the world were a lot simpler than it is, it would make life so much more peaceful. People are so rushed and frenzied all the time.
Years ago my father gave me a post card that had been sent to his grandmother for Easter from her sister. They did not live that far form one another in our terms of travel today but back then it was like living across the country. And so they sent each other mail. It gives one pause to really understand how far we have come in terms of communication, but like you I still believe in the nuances of a well written letter.
Take care Gil and have a very Happy Easter!.
Sincerely,
Martha
Hi Martha,
Thanks! For sure we have come a very long way. Sometimes I wonder if we have not come that far … too quickly.
Hope you have a great Easter weekend as well!
Cheers,
Gil
You are so right. What scares me even more than crappy email etiquette is chat-speak. My 14-year old niece doesn’t even use email; she prefers texting. Is email now going the way of the Dodo? yikes …
Cheers and thank you! 😉
Angela
Hi Angela,
I know what you’re sayin! So many peeps I know reply to e-mail via text or send e-mail via text. I hope it will come full circle!
Thanks for popping in 🙂
Cheers,
Gil
– Send From My Trusty Desktop Keyboard – 😉
Hi Gil,
I appreciated your post.
As a former educator I observed very little time the teaching and learning of etiquette in written communications. I truly feel it is an area in need of attention. But I wonder if it the reason it hasn’t been effectively taught is due to the rapid rate of change in communication via technology? Have the ways to communicate changed so quickly that education systems with their prescribed curriculum find it difficult to keep up? I know I personally find it hard to keep up.
And I also wonder if this learning is entirely the responsibility of the schools? Since we learn how to communicate through our social experiences at home, with friends and out in the community what is the parent’s role in this? Does technology change make it difficult for parents to model, guide and monitor their children’s communication? Generally I feel I’m failing miserably in my influence of my 16 year old son’s written communication. When I look at his facebook posts I am often concerned with how and what he is communicating. I explain to him that he wouldn’t verbally say these things to anyone, so why would you write them?
I wonder why so people today do not transfer their interpersonal communication skills to their written skills. Once again, my 16 year old son is a very polite and well mannered young man (most of the time – he is 16!) However, when I email him he rarely replies. I know he has received my email but he does not respond. I explain to him that it is like someone coming up to him and saying “hi” and you stand there with no response or no acknowledgement of the person’s existence. It’s just rude.
As a business owner, I take great care in what and how I write. It is very important that the face of our business be open and polite. When writing I am always filtering my choice of words through how it will be interpreted by the receiver. Maybe it’s just because I have always been a pleaser and hate to piss people off?
Thanks for the post. Good things to ponder and discuss. Now I have to email a supplier (again) who has not responded to my last two emails.
Have a great day, filled with polite, courteous and cheerful communications!
Scott
Hi Scott,
Thank so much for your reply. Your questions and insights are certainly fodder for at least a few articles! Perhaps some of our writers will pick up on that hint 🙂
As I reply to you, a thought strikes me. Perhaps a huge part of the problem is that a great many of us now only read stuff online. When I was a kid in school, we read classics by great writers. We read great essays. Maybe we echo what we see. As a musician, I have been hugely influenced by many great musicians ranging from Jazz to Classical. They have inspired me and as a result, I have improved. Where would I be without Pat Metheny, Jeff Beck, Chopin or Mozart? Who would I emulate? In a sense, though I try to be original, I am a reflection of all these influences. Maybe it’s time to get our youth reading the classics again. Just a thought …
Hope your supplier replies! Perhaps send them this – http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/business/business-tips/be-responsive/ – just sayin 😉
Have a great weekend Scott!
Cheers,
Gil
Thank you Gil for your eloquence and simple straight forward advice. I completely agree. The enthusiasm piece is a subtle yet so important piece in communication. If we’re glad to hear from someone, tell them. If they’ve shared bad news, express your compassion.
Like you say, it only takes a few moments longer, but reaches far across the internet divide.
With much gratitude,
Tess
Thank you Tess!
You my dear are never lacking in any of these areas! It’s such a pleasure to communicate with you 🙂
I really appreciate your kind words 🙂
Cheers,
Gil
I’m with you on this one completely, Gil. I think we’ve lost a lot of etiquette in general, and it shows up in email frequently. I’ve noticed that in business, I’m hearing a lot about no followup – to conclude an email exchange – about job interviews, for example. If people don’t want to hire the person, they just never contact that person again – to thank them for the interview or to give status of the interview process. It doesn’t have to be a long email, just “politeness” – which used to be the normal process.
Maybe it’s part of the norm that made a comic I heard one night say “Hey people, look up!” Everyone is looking at their phones, and getting used to “twitter speak,” and they’re losing the ability to communicate with consideration.
Very thoughtful post, Gil! 🙂
Dan
Thank you Dan!
Indeed, I hear of this a lot (the no follow up / unresponsiveness) and GET it a lot. You and I have discussed this and you know how much it irks me.
I am afraid that I have to agree with you on the ‘norm’ part … consideration is harder to find these days.
Thanks again for your comment my friend 🙂
Cheers,
Gil
Yes a little Gileeee Post, but I like it! Someone once said you should always start and email with, Thank You!
Thanks for writing this post we all need to make sure we add a little ettiquette to our emails.
Thanks Janet,
Like I said of Shannon, your communications skills are great 🙂
Cheers
Gileeeeeeee
So true Gil, thanks for writing that! Email can so often be taken the wrong way, upsetting people in the process, when all it takes is a little thought and consideration before you hit send. Thanks again!
P.S. I too think you make a good Emily Post 🙂
Thanks Rosemarie!
And thanks for the Emily Post encouragement! I think I know what I shall be next Halloween!
Now .. it’s dojo time! Haeeeeeee
TTYL!
Gileeeee
You mean, YouTube comments are not an etiquette guide?
But seriously, I agree with you, and I do that in my emails.
Hi Marcus,
LOL @ YouTube! Always great to hear from you. Thanks for dropping in 🙂
Ciao for now
Gil
Well, Gil, I think it will be hard to revolutionize the email world. That is how it will be seen, revolutionary. Those who are polite, will be and most of those who are not, will not learn to be. Texts are also a problem not only for their politeness, but their lack of intonation and tone sometimes easily managed through punctuation.
Thanks for the article!
Madelaine
P.S. You’d make a great Emily Post!
Thanks Madelaine!
I think I would need to shave first though! LOL
Gileeeeeeee
Oooh Gil, this is good. I will be a more conscious communicator via from now on…. Thank you!
Shannon!
You are ALWAYS polite and an excellent communicator!
Thanks for your kind words!
Gileeeeee
Thanks Gileeeeeeee!
This was a great reminder to those of us who are USUALLY polite, but sometimes forget why it is so important. Putting it in the context of a conversation will go a long way when it comes to thinking about how the email will be read. I have received many emails that sounded very demanding and anti-social; the experience is not one I would want to give to someone else. Great article!
Thanks Jim!
I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment 🙂
Cheers,
Gil
Obviously the answer that “we’re all in a hurry” comes to mind. If you’ve lived in a big city, this type of behavior isn’t all that unusual. For those of us that live in places where being polite is still a way of life, that’s really a great bonus. Politeness is a way that we can show our humanity and respect for one another. Unfortunately, convenience and speed have taken precedence over politeness.
Over the years, English teachers even teach students to write messages and essays that are as short as possible. “Hi _____,” has taken the place of “Dear _____,” and “Best,” is now used as a sign-off in place of “Sincerely,” in business correspondences. In addition, people have gotten used to to texting words that aren’t even whole or tweeting in 140 characters or less. Technology and lifestyle, unfortunately, have made us all slightly less civil to each other and we don’t even realize it.
It’s great to be reminded that despite our modern gadgets we can – and should – still go all “Emily Post” on one another. I don’t think that this is outdated thinking at all but merely a sign of consideration for our fellow human beings.
Hi George,
Thanks for dropping in and for leaving a comment with your thoughts.
Maybe … we could coin a new phrase here …
“Don’t just Post your stuff … Emily Post it!
Have a great week George 🙂
Cheers,
Gil