Said goodbye to a 4 year relationship last January 1. It took resolution to do it and stick with it but wasn’t included in my “New Year’s Resolutions.” Did not start serious training for an ultra event but shot 30 trail events and found that my eye and heart have found their place. Made some new friends, lost a couple who probably weren’t really gonna work out anyway. Made some foolish business decisions, based on a life long “soft heart” and may have learned that in business, as in most everything else, I do myself the most hurt when I refuse, or more accurately, get careless with what I know to be true in favor of what I wish to be true. Delusions about who I am in my own fairytale gave way to realizing that much of what was painful personally and in my work was brought on by a lack of rigor in seeing things clearly, by taking the world’s indifference personally, by causing pain to others by refusing to be truthful with myself. I discovered that acceptance of who I am has finally taken its place right alongside all the fears I have had about what I am not. I struggled all year long with being friendly in general but not truly close with anyone. Healing takes time I noted. Clarity, sobriety, in all senses of the word, and good works are in a death race with advancing age represented by the omnipresent question ”where the fuck are my car keys?” (generally to be found in my right hand).
What’s next? My good health is in my own hands. Fuck off General Mills and you folks who are making fake food. Everyday when I wake, in the hour of the wolf, I can remember who I am and what it is I was put here to do. I can venture out the door, “light out and look all around”, get back and do my work. For several months I will be busy with my camera. I can remember to keep my eye in the lens and my head and heart in the game. I will let the words come and write them down. I will love my new grandchild and his/her parents and his/her aunt as if they are my own flesh and blood which, of course, they are, have always been and are still; they are the true foundation of my own personal Church of the Second Chance. I will laugh a little more, get out into the non ultra world, pay better attention to the beating of my own heart. When I do these things I will find myself in the world of others, giving unto them as I would have them give unto me; in other words, do little more to help the world be a better place.
Are these my “resolutions”? Nope. It is what happens when I look to the eastern sky as the snow is falling; when I take a moment to give substance to the phrase “snow line” a favorite concept of meteorological experts on TV and radio; to note the house on the hill. There is, for me, a life to be lived in the hours before daylight and then some; another opportunity, everyday, to welcome what’s next with my work and with community, with love; to honor those who are gone and hello to those who are here. Gonna be a good year. Gotta be. It’s the only one I have, one day at a time.
Photos are © Michael Lebowitz – All Rights Reserved