“I wonder if one parent (both were abusive) wanted to say “this is not right” or if any of the soldiers (in the case of the Nazi who befriended a young boy) wanted to say “these are my neighbours”? I wonder about the power of the bystander, the person who did not come up with the idea but who becomes part of the abuse, and who by a simple word or action could prevent someone else’s suffering. I am afraid when the bystanders fail, and horrified when they become the tormentors.”
— From the article “The Boy Behind the Wire. The Girl in the Cage” by Donna Leskosek
Great questions. I’ve often wondered the same things.
All living beings have an innate need to preserve “self” first. It’s in our DNA. Propagation of the bloodline requires that we remain alive, safe and healthy. Others come second. Interestingly, the need to protect self — although in the genes — is not always in the heart. A mother might sacrifice her own life for her child, for instance.
So long as it is reasonably safe to do so, I find myself stepping in to help others. I suppose this has something to do with the fact that my own life has been both aided and saved more than once by people who could have just minded their own business.
In the case of abusive situations, I have read about Stockholm Syndrome, a term used to describe a real paradoxical psychological phenomena wherein hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors; sometimes to the point of defending them. I can understand how a woman, if she were in an abusive relationship for an extended period of time, might become attached to her abuser. But not out of love.
I think, though, through systematic abuse and the breaking down of primary identification of “self”, the woman being abused comes to relate more with the person who makes his “self” aggressively known. In other words, her innate need to defend and protect “self” is present, it’s just confused about which “self” to protect. The psychological effects of finding oneself in a situation where words don’t match actions is incredibly profound and confusing. When the person who “loves us” treats us like they don’t, it confuses the mind into not trusting itself. The abused person comes to think that she is worthless; that she deserves nothing more than what she gave to herself (or, in victim mentality, what was given to her). Without the abuser, she would be abused and alone instead of just abused.
The desire to stay with an asshole rather than go it alone speaks volumes about the human need for companionship. This need to feel loved and accepted exists even in the womb; we seek to maintain the safe, warm feelings which created our lives. In fact, we ache for it on such a deep level that many people stay in relationships which do nothing to satisfy any of their needs other than that to not be alone, out of hope that perhaps it will change to better suit their needs. But I digress.
Samuel Butler said, “Self preservation is the first law of nature”. What becomes of this innate drive to protect oneself? How can someone allow another person — especially someone who hurts them — to come first above “self”? Further, how can a person allow their own their own lack of self care extend to those outside of their abusive relationship?
Perhaps when one cares nothing for oneself, caring for others is impossible. Perhaps, if not willfully preserved, the instinct to protect in general becomes chipped away until it is all but gone. This would explain why so many people go along with things that don’t resonate with them. Why many people slide down the slippery slope of “follow the flock” mentality, even if it feels wrong to them or does harm to themselves or others.
Perhaps our society has become so hyper-stimulating that we have all become almost irreversibly desensitized. I watched the movie The Fourth Kind (about a psychologist investigating alien abduction) and couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights afterwards. It scared the crap out of me. Two months later, I watched it again (it was a fascinating movie, but I was curious about how I would react to it, having already been exposed to it). It had very little affect on me the second time around. The same thing often happens with sexual partners. Sad but true. We get bored easily as our brains seek new experiences in order to grow; evolution seeks to push limits and thresholds.
What freaks, excites or disgusts us the first time we experience it evokes even less emotion as time progresses.
Perhaps this is why it’s easy for many people to stand by and watch. As well as being desensitized, we have become primarily a society of judgmental voyeurs, unable to take a real stand. We watch others go through drama and horrors on television and on the news from the comfort of our safe homes and perhaps this feeds both our feelings of having protected ourselves and our fear of the outside world.
My mother always said to me, “Mind your own business.” But this makes no sense to me. After all, as a highly empathetic person, other well-being of others is my business. Not that I bother with things I know I cannot affect, but when I know I can stop a bad situation in its tracks, I do. I expect that if I do so with reason and compassion, it might transform a potentially volatile situation into one that is not. It might also wake others up to the fact that this world is not “up to others”. That mentality is what allows us to destroy each other, be it through neglect, abuse, turning the other cheek, pretending not to see, gossip or, at worst, through acting out personal horrors on others.
Thinking for oneself as a bystander does not mean that one has to put oneself second. In fact, it makes “self” stronger in a way. It allies one with “self” and with others; with the highest part that cares about something other than some imaginary standard.
The world is a scary place. But I think the bottom line is, it doesn’t have to be.
Photo Credit
“Alone” Amelia Tilton @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
Awesome article! I am extremely excited to read your article and relate so closely. I was also told, “Mind your own business.” Don’t get involved….etc. If something isn’t right, I could NEVER stand by and allow it to go on without taking a stand.
Great article…so much to think about. We have so far to go in understanding our relationships with others and how our actions impact those around us. I was fortunate to have recently attended a work shop by Alan Wade that discussed victims of trauma and how they resist and how when we acknowledge that resistance it allows them to move forward. thank you for your thoughts
great article, Mary! thx for your wonderful insight.
love and light
~kylen