I once knew a man who hated to be alone. It panicked him to the point where he sought to fill all of his waking hours with people. On the streets, at the bus stop, in restaurants, if he was unaccompanied he would soon find someone to talk to. I don’t judge him for his needs but as an introvert — someone who who requires being alone to re-energize — his constant seeking of the company of others made me feel claustrophobic. But clearly my friend wasn’t alone. In fact, the Experience Project has a group called “I Hate to Be Alone.” Weirdly, despite having 22 members no one has posted in their forum yet. Go figure. The Facebook page “I Hate Being Alone” has over 12,000 fans so you won’t be lonely there!
Anyway, I digress. I’ve never had a problem with being alone. It is there that I find solace. I revitalize. I learn. I contextualize. I am in touch with the spirit that moves me and I hear it speak to me clearly. Sometimes I wrote fiction or poetry; sometimes I just read or lie back and watch the leaves against the sky. When I don’t get enough alone time, I find myself getting grumpy, feeling frazzled. It is then that I know how important it is to go to the beach, head to the library or just close my door.
I recently found a little gem of a video on YouTube called How to Be Alone by filmaker Andrea Dorfman and poet/singer/songwriter Tanya Davis. The video was shot in Halifax, Nova Scotia and was produced by Bravo!FACT. The poem, set to music and animated with a sweet series of illustrations that float over the video, starts out … “If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
I have to say, however, after extolling the virtues of solitude, that I’ve never HAD to be alone much in my life and the few I times I did (like when I changed schools in grade 12 and had no friends for three months) seemed cruel. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Lonely is not revitalizing — it is draining and disorienting.
From the balcony of my old office building, I used to look out at the apartment next door and see a little old lady eating breakfast, lunch and dinner by herself, sometimes nodding off alone at her table. Maybe she liked being alone that much, but I doubt it. A healthy society is one in which people of all ages have choice to take part in our communities or to remove ourselves temporarily and re-collect ourselves. In Western society, so many old folks are not alone by choice but because the world has simply forgotten them in its mad rush.
I think the truest thing I have ever read about being alone was written by French writer Colette. “There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.”
I will take the days of heady wine — and hope I always have friends and loved ones to welcome me back to the world when alone gets too lonely.
Melzora Towne says
I don’t mind being alone, I can write, create, sing, even just be… what I hate is feeling lonely, there is a big difference. You can feel lonely even in a crowd of people or with your mate. Loneliness is to me like an illness, you can not just make it go away, and the cure isn’t being with others. It’s something that has to happen inside to make you not feel lonely any more. Being alone only bothers me when I already feel lonely. I recently wrote a poem of my own on the subject and I figure this is as good of a place to share it as any other. Hope you enjoy it.
No one understands the loneliness I feel,
It’s as if they can’t believe its real.
They don’t see the me in this world,
a lost and scared little girl.
They don’t know the me in mind,
and the loneliness I find.
I’m with you! they reason,
but do not know the season.
Do not see the dark,
do not feel the depth
do not get the emptiness
that comes from within.
You will be ok,
just need to find your way.
It’s not hard, just do it,
you will get through it.
Lost is me,
on this open sea.
Of people, time and space,
I can not find a place.
Do you not see the dark,
do you not feel the depth,
do you not get the emptiness
that comes from within.
How could you understand,
as you hold my hand.
You know you are there
but I am only air.
I blow away like a breeze
but how can you see.
You are beside me,
but I…I am inside me. Alone
tara says
amazing video. i love it.
mary says
Kerry,
I will always be be here for your return and welcome you back with big hugs!
Kerry Slavens says
Thank you, Mary. You made my day!
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker says
I am an extrovert who loves people and being around them. I am also a person who has to have quiet time by myself occasionally or I get stressed and sometimes even mean. Quiet times by myself gives me time to reconnect with who I am and it refreshes me. That is my time to connect with God and my inner Self.
What you said about the differences between alone and lonely is so true. As an incest survivor, years ago, as a child, I disconnected from myself to survive. For many years, I was lonely, sometimes deeply lonely. Even when I was in crowds of people, I felt deep sadness and loneliness. It was because I was disconnected from me and from God.
Through many years of working on my incest issues, I finally reconnected with me and with God. When I did this, the loneliness went away. Today I greatly value my alone time. Thanks for writing this great article and thanks to Dan Hays for sending me here from Twitter.
Kerry Slavens says
Hi Patricia, it is interesting how loneliness can manifest so profoundly when we have been through trauma. I wonder if who we are really missing is ourselves during these times — as though our souls have sought solace elsewhere, perhaps to protect the most vulnerable aspects of ourselves. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope we will hear more for you because I know from your blog you have some wonderful insights.