A few weeks ago my sister Melissa and I were on one of our dates. These usually involve beer and bad movies. I don’t mean bad like a John Travolta-produced movie (a little Battlefield Earth, anyone?) I mean the movies you know better than to like, but lovelovelove anyway (which for me includes A Knight’s Tale, Batman Forever and pretty much anything with Vin Diesel).
Our “dates” started after the whole Twilight-mania ignited a few years ago. We were trash talking everything about it (the movie, the books, the actors, the fans), and after our clever banter petered out, I said quietly, I kind of want to see it. To which Melissa sighed and said, Yeah, totally.
I drew the short straw and had to rent Twilight (yes, we were both embarrassed to be seen with it in our hands, to be JUDGED by the film snob elite of rental employees). Sadly, the movie turned out to be terrible. Not guilty-pleasure-secretly-loved-it terrible. Just plain terrible.
But our love of indulging in bad flicks stuck. Our latest was a trip waaaay down memory lane, to a movie of our shared childhood. I’ll give you a hint: Kim Cattrall is a sassy Egyptian who doesn’t want to be married off to some slouch.
So she prays reallllly hard and the gods flash her to late 80s, where she can meet her true soul mate, Andrew McCarthy. The only down side to this match made in heaven (literally) is that poor Kim is a…
…wait for it…
…a store mannequin.
This story gets made into a movie. Meanwhile, I can’t even get an agent to look at my screenplay. I’m not bitter.
Anyway, hilarity ensues as Andrew and his dummy get all hot and heavy, fall in love, and save the day. In case this description has you just itching to run out to your video store and rent this movie, it is oh-so-cunningly named Mannequin.
I got a little off topic there. My story isn’t about this bad movie. It’s about what happened on the way to watch this bad movie. We were walking down the hall of Melissa’s apartment building, when all of a sudden she grabbed my arm and said wait until you see something!
We were stopped in front of a small window. It looked out over the roof of the next building. On the other side of that roof was another apartment complex. Our little hall window lined up with the window of a kitchen in that complex.
What are we looking at? Oh. Oh my…
In that kitchen, standing in front of a stove, was a man. A man stood at a stove. He appeared to be cooking.
Cooking. Stove. Man.
It was the best porn I’ve ever seen.
We stood in the hallway, weak in the knees and sighing, while this MAN puttered around the kitchen. He was backlit so we couldn’t really see his face. But we could see his body. Oh, yes. We could see that. Stirring, adding spices, opening a cupboard, closing a cupboard, stirring some more. Then serving this food (food that he cooked) onto dishes, and carrying them, one by one, out of our line of sight.
Finally, when it was clear that the show was over, we dragged ourselves onward to our beer and our movie.
This weekend I found myself cat sitting for Melissa (previous tales of these cat-antics include My Sister’s Pussy) while she was off enjoying some kind of shenanigans. And I could not walk down that stupid hallway without stealing a peak out the window. Was Mr. Tall and Wonderful (I mean, seriously tall. Did I mention that? At one point I swear he was resting his elbows on top of his fridge.) doing a day-time performance? Perhaps getting a snack or a glass of water? No?
I’m aware that this is wrong. Wrong and bad. And probably kind of creepy. But I also think that curtains were invented for a good reason, and if you don’t want to use them, you risk being seen, and possibly appreciated. By strange girls.
With questionable motives.
Photo Credits
Mannequin © Wikicommoms. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Man At Fridge © Flickr. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Recent Sarah Gignac Articles:
- Filmmaking 101 Part 6 - Shoot Day
- Filmmaking 101 Part 5 - Casting & Crew & Catering, Oh My!
- Filmmaking 101 Part 4 – The Pre-Production Dance Of Insanity
- Filmmaking 101 Part 3 – A Lesson In Passion and Partnerships
- Filmmaking 101 Part 2 — The Script
Wow, Sarah, you’ve seen some baaad movies. Don’t give up on writing screenplays, your stories are always engaging.
Twilight was awful, wasn’t it? I found myself laughing out loud at it, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the theater ;D
Yesterday I saw the absolutely the funniest movie mashup poster I’ve ever seen, bar none. I wish I could find it again and post it here. It was a still from Twilight, of Edward standing just behind Bella, looking at her in profile. The caption below said, “I’m beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.”
Sarah…be warned. Any mention of Twilight and that’s all that will be remembered about the article. For better or worse. 🙂
Couple of things:
1) That story was actually made into a movie twice. If you count the also cleverly named Mannequin Two: On The Move. Starring Kristy Swanson. That’s right, the original Buffy.
2) I think our dates actually started a few years ago with the Twin Peaks New Year’s, but as Twin Peaks is awesome, and on no level sucks, I see why you might have left that off. Just trying to make the point that I love you long time.
3) Dude. I cheated on you. I rented Short Circuit and attempted to watch it this past weekend. Why did I used to love that so much? Would it have been funnier watching it with you?
4) Tall, dark and stalking … his lady did the cooking last night. Beyatch.
5) New Moon …. Do we dare?
xoxo ~ m
of course Twin Peaks came first! How could I forget that? I think we still have half the season to go, though it’s been so long we’ll need to start from scratch again.
New Moon? Have you learned NOTHING?!?!?