I’m an open book. I’ll share anything and everything about myself when I meet people whom I believe will benefit from my experiences. My truth isn’t something that makes me feel ashamed, scared or in any way diminished. In fact – because of my truth and my healing — I know I am destined to help others heal too.
I was sharing my story at a friend’s house (let’s call her Mary) this past weekend. We’ve been friends forever and Mary knows my history. A couple of her friends were there. I suspected one of them had experienced childhood trauma. She described the exact symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Her recent experience of emotional and physical trials was so similar to mine — I felt led to share my journey.
As I spoke, I could fee her begin to stiffen up, pull back and then shut down. While she smiled and was ‘friendly’, I could sense that she could hardly wait to get away from me — as if I were a leper to be avoided at all costs.
I know it’s more than likely she pulled back because I hit too close to her reality with my story. It was probably a subconsciously powered retreat. That’s her choice and so be it. After she left , Mary and I chatted for a bit and she agreed with me that I had hit a nerve.
I would like some thoughts from my readers on sharing our stories, especially those readers who have been abused and are sharing their stories.
My plan is to begin speaking about my life and experiences next year. I want to help others who can hopefully grow and move toward healing from my journey and lessons learned.
Have you found ways of sharing that are more successful? Ways of telling your truth without scaring people?
Also – do you feel like a leper? How do you handle that? My natural reaction is to step into the feeling and open a conversation with people. When I feel them withdraw I want to ask them whether they feel uncomfortable around me, or if their opinion has changed because of my sharing. But I want your opinions.
Thanks much in advance for helping me begin the path to sharing …. The Other Side of Me!
Photo Credit
“Open Your Mind” Letting Go of Control @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
A beautiful, personal and compassionate description of a person who seeks to help make something out of a negative experience by providing guidance to others that have suffered similarly.
The sensitivity of your description of the friend at the dinner party (and of other people responding in this posting) are incredibly helpful and I’d like to thank you (all).
I guess it’s a matter of knowing when to stop; when our commentary is no longer appreciated. While the intent may be genuine and positive, I suppose that the outcome can veer away from our goal of helping if we miss the signals, or hurt others by re-hashing too graphically. An ethics prof of mine summed up good intentions quite nicely: “I wanted to do something nice for my wife, so I bought her flowers. I forgot about her allergies and it made her sick. Did I do a good thing?”
Thank you very much for sharing; it has helped me, as well.
Thanks for all the thoughts and discussion everyone
I know that my Divine purpose is to share my story – to help others thrive, not just survive. The doors are opening for me to do just that – and I’m stepping through them as quickly as they open!
Appreciate all your ideas and support my friends!
Luv n light
Thriving!
I think it is wonderful that you want to share your story as a way of helping other people heal from childhood trauma. As a survivor of childhood abuse, I used to share my story with anyone who would listen and even some people who wouldn’t. Over the years, I’ve learned to be more selective about what I share and with who. I, too, want to help people heal by talking about what I experienced and helping people see that they’re not alone. But as you noted, there are some people who may not be ready to hear us yet. The timing thing is tricky. All you can do is lead with your intuition … Sometimes you’ll be right on and the person will appreciate you reaching out. Other times, someone may bolt. Whatever their reaction, you are not a leper, and you didn’t do anything wrote. I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about her reaction, though. As Dan mentioned in his comment, a lot of people in our culture have difficulty hearing about trauma or even talking about emotions that are perceived as negative (e.g., anger, sadness or shame).
I too have experienced abuse and PTSD. Fortunately, I have done a lot of work to heal those wounds. Most of that work was done with a therapist, but some was done with a friend whom I considered a mentor. Because I suffered from depression, I found it essential that I seek help to improve the quality of my life. However, I have met many people who are not interested or willing to go to therapy. They don’t want to re-hash their childhoods. And, there’s a social stigma attached to going to therapy. I personally don’t buy into that, but many people do.
I have learned to talk to certain people about the deeper issues in my life. Those people are supportive and can have an honest and considerate conversation.
I can’t really say that I feel like a leper. I did not have a choice when it came to being abused as a child. I was victimized. What I do have a choice about though, is how I deal with it…whether I let it consume me or whether I heal from it and choose a better life for myself and my family.
I applaud your openness. I think it is completely and absolutely healthy. And, it’s a sure sign that your aren’t keeping the secret of abuse anymore. Bravo for you!!
My suggestion to you would be to choose your audience. Find people who want to hear your story and who can gain strength and inspiration from your words. In turn, they can accept you and support you in your truth.
Thriving –
Been there, done that. Even within a recovery program for people who had grown up with alcoholism, after my Dad died, when I tried to talk about my grief, people shied away. They didn’t know how to handle me or what to say. I made the comment to someone the other day that we’re an emotionally constipated society, and when someone talks honestly about their feelings, it brings up responses like you experienced.
With my PTSD, I have learned that in most settings I talk about the violence only in very general terms – I just say “there was a gun and threat of death” so not to make it too graphic for someone. If asked, I will continue, but if not, I just stop there. I’ve heard it said if you’re a witness to abuse, it’s abusive, so navigating that boundary has given me the freedom to share honestly, but not hurt anyone. Particularly since I have started reaching wider audiences through radio interviews, I had to find that balance. It sounds like you didn’t get too graphic about your abuse, but just that her recent experience was so fresh that she couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back to you at some point, when she is ready to know more about what you did about it.
I honor you for being willing to share your journey! I think more people need to hear from those who have gone through the valley if you will. I run across people constantly who have symptoms similar to what I experienced. I too hope to share with people who might be searching for a way out of the morass.
Dan