I am a victim of abuse, taken advantage of no matter how it’s spun or no matter how much I try to excuse or justify it. It caused a lot of issues for me personally, causing damage to my mind, my soul, festering and rotting me on the inside, while I sink deeper and deeper into the acceptance of the abuse going on.
Abuse can happen in different ways. Mental and physical. My body and mind took a beating which even now I’m dealing with, still trying to clean and regenerate. My physical, more than mental issues shows it.
My wife, 12 years my senior, who died in my arms about 8 years ago for whatever reason, decided 26 years prior to take in a 15 year old kid and start a relationship. She, 27, I was 15. At the time I didn’t see it, but I absolutely do now.
I didn’t have a bad life per se, but I was oblivious. I had to grow up FAST. An ignorant teenager who should be growing, living life had to become the bread winner, the babysitter. I was truly in deep, and Stockholm Syndrome latched on fairly quickly.
It’s funny when I think back now about some of the situations I have been in. Now I realize what some had to have been thinking, but never verbalized. “What is this grown woman doing with this kid?” Or even wondering how old I was. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
As she died in my arms, I felt as though the chains were melting, falling off. I felt lost, but free. You would think I would have my act together by now, but I’m what I like to call “functionally broken”. Life has to continue. Has to, just numbing myself and burying was what I’ve done for years… why start now?
To help myself, and maybe help others. It’s strange, but even though I have thoughts of worthlessness and irrelevance, sometimes I feel as though I was put on this earth for SOMETHING. Maybe this is it. But in the meantime, I have to tend to my invisible wounds…
“No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.” – Maya Angelou
Current Listen: Fear Factory – Invisible Wounds
No sign of light ever given
Imprisoned in a world without a memory
Unconscious or am I conscious?
Cut from the heart I am part of
Sometimes I feel as though I’m frozen in Heaven
And I saw my own face in the dark and loneliness
And I saw my own face like a spark frozen in Heaven
In dreams I see myself flying
Closer to the sun and I’m climbing
Tried to touch the sun
But the brightness burned my eyes
Photos are by Joel Rosario – All Rights Reserved
Guest Author Bio
Just a human trying to deal in this mad world. Allow me to share random thoughts and observations about my life and the commonality we all share as humans. Through music, quotes, etc.
Website: Resound and Rebel