Scroll through a thousand online dating posts, ask a couple dozen friends, go on a dozen dates, and you’ll find that most of us are, either consciously or unconsciously, looking for fireworks. Hot chemistry. That mad attraction that we can’t soak up enough.
And when we meet someone that doesn’t, for whatever reason, elicit it from us, many of us will move on. Fast. Even if the person otherwise might be a great partner.
So, what gives?
In my own experience, the relationships that started with hot, passionate chemistry died a quick death. The fire brought us together, but once it cooled a bit, we really weren’t a good match for each other. Some psychologists argue that such passionate, fire-filled beginnings often are coming from matching wounds of the past. That the coming together isn’t about love and longevity, but more about co-habiting dysfunctions hoping to heal each other. Most of the spiritual teachings I study also caution against believing the stories we have around desire, precisely because they are designed to get us to go out and pursue whatever it is that is desired.
Related to this is another set of issues. People want it All to happen Now. Many of us don’t want to “waste time,” and find out later that someone “wasn’t right.” But how can you know, if you don’t actually take some time to get to know someone? An hour and a half over coffee or dinner isn’t enough to get to know anyone, but you’d be hard pressed to find a roomful of singles who don’t believe that these days. Furthermore, in addition to being impatient, many of us fail to register more subtle passions for another because we’re too busy looking for, or “trying to will,” something that will burn a city block down when/if it comes.
I also think there’s another issue here. Addiction. The U.S. is truly a society of addicts. I’m not sure that Canada is all that much better. There are high level addicts who destroy their lives and the lives of others. Some make it into therapy and/or recovery groups, while others never make it. However, beyond these folks, I’d argue that a large percentage of us “normal functioning” folks are actually low level addicts. Some absolutely “need” those two or three cups of coffee every morning. Others are miserable if they don’t get their video game fix, or miss their favorite TV show. And still others are addicted to “love,” which is actually lust. They chase the high, and then get burned, again and again.
Are you one of these people?
Photo Credit:
365: Day 133, I Love via Flickr Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
This thought has occurred to me many times. I try to pull back and ask myself this question whenever I think I am falling in love. However, I have met men who made me feel good (flirtation does this) but won’t permit a man I don’t first respect, admire, and think is a decent human being to flirt with me. I am very wary of flirting, unless I am already in a relationship. I think flirting can be very hurtful in that for most women, at least, it means that a man is truly interested in her, but the fact is, men often don’t mean anything by their flirting. My definition for flirting is teasing affectionately and giving compliments on a woman’s looks – her eyes, hair, smile, or figure. It’s a tricky thing. I believe there needs to be some degree of excitement in a relationship, but not all the time. Spontaneous gifts or plans to do something that both people enjoy (once in a relationship) keeps things interesting. I believe strongly that a couple needs to have a couple of long-term interests in common (that is interests that will last a lifetime). They need to be able to spend time apart and enjoy alone time as well. It’s all a balancing act.