People who know me love to wax poetic about what a rule breaker I am. In gatherings they will laugh and tell stories about all the bad things that I have done since they’ve known me. I think this label is unfair. The fact of the matter is that I happen to be Ms. Rule Follower. Yes, occasionally I may bend one a tad farther than 90°. Other times I feel that a rule is just begging to be stomped into the ground with a pair of Doc Martins. After all, someone has to be the first to point out silly policies; otherwise they may stay on the books forever.
Of course some rules are good ones. Always wear your seat belt, do not drink before getting behind a steering wheel, do not commit a homicide, get to work on time, floss every night, make sure your dog has her shots up to date.
But some rules are plainly there just to be crushed. Do not take a picture. Do not walk on the grass. Do not whistle in The Accademia Gallery in Florence, where they house the David (by the way that wasn’t even me).
Silly rules aren’t limited to institutions like museums and tattoo parlors though; the human race has come up with bunches of rules, called laws, some of which need to go the way of the Dodo. For example, in Canada did you know that it is illegal for citizens to publicly remove bandages? Or that you may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet? Or that it is illegal to show public affection on a Sunday? How about the fact that you may not own a log cabin, and if you do, the wooden logs may not be painted? Or if you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 am? Or that no one in Canada may watch, or listen to, an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government?
It is also illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them to death. Now although I happen to agree with this one, it begs the question, why did they have to come up with a law so specific? Were there gangs of ruffians wandering the streets of Canada looking for people with the flu to scare to death?
Then there are some truly strange international laws that really make you question how many hallucinogenic drugs the law makers were taking. For example, in Britain, since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament. But it is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. Interfering with the mail, or sleeping with the consort of the Queen, is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death. Harsh. They take their mail delivery seriously in Jolly Old England.
Australia – It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday. Is it okay to wear warm pink pants? You must have a neck-to-knee swimsuit in order to swim at Brighton Beach. Whoops, I think those postage-stamp-sized bikinis may not be up to code.
Switzerland – It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 pm. Smelly. A man may not relieve himself while standing up after 10 pm. So is 10 pm the witching hour in Switzerland? Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday. Well, God forbid!
And then there is the good old USA. Ho boy! There are many examples to cite but unfortunately I just don’t have that many years. But I thought I’d share just a few:
Alabama – It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Doesn’t that kind of go without saying? It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. So what? God doesn’t have a sense of humour in Alabama? Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Ee-yew. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Personally I remove my lantern anytime I happen to go to the city. Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. Poor virgins, they just can’t catch a break.
Tennessee – Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging. Do they hang the horse, or the thief? No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day. Not even if the Easter Bunny got drunk and accidentally left his eggs on the side of the road? It is legal to gather and consume road-kill. Again, ee-yew. You can’t shoot any game, other than whales, from a moving automobile. So are there gangs of whales from the wrong side of the tracks hanging out in land-locked Tennessee? It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. Well that just goes without saying.
New York – The penalty for jumping off a building is death. I kill you once, I kill you two times? New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it. That’s just funny. A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. Well why not? What if I had a hankering for an ice cream but couldn’t eat it right away? That sounds discriminatory to me. While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one and fold his hands while looking toward the door. So how does a person find out who farted?
Yes, the world is a place of silly rules. And a person pointing that out to the local authorities should be given a reward, not a title like Ms. Rule Breaker.
Image Credit
“Do Not Ride Dinosaurs” by JMacPherson. Creative Commons Flickr: Some rights reserved.
Love it when you make me laugh out loud!!