Hot topic of the week for some; hot topic of life for others.
A bully is a regular person who has no one to share their feelings with. It is someone who feels so much pain that they feel the need to put it on others. Feeling small and powerless is no fun, and to a child with rudimentary coping skills, making someone else feel the same way gives them a temporary sense of relief. It is perhaps the only way they have learned how to share.
In most cases, bullies are created by other bullies.
I have felt the sting of beat downs, harassment, teasing, racism and sexism. Every time it happens, I feel what the bully feels: scared, helpless, weak and dominated.
I have insight enough to know that to some extent, the bully is a victim of circumstance. Through no fault of their own in many cases, a child is forced into this redundant cycle of abuse. But to look the other way is to accept it. To think that it’s not our problem if it’s not happening to us or our children makes us part of the problem. We must instead be part of the solution.
Children should not be left to heal and deal with the wounds of their predecessors. Passing on our wounds to our children, even if by accident or circumstance is unacceptable. It’s hard to do, and takes real courage, strength and self-confidence, but we must heal and deal so that we can teach our children to do the same. We are the ones with the supposed ‘grown up skills.’ We have to invoke them.
We have to face our own demons; be them adult bullies, the scars childhood bullies left on us, or the challenges that our far too apathetic society imposes on us. In the privacy of our own minds, we must feel all the things that we are lead to believe are too hard to feel. We must see our own ‘flaws’ and accept who we are before we can demonstrate real leadership.
Everyone feels insecure sometimes, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. Feeling insecure is a way for us to measure our progress. It allows us to ask ourselves, ‘What can I do to change how I feel?’ It is not a weakness to feel unsure; it is a powerful tool.
We can use this and other tools by simply seeing that they’re there. No one – no matter how badly they beat you up, or call you down – can touch what’s inside you. Only you can. We must be kind to ourselves when we go inside ourselves and others. We must use gentle hands and an open heart. What’s inside when we look with innocent eyes is a secret toolbox designed just for us; to build beautiful consequences, good feelings and memories, and to tear down whatever does not serve us.
But what of a child who is bullied by a parent, step-parent, or other grown-ups because the adult believes that ‘it toughens you up for the real world’, which in a roundabout way, is a way to show love? Or worse, perhaps they are mean or abusive because their own heart has been ripped apart and they don’t care anymore. What does a child do in this situation? The last thing in the world a child in this situation is likely to do is tell anyone. It is so embarrassing to be targeted. So embarrassing to feel ‘chosen’ in this way. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
To all parents, I say this: there is enough inevitable pain in life. We do not need to ‘toughen up’ ourselves or our children for it by creating an artificial sense of security; by hiding in pain, burying feelings for fear of seeming weak, or by trying to steal strength from others. Children will become strong and confident if they know through experience that people care for real. It’s that simple.
As for ‘the strong survive by eating the weak’ concept, survival requires good overall physical and mental health, which cannot be gleaned by stealing it from others. It comes from inside; from feeding good stuff to what’s good inside. Bullying promotes weakness and nothing more. We become what we practice everyday.
To the children, I say the same thing.
I also say that this too shall pass. Breathe in your own quiet center and wait for your patience and calm to rub off. Do not follow out of fear of others. Lead out of honour of self.
Be the toughest person in the room: Be kind.
Image Credits
The Cycle of Bullying @ www.ksde.org
Be The Change@ www.universityymca.org
“My Luke at Petting Zoo with a dear goat” by Mary Rose
I completely agree with you. Regardless of what has happened in our lives we are the only ones who are responsible for – and capable of – transcending all the baggage we carry from our childhood and for discovering and being who we really are.
You’re very welcome. Thank you for your comment.
Sometimes I take for granted all the time, effort, and years of traditional martial arts training it took for me to come to a place where I can feel strong enough to speak about such things. Without taking responsibility for my own experiences and behaviour, I feel I would have no right to say anything on any matter.
What self discipline and reflective thinking have allowed me to see is that built in to our societal norms is this intangible lack of accountability; a tendency to pass the buck and to blame others for our problems, and therefore, to remain ignorant to what is being passed on.
The evidence of this is clear in schools, where the children mimic what they see and learn from their role models. I think putting pain on others is what they see. A lack of ‘in the moment deal with the issue-ness’ so to say. Not in a military or managerial fashion, but in a way that is authentic…through appropriate and mutually beneficial communication. In addition, to take what one learns from these communications, reflect and apply it to real life, is not only the goal, but makes for a bigger good for more people.
(Self) reflection is often made out to be something of a guru or philosopher’s thing, which is folly. In its place, is projection, which is ‘follier’ 🙂 I think we just need to turn the mirror inwards, in a positive way.
Thanks again for your comment. I love feedback and input.
Mary: It is interesting that you bring up the seriously misbegotten belief that bullying makes a child tougher. It is a belief that was held by many parents, teachers, and coaches when I was growing up and as a result of my own experience, I can attest to the fact that such an attitude is not only misguided, it is harmful to a young person’s psychological and spiritual development, leaving effects that take years and years to overcome. Thank you so much for expressing your wise thoughts on this issue.
Thank you Ross, for your kind words. 🙂
Wrote this for ‘No Bully’ week. From the softer side.
Observed more closely what’s considered socially acceptable for kids. In retrospect, I think I could have been more succinct.
And I should have mentioned that standing one’s ground with animal seriousness works charms to deflect even the intention of attack.
But what odds…it’s all a work in progress
Cheers