Once in the car, I turned on the local gospel station and listened to Yolanda Adams sing “Be Blessed.” I smiled and thought, “I AM blessed.” I hummed the melody as I merged onto the interstate. My thoughts then turned to EJ, the love of my life. I always enjoyed my time with him because he always made me laugh and feel loved. I have been seeing EJ for about three years now and I always hated when our time together would end and he would return home to his wife and four kids. Yes, I was seeing a married man.
I pulled onto the street where the church was located and thought I was early, yet the street was already lined with cars and the parking lot was full. As I walked into church, I eased into one of the back pews as the choir was singing. After a few more selections from the choir, the offering was taken up and the preacher began his sermon. He spoke on repentance from the book of Luke, Chapter 13; “The door to heaven is narrow. Try hard to enter it. Many people will want to enter there, but they will not be able to get in.” (Easy Read Version [ERV])
Occasionally my eyes would get heavy but I tried to refocus to help keep from falling asleep. Then all of a sudden I saw something out of the corner of my eye — it was white and on my shoulder. I tried to brush it away but it did not disappear. So I turned my head directly to the right and gasped as I saw a little white angel sitting on my shoulder. She smiled and pointed to my left side. I turned my head and to the left I saw a little red devil sitting on my left shoulder waving at me.
I must be hallucinating or asleep, I thought. Then the little she-devil said to me, “Why are you here?”
Before I could answer, the angel replied, “Leave her alone!” What?” I replied. “I am supposed to be here.”
Then the she-devil spoke directly to me, “You are a sinner. Surely you know that you are going to hell!” I just looked at her. She was spewing devilish words to get my blood pressure up, and it was working. I wanted to yell so badly “Shut the H@!! Up!” but I knew I was in church and thought this must be a vivid nightmare. I turned to the angel and asked her why she wasn’t protecting me. She replied, “Just be quiet.”
Puzzled, I just stared at her as my eyes began to swell with tears. I knew seeing EJ was wrong. I am no dummy but it was like I was addicted to him and he was my habit. It wasn’t just physical, we connected emotionally as well. We fit like a hand to a glove and I needed him under his terms. We shared our deepest fears and desires with each other. I truly loved EJ, but it is wrong no matter how much I tried to rationalize it.
The she-devil was right!
The preacher then began to offer the invitation to the discipleship and people began to walk toward the front of the church. And then it was like I was quietly swept up and carried to the front of the congregation. No more she-devil and no more angel. I approached the preacher and my mouth uttered, “I repent.”
“Devil inside” © Some rights reserved by mia3mom on Flickr