This morning I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook when my son came up. A friend of his had written on his wall some typical pre-adolescent insult and my son had replied in one, awful word — “fag.”
I couldn’t believe it. Here I was in my purple “To Write Love On Her Arms” hoodie in support of Spirit Day. I wrote on this site most recently about bullying against LGBT children. I expressed my fear of having a child bullied or be a bully. All of the things I thought, deep in my heart, that I had taught my children — empathy, understanding, acceptance — were erased by my son writing one little word on the internet.
Now, I know my children and I know that they are all those things. I am proud of them. I love them with everything I’ve got and they are the most important thing in my world. I know that my son didn’t understand the power of that one little word and I know that he doesn’t really understand why using that insult is so dangerous. He is 11 years old and, being in his first year of middle school, is being exposed to all kinds of new social rules. His gentle soul is taking it all in and trying to fit in as best he can.
I am thankful that I saw what he wrote. I am thankful that I saw it at the beginning of the day, so that I could take the time to process and figure out what to do about it instead of simply just reacting while he was here. I think how his young, almost-in-puberty brain is very different from my mature brain. His whole world is just a bunch of reactions. He hears one boy call another person a “fag” and sees a bunch of reactions around him. I’m pretty sure he saw a bunch of laughing and boys working towards bravado and not really thinking at all about the implications of that language. I get that. I understand that. I even accept that as part of kids exploring their way through the murky road from childhood to adolescence.
That’s where I come in, the parent. I need to teach my children that their words have power, way more than they could ever anticipate. That it is not okay to use derogatory language, to tease, to poke fun, even at a friend. I’m pretty sure my son doesn’t understand the range and depth of social media, that his poke at a friend is seen by lots of other kids and is probably hurting more than one of them indirectly. Obviously, I haven’t been clear enough with my son — haven’t kept up with his rapid growth and change in social connections. I’ve held him in the “child” stage in my mind when clearly that is rapidly disappearing.
When my kids opened up their Facebook accounts I told them I needed to have their user names and passwords and that I would be checking in on them. I explained that I respected their privacy and would only look if I felt like they were putting themselves in an unsafe situation; otherwise I would just monitor them from my account. This internet parenting is complicated because they are experiencing something I never did, so I’m doing a lot of guessing and making it up as I go along and thinking of worse case scenarios. Going crashing into puberty with the internet along for the ride without any boundaries seems like a recipe for disaster for any child.
So, my son will come home from school this afternoon and I will try and explain to him in a way that doesn’t make him feel ashamed or guilty why writing that one little comment hurt me so much. I will try to take him one step further on the road to being an accepting, embracing, empathetic adult.
Photo Credit
abcnews
What a lovely article this is. I do not have children but I think I can understand, at least a little, how difficult it is to bring up kids in the wired, social-networked world, how hard it must be to maintain the delicate balance between allowing them to be who they are and teaching them what is truly of value in this life. You have expressed this poignantly and without making judgment or offering pat answers. Bless you.
This is so powerful, and it also brings to mind how we, as parents and adults can have a dichotomy in our own homes, despite what we think/believe/feel.
It is also a echo of what I said before, about making sure we teach our children how powerful words are, that is a hard task when so much of the world, doesn’t feel the same way. AT least not until they are hit like a Mack Truck with words that hurt them.
From this side of the screen you are doing a great job as a momma! Keep it up!
Great article!!
thanks for sharing it!!
Mary, (writer of the Sacred Act of Parenting 10/11/2010)