As we move into 2011, I’m focusing on my faith; or rather, I’m committed to restoring my faith in myself and my God.
I lost my faith as a child during those dark days of my father and grandmother’s abuse. I have vivid memories of myself as a child, terrified and in pain beyond words, begging God to take me back to heaven.
But God didn’t save me even though my church teachings had assured me that God protected those who are worthy, and so at the ripe old age of six or seven I decided I must be unworthy. I stopped trusting that God would ever be on my side.
As an adult, I didn’t realize my faith was lost. In fact, up until a month ago I would have argued with anyone that I had deep faith in the Universe, Source, Law of Attraction or whatever you choose to call it. And I do have that faith at a conscious and even at a subconscious level, but deep down below my subconscious, in my cellular memory – I do not believe.
I only learned that recently thanks to sessions with the shaman with whom I have been working. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my shaman is a God-based healer who is helping me to release the dark energy I’ve held all my life.
About three weeks ago, she told me I didn’t have enough faith – in myself or in God. I didn’t believe her, and I argued passionately for my faith. But then, as I felt my way past my defenses and deep down into the core of my truth — the place we all know but so often ignore — I found she was right. My lack of faith in my worthiness and in God’s partnership is real and it is creating a major barrier to my next level of personal growth and abundance.
So I began to search for my faith. This search isn’t a conscious exercise, a research project or an intellectual quest. It is a search that lets me access feelings and knowledge deep within myself, far beyond my conscious or subconscious programming, into my cellular memory – the very essence of my energetic being — where my loss of faith is imprinted.
During the past few years, even as my conscious and subconscious selves have realigned and come into balance, my cellular memory and my belief in my unworthiness before God has influenced my every move. Now it’s time for me to release that buried, imprinted and core belief.
It’s time for me to step into faith.
“First Snowdrop” AlicePopkorn @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.