Yesterday, I suffered unwanted sexual advances from a man in a way that I can’t seem to find an appropriate word for. Was it molestation? Sexual assault? Too nuanced to label? The story, in a nutshell:
After a rough week at work, I decided to celebrate Friday by staying in for tipsy laundry night, one of my favorite bi-weekly rituals. I meditated on a glass of tasty young zin while sorting my clothes, then – bereft of quarters — ran to the convenience store across the street to withdraw some cash from the ATM. ATM aside, this convenience store isn’t one of my favorites, so on the rare occasions I step in, the 45-year-old owner always gives me a hero’s welcome.
I have a soft spot for this man, the tireless hours he works behind the counter, the cheerful way he corrects his wife’s mistakes on the cash register, the pride with which he looks on his 12-year-old son who spends evenings working on homework in the back. So I didn’t think much of it when he met me at the ATM and opened his arms for a hug.
As he was leaning in, though, I realized something was wrong. Instead of a quick, chaste embrace, the second his arms were around me, he swung his head down and planted a moist kiss on the base of my neck. At the same time, he dropped his hand to my ass and squeezed from one side while pressing his pelvis from the other.
The whole encounter lasted maybe five seconds, but the entire time, my body was frozen and my mind preoccupied with one thought. Not the thought I would have imagined, though. As a strident feminist, I’m never one to hold back when confronted by brain-dead teenage catcallers or men who stand too close in the subway. When presented with actual, physical violation, I always imagined I’d throw punches first, ask questions later.
Instead, the only thought echoing through my head: Oh god, how can I get out of this fast without being impolite? After he’d retreated to the counter, I even bought a soda I didn’t want, so he wouldn’t think poorly of me for treating his store like a bank branch.
Even later, when I was back at home and felt safe, I struggled with the proper reaction to the event. So I did what came naturally: kept drinking wine until I could no longer feel the scrape of his stubble against my neck, then posted about the event on Twitter.
If I didn’t know how to react, my Twitter followers had no such reservations. Of the two dozen responses I received — through Twitter, text and email — people’s comments fell in three distinct categories:
1) Are you okay?
2) I want to punch that guy.
3) Why’d you let him touch you in the first place?
The first response came from both men and women – and, though I was too uncomfortable to even answer, I appreciated it. The second poured in from men I know both online and in real life, and reminded me how happy I am to only associate with guys who are actively respectful to women.
The third response, though, is the one that troubled me. Not just because it hints at the kind of blame-the-victim mentality that perpetuates sexual assault — both small cases like mine and much bigger, deadlier games — in our society. But because it mirrored my own disappointment with my reaction. The weirdest thing, though, is that this failure of sympathy came exclusively from women.
There is, I think, an interesting tension in the current cultural conversation about sexual assault and rape. Feminists (and I do hope that all women are feminists) agree that any unwelcome physical advance, no matter how small, is a violation that should be stopped. We agree, furthermore, that often it isn’t physical weakness but rather a feeling of social powerlessness forces a woman not to speak out when she is being violated. And in the ideal scenario, a modern woman should feel empowered enough to ignore any inkling of social powerlessness and just do something to stop unwanted advances.
And it’s a great theory. It is, in fact, such a great theory, that it can be hard to remember that theories don’t always translate to reality. I, for example, would call myself a strong, empowered woman, almost to the point of obnoxiousness (just ask my ex) — yet the one time it mattered, I was frozen by shock and all but turned into a shrinking Bronte damsel, falling all over myself so as not to offend the jackass molesting me.
I don’t have any answers or suggestions, no Big Lessons I Have Learned, but as a woman and as a feminist, this event and the responses it garnered served as a rather brutal reminder: in order to eradicate sexual assault in our society, women need to be empowered to recognize their own strength. But if that strength occasionally fails, we need a little understanding and sympathy. Both from others and from ourselves.
Photo Credit
Flower Secrets Altered National Geographic Magazine “Angels and Guardians” July 9, 2009 by Original Bliss @ flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
so glad you posted, hope youre ok…makes me feel like I’m not alone, and some good common sense, I was frozen in shock by a relatively small crossing of boundaries that gave me no room to dodge out of due to the counter in the way, in a supposedly safe place, I am a volunteer in a nice cafe. I was not prepared. off guard like An event that left me feeling filthy and like a toilet, and most sympathy for the purpetrator..apparently they meant no harm… and me feeling worse than ever and guilty that I somehow did something wrong, with these nice people all hurt and upset too…..while trying to remain polite….because I didnt want the nice people to be brought into disrepute in our small comunity…..
thanks to the other comments for their stories too..I thought I knew self defense… no one told me my brain could freeze… but I know it now and dont feel nearly so bad… but I can still feel his hand on my back , in THAT way, and standing too close..(yes I could have kneed him, but I froze) and hoped he’d stop quickly so I could move from the counter…i continued serving, then ran upstairs and told the female clerks but they some how didnt get that there had been an incident..I was soo non emotional, they, the emotions, had switched off…. then when I got home the floodgates opened and I told my husband who was furious and has taken various reasonable action…but thats not quite the point…and gradually more and moreis daawning on me…. but still the people said he didnt mean anything….and he was socially inept, BUT Ive seen the way this customer looks and women, tries to engage women, and tries to compliment them, stands too close, etc etc…and now I feel bad for blowing the whistle on him… for what ..putting his hand on my back, standing too close, cornering me against the counter..near my boss, and making me feel so very , very, very,disgusting? have I given him advances?..no, only very polite conversation no more than other customers….and a lot less than others. thanks, for being able to process this…….
If you have the courage, and don’t think it’s too dangerous, I’d recommend you tell the man how much you dislike what he did. There are surprising number of men who don’t realize such actions are unwanted. If he is one of those fools, simply telling him may help.
Very well-timed article for me. This Tuesday my swing-dancing class started up again for the schoolyear– it’s a fun, low-key, really cheap club on campus with a good mix of undergrad and grad students from my school and a few outsiders. We meet up weekly for lessons, and go out on the weekends to dance.
Now, I have an acquaintance in this club, a guy who’s probably close to ten years older than me. We danced together last year and had a casually flirtatious but entirely platonic relationship; I had a boyfriend and was quite clear about that fact, and although I could tell he was the kind of guy to hit on just about every woman he met, he respected my relationship and never tried to pull anything on me.
After class this week, he offered to walk with me to the bus stop– it was on his way, it was pouring rain, he had an umbrella and I didn’t, so I said sure (I mean, what was i supposed to say? “No, you cannot walk next to me as we take the same route home”?) During the walk, I mentioned that I’d broken up with my boyfriend. As soon as I’d said that, I noticed that the guy started walking much closer to me, putting his hand on my waist from time to time, pulling me closer to him (“You’re not under the umbrella!”), etc. At one point I tripped on the curb, and he caught me. A few steps later, he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk in front of me, grabbed me, and started kissing me.
What kills me is that I didn’t yell at him, or hit him, or make any sort of scene. I didn’t respond to his kiss, and I turned my face away, but that just made him kiss my ears and neck. And I was sitting there thinking, “Step away. Tell him to stop.” but I kept telling myself that would be rude, I know him, anyway, I must have been sending some sort of signals… and I didn’t stop him. I stopped short of going for a drink with him (I’m not dumb enough to drink with a guy who’s trying to seduce me, thankfully), but I felt so helpless and stupid.
I got in a conversation the day after with my sister and two friends, one guy and one girl, about how twisted our culture’s attitude is toward sexual assault. Women are given this idea that if a man is sexually attracted to them , it is the woman’s fault. Your skirt must be too short, your shirt too low-cut, you batted your eyelashes, you pursed your lips. You’re the one who tripped on the curb, you must have wanted to fall into his arms. But the bottom line is: there is no excuse. None. Even if a woman has not said “no”, if she has not said “yes”, she has not given her consent. If you haven’t asked, you haven’t gotten consent. If you’re kissing her and she’s pulling away, don’t assume she’s being coy; make damn well sure she wants you to be kissing her.
and it’s so hard to remember, but I think we women have to: if someone is touching your body when you’d rather they not be, regardless of whether it’s a hug, a kiss, sex, hell, a handhold, SPEAK UP. It is your body. I don’t care if you’re walking around in bondage gear, there is no excuse. If you have not given explicit consent, the assumption should be that the encounter is not consensual. And that’s all there is to it.
Thank you “That Kind of Girl” for raising such an important issue on Life As A Human.
I always thought I knew what to do if someone attacked me in an overt way, but I never did know what to do about those slightly more subtle actions. I remember sitting on a bus once and a man slid his hand under my butt. Like you, I was polite. I politely excused myself and moved to the back of the bus. The things was…what if I were wrong? I didn’t want to make a scene. Can you imagine! I hope that today I would yell out to the bus driver…or yell at the guy … or something. But I wonder if the old conditioning would still kick in.
I have lived with two rescue dogs who were previously abused. When they felt threatened by the slightest thing, they didn’t…couldn’t run or respond…they just froze and became immovable. They were conditioned that no action would be correct so they hunkered down and waited for the perceived storm to pass.
I’m not comparing us to dogs but when I think of my experience on that bus I realize I did the same thing: I didn’t want to draw anger or attention to myself. I just wanted the storm to pass so I collapsed into myself, relying on my old conditioning that whispered, “Don’t make a scene. Be polite.”
To you and the others who have written here so poignantly, thank you for your courage, because it took courage to write so honestly.
I was sexually assaulted by a visiting professor during my undergraduate days. I’m a fairly tall, athletic man, and yet, I also froze and could do nothing. I went through all kinds of suffering around the incident, from questioning my sexuality to feeling guilty that I drank too much and didn’t leave the party we were both at sooner. It took several years, and talking to a lot of people, to realize that a)freezing up and feeling defenseless are commonplace and b)that I wasn’t to blame for the violation.
People tend to forget that some men also end up being victims, and that, too, made it harder for me to talk about what happened to me. Now I try to use every opportunity to share a little of my story, so that others might not keep theirs in hiding as long as I did.
You know, all of the comments here, your story, and mine makes me wonder how often people actually do react with a swift kick or some other use of force. We’d like to think we would do so, that we know how to get out of these situations, but I bet the majority of assault and rape victims freeze, get passive, curl up in fear and shock.
And depending on the situation, those reactions might be the only ones that save you. Fighting back sometimes is the best response, and sometimes it gets people killed.
WOW! That stinks! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’d like to join the guys that said they’d like to punch the guy, but I’m betting I’d lose the fight. I fully agree with your mom- you did nothing wrong. Please don’t go in there again, at least not without backup. Also, please don’t lose your wonderful, bold way of embracing life. On a side note, I worry about you and the penpals…
Because you rock.
My god, I”m so sorry to hear that.
I am sending you big, wonderful, healing hugs.
Take care of you at this time, please. Take super wonderful care of you.
and I’m here if you need anything.
you may know this, but i’m going to say it anyway. You may have hard times in the next few weeks/months/years. allow it, care yourself through it. This is just as traumatizing as a rape, but without out the public acknowledgement.
I can identify with the sense of failure you put on yourself when you didn’t react the way you’d hoped you would as well as letting some one into your space in an attempt to be culturally understanding. I teach English overseas and have had several moments of brain-stuttering “WTF is happening?!” as someone invaded my space…a fault that was completely theirs but I was hardest on myself because I let them into that bubble, because I didn’t shove them away and scream.
Because I continue to interact with new cultures and have to redefine my normal barrier or personal space, I’d like to offer to you the opinion that nothing, from walking, reading or riding a bicycle is done perfectly the first time. It takes an experience and perhaps a painful evaluation to know how you want to handle it next time, but know that if anyone ever approaches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable again, you will be ready and have your reaction firmly locked in your mind.
Best of luck 🙂
Dear, I am truly sorry that this happened to you and I wish you had kicked him in the balls really hard.
That said, I do suspect that he had been drinking. You should report this to the local police so that they are aware of the situation in case it happens to someone else. Sometimes unpleasant things happen in the city or at parties. I would strongly advise that you avoid the store and carry a hammer or a small knife with you at all times. You are a friendly person and approachable, but you must keep your wits about you at all times. You did not do anything wrong except you did not anticipate. In a perfect world you would not need to.
I going to send you some quarters, dear, but I rather give you a big hug. Love you!
I’m having a combo reaction of wanting to make sure you’re okay AND wanting to punch that guy. Although whenever I’ve been in a similar situation, I’ve thrown nary a punch. I think it’s really shocking and upsetting and a little scary when stuff like this happens. I’ve ended up feeling equal parts horrified by the event itself and by my reaction. Go easy on yourself! It’s hard to know what the right thing is to do, especially in the heat of the horrible, creepy moment.
Wow, what a creep. I, too, am sorry you had such a disturbing encounter. I saw an episode of 20/20 once that was about our reactions in plane crashes and other crises, and it described what happens to your thought processes during shock: apparently, your mind uses a kind of search-and-retrieve type method to get info from the memory files, but in a state of crises your mind gets caught in a loop because the circle can’t be closed. The mind needs a reference point in order to act, but in these situations it just searches…and search again. Shock can also produce physical paralysis. Anyway, my point is that your reaction was natural and likely beyond your control. Look at it as a mechanical failure of the mental apparatus of the human body rather than a personal failure of ideology.
I honestly don’t know what my reaction would have been, either. I would have liked to think that I would have given the situation a big “oh HELL no” and DONE something, but… I think it would have caught me off-guard. As it did you. And there’s this weird dynamic there of him as the proprietor of the store and you being this genuinely nice person, that… gah. I can’t make the connection in my head of why that would make the situation different, but it’s like… maybe he felt empowered to do that because it was his store? Which makes it even more Not Okay, because, obviously, it’s not a “safe” place then, and he’s taking advantage of… something. I can’t make words work.
I’m glad you are okay and I’m glad that nothing more happened, and if I was there, I would totally kick him in the groin for you.
It’s a whole other thing to ponder about the why women are more likely to blame the victim. I don’t know. It makes me sad to even have to think about it. I hate the world we live in, sometimes.
I’m very sorry this happened, and I hope you’re doing alright. I’m a long time reader (never a commenter), but I feel I need to leave my lurking spot and remind you, as others have, not to blame yourself. As a feminist and former rape victim, I understand all too well the tendency we have to blame the victim, as a culture and as individuals. And I think as empowered, strong women, blame is often the hardest part of the experience to deal with, because it’s painful to reckon with the idea that our rights weren’t respected, and that we didn’t demand that respect, or it may have even been beyond our control to demand it when the time came, due to shock or other factors (which, to me, felt even worse. Admitting my lack of control was terrifying…but oddly liberating, when I saw that it wasn’t my fault).
I only hope that our society reaches a point where we can respect, not lecture, victims of these crimes, and where silence is no longer the norm. Thank you for speaking about it and adding a positive voice to the conversation!
This happened to me last year with my mechanic. I viewed him as a fatherly-type, relieved I could finally trust a 40+ without transferring all my issues. Similarly, he hugged me a bittooclose and kissed my neck too low to qualify for ‘aiming for my cheek.’ Shivers and snakes ran up my spine, I politely extricated myself, paid for my oil change and left, never to return. Thinking about that moment still brings up feelings of ickyness, violation and, yes, self-blame. Even though it happened over a year ago.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
First, a number 1. That’s a horrible thing to have happen and I really do hope you’re okay. Second, a thought on number 3. I wonder if, at least in some cases, that reaction was more out of fear than accusation. I think a lot of people couldn’t help but think, “What if that had been me? I know I can kick ass like anything and NO WAY would I stand for that but what if it isn’t that easy?” I hope I would never suggest that a victim brought an attack upon her (or him)self but I know how hard it can be to react the way you want to/think you should. And that’s scary.
I really like your perspective on why girls might have had the third reaction. I think that’s a really good point, and now that I think about it, I suspect that’s true. I might have just been projecting my own sense of failure into the way I heard the question.
I think you do end up in shock, because it’s so hard to align how you would react to an unwanted touching with the reality that you know that person and had good thoughts about them.
Sorry that that happened to you. That completely sucks.
i had a non-tactile harassment situation at my old job. one of the partners of the firm was widely known as a total creeper. we were all in an elevator for what was the longest elevator ride known to man, and he kept not only staring at my bosom, but commenting on it. it got to the point where i ducked down, met his eyes, straightened up again making eye contact and said, “y’know, i’m up here, not down there.”
then i immediately got off the elevator on the wrong floor and took the stairs the rest of the way up.
sigh.
I wonder if the “Why did you let him touch you in the first place” can be completely attributed to “blame the victim.” If I had seen your tweet last night, I probably would have asked the same thing — because I want to know how such an incident can intrude into a normal girl’s life. So I would expand the question to: how did you come to be in a social situation that turned into this badness?
— Your Austin BFF
That’s a really good point, and makes me feel much better about the question! Also, for the record: when he first went in for a hug, I ignored my never-touch-anyone-ever impulse because I chalked the hug attempt up to cultural differences. I’m a pretty hands-off person, but I figured that a hug from someone you see every few weeks might not be such a strange advance in a lot of cultures, you know?
All these comments demonstrate that yours is not an isolated experience, and I’ll add that I too have firsthand experience with unwanted advances. And you’re right – what’s jarring is how I can be ready to stand up for my self for others, especially in sexist or discriminatory circumstances, but when it happened to me, I kind of…froze? The disappointment you described is guilt. Like somehow we brought this on ourselves, somehow we misled them, somehow we came across as girls open to that particular kind of behavior. Hopefully even as you read that you can answer back, but no – no I did not give them permission or even a suggestion that that is ok. Do not feel guilty. And then you can transfer your disappointment in your own reaction to where they rightfully belong – his actions. Find another store and if you encounter him again let him know you will notify the police.
And I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you, but I think that your reaction is quite normal.
It happened to me, twice.
You really find yourself in too much of a shock, and it all happens so fast you barely have any time to think, and you just want to get out of that moment.
But you know who this guy is, so I’d go to with the advice to report him to authorities.
I think the hardest part about your situation is that you previously “knew” the guy and had a somewhat positive perception of him. It’s the surprise at the action that feels like the biggest betrayal. I had a similar situation with a friend of ours when he was drunk. I did end up smacking him across the face after he groped me for the second (third?) time, but far too late in the game. The whole thing was such a shock, I didn’t put a stop to it immediately because I was more like, “WTF??? Is this REALLY happening??”
Anyway, sorry you had to experience that. It’s awful.
I had something similar happen. It was even a client of mine! He came up behind me and greeted me by grabbing my ass! I was horrified and yet… so shocked, I couldn’t even say anything until we were out of the building. Even then, I only said very quietly that it was completely inappropriate of him to do that. I was so upset by my reaction. I’m a feminist and an angry, nearly violent person when it comes to sexual assualt. Yet… I did nothing.
It still makes me feel a little sick to my stomach months later. And I could feel his hand for hours afterward.
I’m sorry you went through it, and I really hope you follow the advice of one of the above commenters. Tell the authorities. He’s probably done it before and nice guys just DON’T do that. I hope you’re okay, and I’d definitely like to punch the guy for you.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’ve definitely been in similar situations where my own need to not to offend led me to put my own personal comfort aside and accept behavior that I absolutely knew was not appropriate. It’s embarrassing to think back on a situation and have to admit to yourself that you let someone get away with something like that – that you just took it.
I think an important thing to remember, that you didn’t mention but I’m sure you’ve considered, is that it’s not too late to assert yourself. You could march back to that convenience store and politely but firmly tell the clerk that what he did was inappropriate. If he really is at his core a nice person who values you as a customer, he’ll apologize. Alternately, he might defend his actions. If that happens, you can feel confident that you’re making the right decision in not visiting his store again.
I think if it were me, I think I’d feel better about the situation knowing that I’d done all I could to right the situation from my end, even if it was after the fact.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
That sucks.
fantastically written.
here’s a number 1 coupled with a number 2.
but what a shame for those number 3’s. can’t say i’m surprised though. i’ve never been sexually assaulted but when i think about what my own reactions would be i flip flop between being positive that i’d fight back to being fairly sure i’d go into shock and would be unable to react.
tempting to get someone to go over and tell his wife huh. but i can never decide my feelings on the whole “higher ground” thing.
but i really do hope you are feeling ok.
I have a number of memories that involve me reacting to a situation in ways I wouldn’t have expected. They can haunt you, but it doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you lived. And in this case, you lived to tell.
Something kind of like that happened to me on a bus when I was in college, and I was similarly irritated by my non-reaction to him. (Instead of doing something that I feared would create a scene, like punch him in the face or tell the bus driver, I simply got off at the next stop even though it wasn’t my stop, and ended up having to wait for another bus just because I couldn’t bring myself to let the other passengers know of my predicament.)
I don’t think you should blame yourself for not fighting him off, or for actually trying to be extra-polite and even buy a drink from him to avoid awkwardness. You were probably just way too shocked to even think straight- that’s how it was for me, anyway. You spend your whole life being warned by your parents and teachers (and Lifetime movies of the week) about “stranger danger,” and then sometimes when a situation arises where it’s actually happening to you, you are just so shocked that you can’t even process what to do.
Now that you’ve cleared your mind, though, I suggest that you report his actions to someone- you’re probably not the only female customer he’s tried this on, and you likely won’t be the last either. Maybe just an anonymous tip to the local police…? You’ll probably feel awkward about it, but he really did assault you by touching you and also by invading your personal space. I know you’d feel bad about ruining his business, because you’re just a very nice person who cares deeply about others, but you can’t sacrifice your own self-worth to ensure others’ happiness, as I know you know. I realize that you’d feel bad for his wife and son, but who’s to say that he’s not abusing them as well in some way? “Nice guys” don’t tend to play grab-ass with their store customers at the ATM. This dude needs to be stopped. I am so sorry that he had to make you feel so squicky- it is a horrible, violated feeling to be cornered like that. You are in my thoughts.
Oh, dude. I hear you so, so hard. So hard. I’m painfully pleasant. For a long time, I would literally engage in conversation with the drunk homeless man wandering my grocery store parking lot, talking about UFOs.
And then I started teaching in the worst neighborhood in Minnesota. Really. On the seven block walk to and from work I will regularly be asked for money, offered rides and yelled at at least once a day. Now I’ve perfected the art of yelling “No thank you!” Incredibly effective.
As someone with first-hand experience, I think the most important steps we can take are to encourage respect for women/people (obviously; but this counters the idea that women are to blame for rape) and to believe people when they say they’ve been assaulted/molested/raped. Half the reason people don’t report abuse is the immediate accusations of false claims. If you’ve been molested, I hope people ask “What can I do?” and affirm that they believe you.