Some people just ask for too much from life and are chronically disappointed. My husband is not this kind of person.
In fact, I think he is one of the most easy going people I’ve ever met, except when it comes to eggs.
More specifically, how eggs are cooked.
How his eggs are cooked.
I should begin by telling you he takes his eggs basted. For some reason, basted eggs are one of the most difficult things for line cooks to get right. I should also tell you that I have never basted an egg for him in our entire 25 years together. I know where my talents lie and they are not with cooking eggs.
So I happily leave the basting to unsuspecting cooks who mostly get it wrong and end up facing my husband’s profound displeasure.
Breakfast Theatre
Once we were having breakfast with our family at a local golf course. It was a pleasant Sunday morning. Our all-smiles server arrived to take our orders. One by one we told her what we wanted. Scrambled. Fried. Over-easy. More scrambled.
The sunshine server girl turned to my other half with a big smile. “And you, sir?” she asked.
“I’ll have my eggs BASTED,” he told her, looking at her suspiciously. “Can your cook do BASTED?” Everyone in our family gave each other the “uh oh” look.
“Of course,” she told him with a big springtime smile and went off to order the eggs.
Things looked hopeful. “I got a feeling of confidence from her,” my husband said.
Twenty minutes later the eggs arrived … with hard yolks.
Back the eggs went. The sunshine girl’s smile went with them.
Ten minutes later, the eggs were too soft. Back they went again. By now, sunshine girl was drooping like a stressed out tulip.
The next time they came back, the eggs were grizzled, greasy and clearly burned. By this time, every family member was carefully studying his or her silverware, and folding and refolding napkins.
After a period of silence, my husband cleared his throat.
“I think your cook has an issue with my eggs,” he informed our now mournful server. “I think your cook is being passive aggressive towards my eggs.” At which point our entire table erupted in laughter and I inhaled my coffee to avoid spitting it out at the old folks at the next table. I risked a glance. My husband was frowning. My mother was mortified. My daughter was embarrassed. My step dad was trying to make a joke.
The Egg Beater
It’s interesting to note that one of the dictionary definitions for the word baste is “to thrash or beat violently.” It also doesn’t escape me how close the word basted comes to bastard, not that I’m suggesting anything here.
In the Chef Talk forum, chef Bob Ballantyne writes, “Perhaps the most misunderstood preparation of eggs is the Basted Egg. Requesting basted eggs is a little like being a tea drinker in the USA. If you are a tea drinker and request tea either with breakfast or after dinner, you know what I mean. The system is not designed to handle such requests.”
Fast Food Frenzy
I agree. It’s bad enough when my husband orders basted eggs in sit-down restaurants, but he also tries it on BC Ferries during the breakfast rush. For those of you who don’t know, BC Ferries is probably the world’s busiest ferry system. People drive and walk on in the hundreds and literally run to queue up for their food before the line grows too long. BC Ferries system is set up for speed and efficiency. Basting does not fall into either of those categories.
But my husband is not interested in speed and efficiency when it comes to his food. So of course he ordered basted eggs. The woman behind him rolled her eyes. I felt like I was about to get hives. By the time the eggs showed up 15 minutes later, he was alone in the line up, and I heard him declare, from the spot where he had been standing expectantly the whole time, “That is NOT basted.”
“Sir, this egg is basted.”
“I know basted. This is not basted. It’s poached.”
“It’s basted.”
“It’s NOT!”
It was an egg stand-off. My husband won because the customer is always right.
Of Psychology and Eggology
My husband’s obsession with how his eggs are cooked is so deep seated, I decided there must be some buried psychological reason for this, or some symbolic clue. Sure enough, Carl Jung, who must have thought of everything to do with the mind, even thought about the mind on eggs.
“The egg is a germ of life with a lofty symbolical significance,” Jung wrote in Archetypes of the Collective Unconscious. “It is not just a cosmogonic symbol — it is also a ‘philosophical one’. As the former it is the Orphic Egg, the world’s beginning; as the latter, the philosophical egg of the medieval natural philosophers, the vessel from which, at the end of the opus alchymicum, the homunculus emerges… the spiritual, inner, and complete man.”
Uh huh. Well. Ok then.
In fact, eggs are loaded with symbolism of births, beginnings, rebirth and immortality. In many cultures, they embody life’s essence — the soul is symbolized by the round, yellow yolk. So maybe, when the yolk is not perfectly cooked, my husband thinks it is a reflection on his soul? Or…maybe not.
The more I learned about eggs, the more I actually think that my husband constantly orders basted eggs because this is his quest for perfection, his odyssey — not just on a food level but on a spiritual level. A perfectly basted egg would mean, on some level, that all is well in the universe. As such, the perfectly basted egg is his Holy Grail.
I’m not even sure what he would do if he suddenly got the perfectly basted egg. I think it might actually be disappointing to him because it would end his lifelong quest.
And then he would have to pick on another food.
How To Cook a Perfectly Basted Egg (Apparently!)
A basted egg is a cross between a sunny-side-up fried egg and a poached egg. To prepare one to perfection, heat a non-stick pan over medium heat. Add a small amount of non-stick spray or butter. Crack an egg into the pan and add your desired seasoning (e.g. salt and pepper). Let the egg cook only briefly before adding about 1 Tbsp. of water.
Cover the pan with a lid immediately and allow the egg to cook for 2-3 minutes, depending on how well done you like your egg. Remove from heat when the top of the yolk appears slightly white-ish. Remove the lid and you should have a perfectly basted egg.
Photo Credits
“Egg on Her Face” Carolyn Coles @ Flickr. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
“Perfectly finished basted egg” from Cooking Up a Storm
“Basted with lid” from Home Ec 101
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I know I’m more than a few years late to this discussion, but I just wanted to say that I “get” you — basted eggs are my favorite as well. Yes, it’s a cross between a fried egg and a poached egg, but you don’t end up with an extra 200 calories of greasy butter like you do with a fried egg and you don’t have to deal with the complicated process and high failure rate of making poached eggs. And on top of that, poached eggs are just “prettier” than either of those other two.
I do have a tip to share. If you aren’t using really fresh eggs, then there is going to be a couple of teaspoons worth of watery liquid inside your egg. When you crack the egg directly into the pan all that runny liquid is going to cover the surface of the pan, making them a bit less “pretty” in my opinion. But if you crack the egg first into a round bottomed mesh strainer and let runny liquid drain off, then gently roll your egg off the strainer into the skillet, you will have the most beautiful, freshest looking “egg shaped” basted eggs around!
HUZZAH~! I say basted egg eaters, STAND YOUR GROUND~! I used to shy away from ordering basted eggs, and just save them for when I cook Sunday morning breakfast. But we have to understand that preparing basted eggs to a line cook is like a double inverted ali kick flip to a skateboarder…
I trained cooks, and the look on thier face is priceless. The thought in their mind was clear: ok wait, you want me to put this lid on here and then GUESS when the eggs are perfect when I have 1,800 other things to juggle this morning? Thats AWESOME! (sarcasim) Some people in the food industry can handle this request, they are called chefs. If you want your basted egg just so, you’re going to want to find a well trained professional. Cuz that cook at the golf course on Sunday morning is just trying to get his shift over so he can go home and play video games.
Cool! I first saw basted eggs on Man VS Food and thought I’d have a go at cooking one!
For those of you that have seen the show I think I’m going to try mine a bit different to him by using crumpets instead of pancakes.
1. Heat crumpet up in the toaster for approx 4 minutes.
2. Start to baste the egg.
3. Take the crumpet out of the toaster and while it’s hot put some butter on top and then drizzle treacle (syrup) over the top and let it absorb into the crumpet.
4. Put the basted egg on top of the crumpet, grind a little black pepper over the yolk and if desired throw on a sprinkle of your favorite grated cheese.
5. Enjoy!
I have seen this show at Floyd’s on several occasions. It has yielded a great photo of me while the subject of the article waited in vain( Bob Marley be damned), several wondrous compliment to my writing from the author of the said article, and a extended period of time in which to observe the natives in their natural state…some of whom are awfully damned nauturel to be sure. Breakfast with these people is the MOST important meal of any day and like Disneyland, the Great Canadian Rockies and a Jean Beliveau rush up the ice in the final seconds are all mixed together a memory to last a lifetime…basted, bastard, basta…hmmm
Gee, I have been cooking eggs like that for years and I didn’t know it had a name – basted! Boy, are they good! I wonder if they will taste even better now that they are properly named?
Is it just with wishful thinking that I say I thought a basted egg was supposed to have its yolk brushed with butter before being served?
I’m not sure, but that does sound good. It would make the perfectly basted eggs even more perfectly perfect!
Oh..that sounds good actually
I have to admit, I feel your husband’s pain. I love love love a good easy-over egg (and yes, I know they’re actually over-easy, but my mom’s Belgian, and the words you learn as a kid never go away). When the yolk is still runny, but no slimy white remains…heaven. And few foods are more disappointing than a badly prepared egg. I’m suddenly grateful that at least my favorite egg is one that most people are familiar with. Though I have had to explain the difference between over-easy and sunny-side up on more than one occasion.
Hi Angie, I’m glad to know there is someone else out there who understands the pain, but thankfully you have chosen over-easy.
Thanks for the support Angie. It’s nice to know there are other egg aficianados out there.
“The egg is a germ of life with a lofty symbolical significance,” Jung wrote in Archetypes of the Collective Unconscious. “It is not just a cosmogonic symbol — it is also a ‘philosophical one’. As the former it is the Orphic Egg, the world’s beginning; as the latter, the philosophical egg of the medieval natural philosophers, the vessel from which, at the end of the opus alchymicum, the homunculus emerges… the spiritual, inner, and complete man.”
I have had breakfast with y’all…and it was just like Jung says…well almost, except for the emerging opus alchymicum. But then again , did you really want that kind of thing in Victoria on a friday morning before work?
Thanks Michael, and yes, the opus alchymicum on a Friday is just so wrong.
A basted egg is not an egg by any other name. My perspective is that if you order a soft basted egg that’s what you should get. If I go to the auto dealership and I order a Honda Accord I don’t expect them to ship in a Honda Civic, charge me the same, and expect I should settle for it.
Maybe you should switch to Corn Flakes.
There’s no art in flakes.
It may be true that there is no art in flakes but there are plenty of flakes in art…if you catch my drift.
What do you think the ‘secret ingredient’ will be after sending the eggs back 3 times?
I can only guess.
Just wanted to metion that basting eggs used to be a popular way of preparing them. I know they are mentioned both by Ricky Ricardo and Barney Fife and on some Britcoms we watch.
Should simply be a well crafted basted egg if the cook has any respect for his profession. Short order cooking is a craft and if the cook doesn’t have enough respect for the craft to be able to simply do a decent soft basted egg then he shouldn’t be cooking. And I can say that because I learned to cook basted eggs as a short order cook. It’s really not difficult