Being the Queen of the Procrasti-Nation (Get it? Ha, I slay me!), this morning I found myself with four articles to write and very little time to write them in.
“Enough is enough!” I said to myself, and I sat down at my desk, determined to get them done and out of my way so I could concentrate on my true passion: watching The Office reruns and drinking coffee.
Just as I’m getting settled and ready to write, what do I see? A spider, crawling around on the other side of my bedroom window curtain. Intruder!
“How could you see it if it’s on the other side of your curtain?” you ask. Let me tell you. The curtain is one of those thin cream polyester ones that are legally required to be installed in every apartment building, everywhere in the world. And a natural phenomenon was occurring just outside. Something rarely encountered on the West Coast during the winter — a giant glowing orange sphere hanging in the sky.
I wasn’t able to determine the globe’s intentions. It was moving too slowly to be a real threat. I’m sure I could have outrun it if need be. But then, it was strangely compelling and I felt this intense desire to gaze at it, which caused immediate distortion of vision. That can’t be good. Friend or foe, glowy orb? FRIEND OR FOE?!?
So this bright anomaly was shining through my cheap useless curtain, silhouetting my unwanted companion. It was big, too big for a spider. I’d say it was at least as big as my head. Okay, okay, just my palm. Still though, I’m pretty sure that’s not regulation size in this part of the world. Maybe the orange sphere is in cahoots with the bug, giving it special powers and causing it to swell? Gulp.
And this little devil was on the move.
Never fear. If there’s something being single for a million years has taught me, it’s how to catch spiders. I collected a jar with a wide mouth and a stiff piece of paper. Then I slowly peeled back the curtain…
Nothing there. Where did the little bugger go? I sat back down at my computer, but my concentration was shot. It must still be in my room. What if it got into my bed? It’s probably in there right now, laying babies all over my pillow … and now I’m itchy. Stupid bed bugs.
But wait! There it was. In the same spot on the curtain. Okay, fella, this time you’re mine.
Once again it cleverly evaded me. Boy, could that thing move fast. I wonder if humans had eight legs if we’d be able to move as fast as a spider? Would learning to walk be super easy? I bet we’d just trip a whole lot more. We’d be chased by our natural predators (spiders) and trip and fall and they would eat us and that would be the end of the human race.
I’m embarrassed to admit how long this game of hide and seek went on, with me getting more and more agitated and Mr. Spider maintaining his demeanor of calm between disappearing/reappearing acts.
Let’s just say it was later in the day — when the shiny orange ball had moved a little lower in the sky and I could actually see out of my bedroom window without being blinded — that all was revealed. A teeny tiny spider, no bigger than my pinkie fingernail, was chilling out in a wee little web he’d spun outside of the window. You know, where nature intended bugs to live. The shimmering orb of trickery had been projecting his shadow onto my curtain, enlarging it about 1000 percent.
Jury’s in. That glowy sphere is definitely a foe.
Postscript: In my extensive research for this article I came across at least one other writer who has been tormented by spiders when trying to work. See Jaywalking And Other Misdemeanours for further information. If you too have been victimized by spiders, the sun, or cheap ugly curtains, please know that you are not alone. Crazy, maybe. But not alone.
“Sun” Wikipedia. Creative Commons.