August 24, 2010
Ran out of excuses this morning. Ran several miles. Felt stronger in the broken places (Hemingway suggested that it might work that way). Ate some carbs and seeds. Drank tap water. Worked through an obstacle. Posting on Facebook is not writing. Exactly.
August 25, 2010
A friend at the gym said my recent Facebook posts have been “moody”. Moody Blues? I said. Noooooo… just the unhappy few weeks that have passed into memory…thankfully (even I was tired of my own creations) if you leave the door open just a little sometimes the healing begins that way. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes all it takes is the smile in the eyes of someone who cares about what you do, about how you are…
August 26, 2010
I fished the West Coast salmon fishery when I was young. The night brought drifting boats and yellow incandescent bulbs atop the mast. The yellow light cascaded in mist, steeples in the distance..a long way from anywhere is what I thought. “Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water…” Leonard Cohen said that this morning on my run down by the river. Churches of my own making. Refuge is where you find it.
August 27, 2010
Bed, couch, other bed, sweat, couch, bed, couch, email, sweat, couch, bed, couch email — une nuit blanc, sleepless night, lift now, run later. I figure if the high point of the day is going to be a nap then I may as well prepare for it.
Got a phone call from a friend this morning…early. Very early. She sounded sleepy. She told me that some things are not meant to be. We agreed that now that the last of the old was done we would begin. I fell back asleep — it felt like I was smiling. The wreckage of the past is quiet this morning.
August 28, 2010
No more secrets for me. No more phone calls drifting into an endless silence. No more relationships that can’t stand the light of day. No more afternoons. No more “What was I thinking?” or that other charmer “What the hell did I think was going to happen?” What’s done is done. Love and only love/can’t be denied…tonight I will sleep. Or maybe tomorrow…
August 28, 2010
Desire fights with truth like a lot…go ahead, ask anyone.
August 29, 2010
Sweet, melancholy. Sadness on a cloudy day, the end of things comes finally with love and tenderness…we may never again share the world as we have but share it we will. For the first time I get to say goodbye and fare thee well. “Love is all there is/makes the world go round.” I started on my way back to real life with her and she with me. Clean, sober, into the world at last: love is where you find it…I’m okay with that. Better than okay. Way better.
It seems that the more personal storms have passed for awhile. That the dreams of the sixties about how love and peace can win out despite all the evidence to contrary seem to be true from time to time. Dylan said it. The Beatles said it. Someone else said something about the “sun gonna shine on my back door someday.” Works for me. Peace, my brothers.
August 31, 2010
I never really knew what to make of “…she can dance a Cajun rhythm…” Saw it today in a dust swirl under the cloudless sky — dancing to a tune all our own, a moment in summer sun. I drifted off, felt the breeze freshening in the southeast, carryin’ salt water and hot days up from the Gulf, knew the wives were lookin’ south, makin’ dinner, waitin’ on the boats headin’ in; younguns gettin’ ready to roll, chopped and dropped, or two-wheel power glides, lookin’ for the mystery, the sweet/sad/ never come around again mystery blowin’ in from across the bay.
“a lost heart” brilho-de-conta @ Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.