How do you free yourself from the maze of self-sabotage?
Throughout my healing I’ve felt this deep darkness in my energy. It pushes me down, limits my dreams, and holds me back from reaching for bigger dreams. The shaman I am working with helped me feel my way deep into this energy in our last session – and there I found fear.
It wasn’t a regular everyday fear — the fear you get when the scary monster jumps out in the movie, or the house creaks in the dead of night. Those fears come and go. This fear is different. It lives long and flourishes within me. It permeates every aspect of my energetic being, influencing every moment of every day. It has been with me for so long that it feels like a natural part of me. And so it is.
It’s not a fear of the unknown. Rather, it’s a fear of the known — that no matter what I do, I will never be perfect, and I will ALWAYS be punished sooner or later. I’ve even created self-fulfilling prophecies to make sure that fear comes true.
All of my life I’ve reached for new goals, learned new things, adventured up the highest mountains and into the deepest oceans. With each new endeavor came success followed abruptly by a negative event – self-sabotage at its finest!
I continued to live my childhood pattern, the one in which I could never be perfect enough for my tormentors, and never be worthy before God. I prevented my faith in myself by continually demonstrating that I didn’t deserve that faith.
This week, I realized that those patterns were shaking my faith in me. After all, even though I now know the truth about my childhood, nothing says the pattern will change. I might still believe that if I step into the opportunities that are coming to me, and I’m anything but perfect – I will be punished. And I can’t be perfect because, well, I’m anything but perfect. The family members who abused me taught me that in my early childhood. Isn’t it safer and far less painful to stop trying, to settle for who and what I am, to hunker down, stop reaching for my dreams and simply be safe?
Now is not the time for fear in my life (as if there ever were a good time for fear). I’m in the midst of a career transition that is opening doors for me from all angles. More opportunity is coming into my life than ever before. Yet I’m blocking my forward progress, holding myself back, because I don’t have the faith in myself or faith that life can be sweet from now on. Deep down, I believe I don’t deserve it, and that God will never give that life to me.
Now, more than ever, I know it is time to release those oh-so-old and oh-so-wrong energetic beliefs. So I am doing just that: searching for the path to fuel my faith and move forward in my life, beyond the slightest doubt.