Today let’s talk about detachment.
Has it ever felt like you were getting sucked into the drama of someone else’s world?
As I experienced that, sometimes I had to step away – detach myself – from certain people. It didn’t feel natural, because I was going against my innate compassion, but in getting wrapped up in the chaos of another person’s life, I wasn’t doing myself any good. I had a good friend who I called an emotional train wreck waiting to happen daily. I finally decided I had to get away from the insanity of his world, to maintain sanity in my world. I wasn’t doing anything useful supporting him as long as he continued the same behaviors. So I had to emotionally step back – detach – to take care of myself. It was hard to do, but detaching gave me a new peace in my world.
Have you ever struggled to detach from the drama someone else creates?
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Dan L. Hays offers encouragement for adult children of alcoholics.
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It felt unnatural because it is unnatural. It is not self preservation. It simply brings up painful emotions in us that we don’t want to deal with so we push otehr people away. Detaching is not pushing people away or walking away as many therapists and 12 step groups decided. Detaching simply means realising that other people’s feelings are THEIR, not yours.
So, here is a friend with big emotions doing things you consider stupid (again, let’s be honest). You feel uncomfortable so you decided it must have been your friend’s fault. But it is not. The problem is that her/his feelings became YOUR feelings, her/his drama and problems became YOUR drama. Not because she was telling you about them, but because you as a child was never allowed expressing your emotions fully and your parents could not tolerate being near your big emotions. So you learned that big emotions were dangerous. As an ACOA you are more sensitive to any kind of stress because your limbic system is still on high alert. So here comes a person with big emotions and all in you starts screaming “danger! danger!” It is ptsd, same thing as a car firing up and a vet dropping to the ground because he hears a gunshot. Following your logic thatvet has to get away from cars. But that is avoiding the problem, not fixing it.
Now, I am not saying you MUST be around people with big emotions. If you know you can’t tolerate them yet then well walk away. But be honest. Don’t call it detachment and tough love and best idea ever or healthy. It is not healthy at all.
People don’t need your advice. Even when they ask it, they don’t really need it. They don’t need you to fix them. They simply want to be … listened to. And it is very healthy to talk through our problems.
Here is a story for you. One woman became a grandmother and her daughter took her with her to a parenting class. At that parenting class they teach listening to children (check out Hand in hand parenting and no, they didn’t pay me) – basically what do you do if your toddler has a tantrum? You listen, you stay close, you stay calm and loving, you breathe, you allow their emotions.
Whatnobody knew is that for the last 5 years this woman’s husband would come home from work and start yelling at her. Of course she thought she needed to ‘stand up” for herself so she yelled back. It turned into a huge deal.
That evening after class she came home and sure thing her husband came from work and started to yell as usual, only this time she though “Oh isn’t it what we were just talking about?” so she sat on the couch and she REALLY listened to him, calm, loving, not taking his emotions as a personal attack. Same thing happned next day and the day after that and the day after that. And the day after her husband came from work, sat down on the couch next to her and calmly told her about his work. He never yelled again.
Detaching and running and tough love is what humans did because some uneducated therapists got the idea it was the “only way”. But it is not. We are all in this together and we gotta learn to be togetehr with people we love.
Terez – thanks for stopping by to comment. Sounds like you really get this post! I have had long term friendships like that which I had to let go of, for similar reasons to your high school friend. Even worse when they ask for counsel, and then do the unhealthy thing anyway.
And yes, it can be very painful to make that kind of break. I’ve got another post coming soon called “Tough Love” about that very thing – and how though necessary, it can be very tough on the one setting the boundary and saying “that’s not OK anymore.”
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🙂
Dan
Dan, I couldn’t agree more!
Detaching yourself from someone in your life who constantly wants to draw you into their turmoil and drama is just self-preservation. Still, it can be very painful, especially if you were close with this person.
A few years ago, I had to make the agonizing decision to sever all ties with a friend I had known since high school. This person reveled in being involved in unhealthy romantic relationships which always ended badly for her. Despite my support and advice ( which she always requested) for her to take stock of her life and make better choices, she refused.
Instead, she continued to make the same choices, and preferred to play the victim for sympathy. I had to end our friendship to preserve my peace and sanity. It was difficult though necessary.