“And his penis doesn’t even make the grade,” Bria exclaimed. “I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.” She smoothed her skirt down with trembling hands and didn’t look up at the group.
Ellen sighed and spread her fingers in a gesture indicating that she didn’t know either. When had Book Club turned into Divorce Club, she wondered. Bria and Ellen had been the last two hold-outs on the divorce front, but now Bria’s daughter was embroiled with an ex and that meant Bria was as well.
“When my Fred was still alive, may he rest in peace, we didn’t worry about penises. In the fifty five years we were together I don’t think I even said the word penis around him.” The group watched Bria fuss with her skirt and then pick the book up off her lap and flip unseeing through its pages. “Apparently he’s awful in bed.” She didn’t raise her head to look anyone in the face. “Avery told me that he hasn’t even progressed past the abilities of a teenager. Imagine, a grown man still fumbling around like that.”
“I blame it all on porn,” Matthew said. “That’s how kids get their sex education these days. Hours and hours of porn. No room for imagination or growth when your brain’s been cross wired like that.”
“Matthew’s right. Have you ever watched that crap? It isn’t normal. It’s all about getting the right camera shots and making the actors do the stupidest things,” Deborah exclaimed. “The men look angry all the time and the women can’t even pretend to look as if they are enjoying it. Not that any normal woman would want to be choked or spat on. How is that even considered sexy?”
Now this was news. Not about the camera angles and the spit, but the fact that Deborah had watched porn—even once. If anyone would have asked Ellen to bet between the chances of a mallard duck being elected to the presidency or Deborah having ever watched porn she would have picked the duck. Deborah with her pill box hats, her fuzzy, pink sweater sets and the shock on her face whenever anyone even mentioned the word sex was the last human on the planet she would have pegged to admitting watching porn.
“Well I had to, didn’t I?” she said to a suddenly silent room. “How would I be able to argue against something if I’d never even looked at a DVD cover of it?” Her face changed from pink to deep crimson.
“Tell your Avery that her old sex life falls into the TMI category,” Bethany said, she looked around the group. “You know, TMI—Too Much Information. Now how does she ever expect you to deal with your ex son-in-law when all you’ll be able to think about is that he has a small dick and he’s terrible in bed? You don’t need to know all the gruesome details.”
Bria grinned. “TMI, I like it.”
“My ex was great in bed, that’s the only reason I stayed with him as long as I did.”
“My ex wants custody of my dog? That asshole will do anything to be a jerk.”
“Talk about too much information, my ex is writing a book about our marriage. I didn’t even know she could spell.”
“The new wife asked me for my mother’s china, she said that James got it in the settlement. I chased her out of my house with a broom.”
Ellen sighed again and picked up a spoon and tapped the side of her teacup. “Ladies—gentlemen, can we please bring this meeting back to what we came here to discuss—our latest book.” She really was going to have to put her foot down. These never ending discussions about divorce were beginning to creep into her life as well. Poor Albert would have a heart attack if he knew that she’d contemplated it, even for a second. She would never understand this obsession. It was as if the universe was pushing everyone toward the brink.
The sound of pages being flipped open and people getting comfortable for the coming discussion were the only sounds for the next few seconds. Ellen held up the blue covered book, Wife In Law was printed across the top. “We left off where Betsy just found out that Greg was having an affair with his secretary and they were headed for divorce court…”
Sins Of Flesh – From Orrie Hitt Orrie Hitt : The Shabby Shakespeare of Vintage Sleazecore