Do you ever give too much out of a sense of obligation or guilt? Last year a former colleague of mine asked me for help out of the blue. The non-profit organization we helped start a decade earlier had slowly crumbled over the years, unable to keep going due to a lack of funding and consistent leadership. She decided that she needed to step in and direct the final close-out efforts, which was totally fine and good of her to do. I knew though, from our days of working together, that she had a tendency to overdo it and sometimes expected others to do the same.
When she came to me for help, I declined – several times. In large part it was because I was in the middle of leading a major project for my Zen centre’s community board, but it was also because I felt I had given enough to that organization. As I noticed some guilt arising after saying no the first time, I sat quietly and realized something fairly quickly. If I chose to help out, it would only be to release that guilt and ‘look good’ in the eyes of my former colleagues. It would have nothing to do with genuinely wanting to offer my energy to the work at hand.
In these kinds of situations it’s become important for me to ask “What’s motivating this desire to do something?” Often, I will pause and even meditate on the question until I gain some insight. If it seems to me that the motivation is guilt, looking good or some other form of people-pleasing, then I do my best to say no. It isn’t always easy, but has become easier over time.
How about you? How do you handle situations like this?
Photo Credits
Photo from biblemoneymatters.com
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