As a young girl, I was afraid of so many things – people, situations, all the ‘what ifs’ of life. When I was 17, my sister and I went to the gym together – it was great. That was, until she became pregnant and eventually chose different ways to stay active. I remember walking to the gym for the first time on my own and seeing all the cars in the parking lot. That was all it took for my mind to run the scenario of opening the door and walking in by myself, believing everyone would turn and look at me. I couldn’t do it. I tried several times, but I just couldn’t overcome the fear of that moment – I always turned around and went home. That’s one of countless examples of how fear controlled my life.
A co-worker recently said to me that he wants to do so many things, but although he keeps talking about his desire to do them, he never does. I asked him why he thought that was, and he mentioned that maybe it was a lack of confidence. He felt that if he was confident, he would surely make these things happen. He asked if I was like that and I admitted that at one point in my life I was, but things have changed. Life has a wonderful way of doing that.
I could write a novel about what my co-worker and I talked about that day – the fear, the lack of confidence, the shyness – whatever label we want to put on it. I had a deep relationship with fear, but as with all relationships, it changed over time. There’s something about getting older, going through a few bumps in the road and becoming significantly changed from those experiences. They’re the kind of changes that don’t happen from reading self-help books or because we try every day to do better in a particular area of our lives. They’re core changes – you can feel them deep in your soul. And from this new place, you start to live life so very differently. It’s quite amazing at first, it’s like a new person has replaced the old. You do things you never would’ve dreamed of doing before, like flying to New York for 7 days – alone – successfully navigating the airport, the subway, the streets of Manhattan. True story. And for me, it was the beginning of my realization that fear no longer prevents me from doing things, it’s the reason I do them. Life is way too short.
None of my life lessons have been subtle, and while I’ve often wished that I didn’t have to go through some of them, I eventually realize their value. The lessons were in those specific circumstances – anything less, and they wouldn’t have gotten my attention. I’m beginning to see that the so-called negative events of my life have actually been wonderful catalysts to a better version of me. Most certainly, a less fearful me.
I still deal with fear today, but it seems to propel me now instead of hold me back. It seems to give me strength, always there to remind me to ‘get living’. There’s also the wonderful perspective gained from getting older – the memory of missed opportunities and the unwillingness to miss out on any more. I think my co-worker is right, especially for me at this stage of the game – it does have something to do with confidence. I believe in myself now, something that I never had before. Somehow, over time, that change has taken place. And speaking of time, my thoughts on the subject have changed drastically. I’ve done away with my adolescent belief that I have countless years ahead of me. I had no choice but to shake hands with fear and develop some sort of working relationship. I have much to do, and no guarantee of time in which to do it.
While wisdom is not synonymous with age, it certainly offers us the opportunity to learn from our experiences and our time spent on this planet. It has me asking the all-important question…”if not now, when?”
Photo Credit
Photo from violetblues.com
Recent Carol Good Articles:
- Through a Grown Child's Eyes
- If Not Now, When?
- I Want to Fall in Love Again
- Keep the Line Moving
- What I'm Trying to Say
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