How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye? To move on? To go separate ways? There comes a point for many people, whether it’s with the true love of your life, the gang at church, your oldest friend, or a group you used to hang with, when something is just not the way it was. So what to do? And when to do it?
Some times people leave early on. When it looks like it’s going to be some trouble, some work, to continue. When the honeymoon phase is over, and you begin to see all the warts and wrinkles, and they become irritating. There’s a problem with this method, though. It can end up in an unending cycle of hello-goodbye, because everyone, every group, has its imperfections. So the early leaver can end up playing the opening bars of the dance with a different set of partners every night, unable to make the connection of cause and effect. Yet they usually don’t really say goodbye, because they pick up the next dancer too quickly as a way to avoid dealing with the pain of the last. It is an attractive trap in some ways, because it leaves the dancer free to roam, free not to commit, free to be alone at the end of the evening.
So what’s the answer? Step out later in the dance – somewhere closer to the middle, leave when the passion fires are at a peak? When the action has hit the trumpet blast of creative intimacy, closeness, congruence, or however it may be defined? The last memory will be of a dynamo experience, certainly. But when are you sure that it was absolutely the top? What if this really wasn’t the peak of it, if there was just beyond view one even more substantial interaction which could have led to an even higher plateau? My God, what regrets that could bring. No, there’s real resistance to leaving when things are in full bloom.
So what if we can feel definitely that things have hit the pinnacle because events are certainly on the downside, the slide has begun toward the end of the dance? Isn’t there something in us that beckons “we can get it back, it can be that way again, like it once was?” Maybe it can, and the temptation is strong – it must be, for many try. But if we play the percentages, how realistic is it to expect successful rekindling? How many times has anyone seen it, or experienced it? Does it really work that often?
After all, what would cause it to wane? Something went wrong somewhere. It would be very unusual if whatever went wrong didn’t leave hurts, scars, wounds – to one side or the other – usually to both. So at least one side is going to be leery of moving close again. They might want to, even be compelled to, yet sometimes the hurts are so deep that you can’t forget, can’t go back, can’t recapture the spark as much as you might want to because you keep looking over your shoulder for the boom to lower, and you have to finally admit, when all attempts have failed, that there is nothing for it but to let go and cut the cord.
Yet sometimes we wait and resist even then – we continue to dance after the partner has left and the lights are out. Then when we happen to meet them, the other party has the slight cloud over their eyes – the distant look as if they are emotionally standing far across the room – when they give us the “Oh, hello,” that sounds like what you would say to a Sunday School teacher you had just met. The time when head, heart and gut begin to correlate that it is really, truly and definitely over – the energy that once passed between the two of you has closed off, shut down, and is gone.
At that point, hanging on is holding fantasies. If you are still in that relationship, you are the only one who is. The other has moved on, no forwarding address. The conclusive evidence comes if you tell them the most all consuming, deeply significant item of your life today, and they act politely but mildly interested, say “Oh, how nice,” and turn to other matters. Then it sinks in you really have hung on too long.
So we try different styles, methods, patterns of leaving – or not leaving – experimenting with different times of quitting the dance. We begin to learn that love hurts less the one who cares less. We grow cautious and learn – or we repeat patterns. We hold on or we let go. Yet if we grow there still comes that inevitable moment – it might happen – when we know, we just know, it’s over. And then we look once more at them, with that quiet calm of acceptance, mentally wish them well, and say –
Goodbye.
Photo Credits:
“Couple holding hands while walking on the beach” Microsoft Office Clipart Collection
“Walk Away” by Rocpoc @ flickr.com Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Previously published in Thoughts Along the Road to Healing
Just wanted to say it was a reality check article. Face the truth and communication is the key. I to have hung on to relationships for the sole feeling of not letting go of the securitey blanket…… Its was the security that I could not let go of……….. And with that others and myself are left crippled in the long haul. Your article gave me a realtiy check, It will never turn to a positive direction if I dont let go of the innocent item that fills my comfort……….
Good Article and I will look forward to reading more….
Greg,
Thanks so much for stopping by to comment. I had to laugh when I read your thought that I had “been there – done that.” Oh yes, this article was written after a number of breakup/get together cycles with a particular woman. It was an inordinate number of back and forths, just like you’re describing. We’d end up getting back together when she’d call and ask “do you remember where we stored the cat carrier?” or something as simple as that.
I know all too well where you’re coming from on the betrayal. I told someone the other day, “I’m essentially monogamous, but I have had a way of picking women who were polygamous, and I didn’t know it at the time.” I agree – listen to that warning voice. One of her best friends had told me about another guy, but I disregarded my gut, to my detriment.
Well put Greg – “some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go.” That’s what I got from that relationship.
I’m glad this post gave you such a rich experience. I think this kind of article is most appreciated by us who have been through that. I suspect this piece will resonate: http://lifeasahuman.com/2012/relationships/the-final-scene/
Hi Dan.
What an insightful article! You speak as if you are one who has “been there – done that”!
I am going through the exact same right now. A 2 year relationship that developed warts and wrinkles from week three! We split up on 7 different occasions and I was the one who kept on doing the dance of forgiveness and return.
Finally it ended a week ago with the ultimate betrayal of cheating and dishonesty by her.
An invaluable learning experience and my only advice to anyone else in the same situation: trust your instincts and listen to that warning voice inside.
Being the forgiving one in a relationship when you are not in the wrong is belittling and is definitely not worth the stress and emotional angst.
When your partner says “perhaps we are incompatible” – BELIEVE IT!
I seriously believe that some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go.
Learn the lesson well – forgive yourself (and your ex) and MOVE ON!
The right one is out there…..