I really liked this post by Natalie over at Baggage Reclaim about dealing with people who disappear from your life, and then reappear suddenly wanting something. This issue goes far beyond romantic relationships, and definitely taps into any unresolved guilt or people pleasing tendencies you might have.
Awhile back, I had a former colleague asking out of the blue for help ending a project I had already given several years to. The organization she and I and others had started had slowly gone into the ground, and she decided that she needed to step in and direct the final close out efforts. Which was totally fine and good of her to do. However, when she came to me asking for my help, I declined. Multiple times. In large part because I was in the middle of leading a major project for my Zen center community’s board, but also because I felt like I had given enough to the other organization. As I noticed a bit of guilt arising over saying no the first time, I realized that if I chose to help out it would only be to release that guilt and “look good” in the eyes of my former colleagues. It had nothing to do with genuinely wanting to offer my energy to the work at hand.
For me, in these kinds of situations, it’s become important to ask “What’s motivating this desire to do something?” And if it seems to me that the motivation is guilt or “looking good” or some other form of people pleasing, then I do my best to say no. Which isn’t always easy, but has become easier over time.
Photo Credit:
It’s not that hard to say no via Flickr Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
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