Sometime last fall, I learned that I scare people — not in a spooky-Halloween way, but in an intimidating and threatening way.
While my husband has long accused me of looking angry while I am writing or of typing angry (I prefer typing with confidence), I waved it off. When he told me that some of his acquaintances were afraid to approach me, I presumed it was an issue on their end, not mine.
I started to get concerned when other kids’ parents smiled at my husband but not me — “because you scare them,” he said. I couldn’t see how.
What finally caused it to sink in was when a coworker told me that some of the other staff were scared to work with me.
I laughed it off publicly — even taking a set of scary selfie photos wearing devil horns — but inwardly I was concerned. I wondered what impact it might have, or might have already had, on my career path. I wondered if it was something I could change, or if it needed to be changed. I even wondered whether I was seen as particularly scary because of my gender.
There is a lot of research to support the theory that because I am outspoken, confident, not afraid to question authority, and also female, I may seem more intimidating — to both genders. However, I think this may only speak to a few people who find me scary and I think there is a bigger picture.
To find that bigger picture, I had to take a critical look at which aspects of my personality or which actions I take were making me scary in others’ eyes.
When I am concentrating, my face falls into something of a scowl or frown; I know this makes me appear unapproachable. On the bus, it’s actually an advantage. Last year a tongue-in-cheek PSA on Funny or Die addressed the issue of “bitchy resting face” and after the clip got two million hits, psychologists and plastic surgeons started to weigh in on the validity of women who seem to look angry, upset, or sad most of the time. Aside from the suggested solution of having “expression surgery” to literally turn my frown upside down, the only other option is to train myself to smile more.
Being outspoken, confident and able to question authority are traits I have built up over the years. I rarely withhold my opinion; I do not offer my thoughts with disrespect but I do expect to be heard. I will also seek answers by asking questions — even when others don’t want to rock the boat. I understand how these can seem intimidating, but I refuse to abandon or change this part of my personality.
There are, however, a few things I can change.
One of my friends confessed that the scariest aspect about me is that I do not suffer fools gladly, and tend toward intellectual snobbery and elitism. I can be judgmental and I have a bad habit of using words as weapons. These are all attitudes I never considered to be intimidating or scary, but I accept that they are. I can and should adjust them as they don’t serve me particularly well in most arenas. While I would never hide or downplay intelligence — nothing annoys me more than playing dumb — I can learn to show more patience and to hold my tongue.
I don’t know if any of these shifts will help the perception that I am scary. It may just take time and with some people I may have missed the boat; one doesn’t usually get a second chance to make a first impression.
Photo Credits
“Making Faces” by Cheryl DeWolfe
“Scared” by Capture Queen TM
Recent Cheryl DeWolfe Articles:
- Reading as Reset
- Other Children's Parents
- Do I Scare You?
- Confessions of a Former Grammar Queen
- Is Oversharing Really So Awful?
Wow! When I was reading this I almost thought that I had written that article for a second there.
I also do not suffer fools gladly, and have no problems asking questions and voicing opinions. In a man those traits would not be an issue, in fact people would use words such as straight shooter, up and up, honest and forthright. For some reason being a woman the labels we get are angry, bitchy, ball breaker, when that can’t be farther from the truth. I just finished reading a book called Women Don’t Ask, by Sara Lashever and Linda Babcock…it sure cleared a lot of things up.
Glad to see there are others out there like me. Thanks for sharing.
Oh, yes, the language used to describe the same traits is definitely gendered! I will have a look for Women Don’t Ask; sounds like a good read 🙂
Wow – so much I can relate to. There is actually a bit of a campus myth about me making a customer cry one day in the computer store – I don’t remember it but my coworkers do. But perhaps they are just pulling my leg. I hope that I am mellowing with age and certainly being here in Sweden in a master’s class that is mostly smart young people of an age to be my children has helped. They remind me that it is much more rewarding to work collaboratively and help everyone succeed than be right all the time (one of my major failings – the overwhelming urge to be right). Thanks for this piece Cheryl and happy new year to you and Shawn.
Thanks, Susan! I don’t think even in my days of customer service I made anyone cry but I know I sent people away disappointed when I wouldn’t automatically cave in to their demands.
Cheryl: The title of the post really caught me. I hear these same things about myself. I’m intense. And, I do think that part of the assessment is gendered. Thanks for sharing this. And, oh, the Devilish Selfie had me laughing.
Best,
Janni
Intense is a good word, too, Janni. I think part of that is in being passionate about what one does. Maybe that is why I am scarier at work — “I scare because I care,” to paraphrase Monsters Inc.
–Cheryl
Half the time I wonder if you do like me, or tolerate me simply for the sake of Shawn and Mike.
Well, you may not be alone in that assessment. I was raised by one misanthrope and one schmoozer, so I’m a little clumsy in social situations. 😉