I recently learned something about myself that took me by surprise. I found out that I am an introvert!
I had always been under the impression that introverts were shy, antisocial people with poor social skills. That description does not match my personality at all. I just enjoy being alone.
Shy people suffer from social anxiety. Inhibited by fear and apprehensiveness they will avoid social situations whenever possible. That was never the case with me. In my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood I was a social person, though I always preferred the company of a few over a group.
Carl Jung, one of the founders of modern psychology, introduced the word “introvert” to our language. He described introversion as a preference for one’s internal world of thoughts, feelings, fantasies, and dreams. That describes the particularities of my personality perfectly.
I know many people, have a wide circle of acquaintances, and by all appearances excel in social situations. But being around a lot of people, even when I am having a good time, emotionally exhausts me. I look forward to going home and back to my solitude where I can recharge my energy bank. That is typical of introverts; by nature they are energized when alone and emotionally drained when around other people.
Introverts prefer environments that are not over stimulating. They dislike crowded places and noise. That does not mean that they sequester themselves from society. They are perfectly able to function well in social situations as long as they can find restorative alone time afterwards.
Even though I have always been perfectly content alone I sometimes wondered if something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I maintain an active social life like other people I knew could? But even as I questioned my behavior, I could not force myself to be a social butterfly. It is just not a comfortable existence for me.
Surface friendships are challenging for me to maintain. They take too much from my energy reserve. I am happy having my family and a few close friends in my life—people with whom I have deep relationships, people who know me, love me, and accept me for who I am.
There seems to be a negative connotation associated with introversion but there should not be—it is certainly not an undesirable trait and definitely not a disorder. In fact it has been estimated that thirty to fifty percent of the population have this temperament. That statistic increases to sixty percent with those who are especially endowed with great talent or aptitude. Mark Zuckerberg, Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Dr. Seuss, and Eleanor Roosevelt are some well known examples of brilliant introverts.
Introverts are highly attuned to their thoughts, perceptions, and feelings. They are deep thinkers who enjoy reading, learning, and quiet contemplation.
With my self-reflective nature I require a great deal of alone time. When people are in my space too long I feel deprived of the quiet introspection that keeps me emotionally balanced.
Now that my children are grown and my house is quiet I spend my weekdays alone at home doing what I love—writing and crafting jewelry. Introverts focus best in tranquil environments. I work in complete silence—no television, no music playing. When concentrating on something, reading, or working on a project, I do not like to be interrupted. Being disturbed while in my “zone” unnerves me.
We often work from home or prefer to, but we are also great team players and leaders when out in the work force. Introverts have a way of guiding others with their soft-spoken but self-assured approach. When they speak, their words are thoughtful and meaningful.
Many introverts are creative people—writers or artists just as I am. It is much easier for me to share myself and inspire others through writings and artistic expression than it is through personal contact. But as a published author with the mission of helping others I have learned to push past that discomfort. I must be in the public eye to reach people and pass on my messages.
Introverts do not typically enjoy being the center of attention, though that preference does not necessarily keep them reclusive. Many famous, high profile people have this personality type. Actresses such as Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep, actors such as Tom Hanks and Steve Martin, and show hosts such as Diane Sawyer and David Letterman have very visible careers that require a great deal of social interaction. Johnny Carson’s professional life was entirely in the limelight yet he was notoriously introverted.
Introverts are largely intolerant of small talk and superficial conversation. They enjoy conversations that are reflective and analytical. Those who talk loud or talk too much but have little to say agitate us. When I am exposed to someone like that I need to balance out the noisy mindless chatter with quiet solitude to regain my inner composure. When the topic of conversation really matters to me I am a supportive, tireless listener.
I find it necessary at least once a week to get out of my own head and connect with others in a meaningful way, preferably one on one. I fulfill that need through the volunteering I do for hospice, whether visiting and keeping someone company or sitting vigil by the bedside of someone whose death is imminent. It is a privilege and honor to be in the presence of those who are making the most profound transition of their lives.
For many years my life was chaotic. Now I have great appreciation of the simplicity and serenity of life. I am never lonely and I am never bored. Life and faith give me much to contemplate.
The ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said it best …
“Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing oneself is enlightenment.”
Photo Credits
Alone in a crowd – by f_lynx – foter.com
Fred thinking – by Alyssa L. Miller @ flickr.com
How to care for introverts – by JoeInSouthernCA @ flickr.com
Robin Levin says
I can relate to your story, Cheryl. I also left a bad marriage after fifteen years and am a person who enjoys solitude. Stand your ground.
My father was also an introvert. Unlike me he was a difficult person and probably had Aspergers syndrome. It was not easy to connect with him emotionally. One day I mentioned to him that I thought that people were sort of like antibodies in the blood stream. Some are avid to attach to their antigens while others are weak and don’t attach so strongly. He instantly picked up on the analogy, saying “We understand each other.”
Randi says
I love your analogy Robin. Isn’t it nice to know that there is nothing wrong with enjoying solitude. I appreciate your comment♥
Cheryl says
Sometimes extroverts are embarassing to be with. I went to lunch with a co-worker. Her little problem was just raging that day and it made me withdraw even more because I was so embarassed by her behavior. She had invited 2 new employees and the project change manager and then she totally monopolized the entire lunch time since we all rode with her in her car. At one point she turned to me and asked why I was so quiet and if something was wrong. I said everything was fine and I to draw one of the others into conversation but she cut me off and exploded again. Well, I tried. I think they saw what was going on too. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to be the center of attention. At one point she said she was doing all the talking, took a breath and kept on talking. That was the longest lunch ever! Awkward.
Cheryl says
Robin,
I wish I could have had the same conversation with my dad. As I grow older I feel myself becoming more like him and it is not a bad thing. I feel obligated to myself to work on not using as much ‘people repellant’ as my dad sometimes did, however.
He was sensitive to being thought of as an odd person but on all accounts he would be considered an introvert. I once asked my mother if he had any friends and she could only name the man who had been the best man at their wedding. The man had never visited our home and I wasn’t aware of my dad visiting Warren either. I had never even met him and my parents were married over 50 years when my dad passed away.
My dad didn’t speak often in a group of people but when he did his statement was profound and full of wisdom. He had a unique sense of humor too. I’m sure he would have agreed with your point because I recall him once arguing with my mother about whether people really care when they ask ‘how are you today?’ He said they do not and agued that it was idle chit chat. I think there is some truth to his argument and it is more of a social norm to ask as most of the time when I ask someone they simply do not respond to me.
Robin Levin says
Cheryl,
I could have counted my father’s social contacts over the years on the fingers of one hand with a couple of digits left over. He tended to be critical and difficult to get along with. Eventually I figured out that that was just the way he was wired and I let go of my resentment. We got along better after that although our relationship was always a little strained. I have never been anything but an introvert but I get along ok with most people and have more friends than he did. Everyone is different and I just try to accept people for the way they are. If someone annoys me I just try to avoid them as much as possible. Homo Sapiens is a profoundly flawed species and you just have to make your peace with the flaws.
Cheryl says
My son chastised me this week for ‘staying home too much.’ After the phone call his girlfriend sent an email saying that I don’t leave my home unless I have too. Somehow they made me feel guilty of criminal behavior. My son even said that my habits would “be the death of me” before I ended the phone call saying ‘then just let me die if that’s how you feel.
I really enjoy my solitude. I will not apologize to my family for being myself. I’m sorry visiting them for more than a few hours is too noisy for my comfort zone but it is my time now. My divorce will be final November 30 and I endured a horrible marriage to an extremely critical man who broke my spirit. I’m 53 and I am going to stand up for my beliefs and not allow myself to be bullied by anyone again.
Randi says
It is totally understandable that you want to be in your own space Cheryl. After all you have been through it is nice to know that you have a safe haven. You are right–it is time for you to live life on your terms. Email these articles to your son and tell him that introversion is quite common, it is not criminal, and that you are in the company of geniuses! Thanks for your comment♥
Lorne Daniel says
Well said, Randi. To me, the key point is your one about energy levels – many of us introverts can really enjoy social interactions but we expend energy doing so. We recharge those energies in quiet, reflective time alone.
Randi says
Exactly Lorne.
Dan L. Hays says
It took me a long time to figure out the energy expenditure, Lorne. I used to call myself a “gregarious loner.” I’d have social interactions come up, and then need to go be quiet and recharge my batteries.
This is a fascinating discussion! Thanks for highlighting the issues around being introverted, Randi! 🙂
Randi says
You’re probably right about it being in the genes Robin. Our society needs us–it could not function without introverts like you and I quietly working our magic. We are the undercurrent that moves things along.
Robin Levin says
This post describes me to a t. It’s all in the wiring, probably in the genes. I think that extroverts may have more fun, but there are definite advantages to not being dependent on others for your entertainment and self worth.
Shannon Grissom says
Oh this is so me. Thank you for your eloquent post and for raising awareness about introverts.
Randi says
I like the word “awareness” Shannon. Maybe we should all band together and start an introvert awareness movement! That would certainly help others understand us.
Deanna Lynn Sletten says
What a wonderful article! I love spending hours alone each day without noise disrupting me as I write. People that I know just don’t understand this. They believe there is something wrong with a person who doesn’t want to go to an office every day and socialize. When I did work outside the home, I worked in bookkeeping and accounting so I could work quietly in an office all by myself. I am not antisocial, I just don’t seek out large groups of people for chit-chat. My children are the same as I am. They do well in social situations but also enjoy long periods of quiet. Unfortunately, our school system today doesn’t allow for that type of child. If your child is quiet and introspective, they think he needs to be more social and noisy. We had teachers constantly telling us our children were quiet in class. Uhh, gee, you think that’s a problem? Even though they did participate in classroom discussions, answered when spoken to and had friends, the teachers thought it was weird that our kids didn’t disrupt the class or talk out of turn. There is a belief in our society that being an introvert is bad. They were always trying to make our children feel bad about being quiet. So frustrating.
I do believe that without silence, you cannot create. Both of my children are creative in their own ways and socially adept. I just wish the world would accept everyone for their differences instead of trying to make us all the same. Thanks for the great article. 🙂
Randi says
I totally get what you are saying Deanna. When I was in school I always got comments on my report cards that said, “Randi needs to participate more in class.” My adult daughter has always been the same way. I think my husband is too. Our society would function so much better if our schools taught to the individual rather than the group. Everyone learns differently. Thanks for your comment.
Dan L. Hays says
I’m with Ross – I thought it was just me that “superficial party talk” bored the life out of me. I remember being at a party and ended up having a great conversation with the bartender – a very interesting person with a real story to share – as all my friends chatted about who knows what.
And the emotional exhaustion of those social situations – well described, Randi! I used to call myself an introverted extrovert – I could do some of the social things, but then needed time to go home and recharge my internal batteries!
Great article, Randi!
Randi says
Thanks Dan. Isn’t it nice to know that we are perfectly normal. In social situations I sometimes end up talking to the dog or cat…if they have one!! People are wonderful but they can certainly be exhausting sometimes.
Ross Lonergan says
Wow, you have described me almost to a tee. I always thought my need to be alone and the nearly unbearble feeling of boredom in social situations where I found the conversation superficial were signs that there was something essentially antisocial in my nature. It is great to see that someone, who clearly knows (and, by the way, is able to beautifully articulate) what this is all about, i.e. a healthy introversion, can affirm that this “condition” is, in effect, natural. Thank you!
Randi says
So happy to hear that my article cleared up some doubts about the nature of your personality Ross. I feel so much better now that I understand why I am the way I am. Knowledge is empowering!