Some people daydream about having a traditional mate — a real woman or a real man. But in today’s economic and socio-political climate, be careful what you wish for.
A female friend of mine just wrote to me about an article she read on a blog about stay-at-home fathers. Basically, she pointed out how even the very concept upsets or confuses a lot of people, but that stay-at-home fathers are becoming more common.
A fair number of folks, for various reasons, still want to maintain or go along with more traditional gender roles in relationships. Some are doing so because that’s what they were raised to expect. Others aren’t interested in challenging social norms. Still others are understandably confused enough about modern dating to start thinking critically about how they want to function within a relationship.
And yet, for those traditional roles, the general societal conditions are less supportive today than even a generation ago. A greater percentage of women are in the workplace, so, economically, it’s much more likely for couples to have shared responsibility for finances. More women want — and even expect — to be treated as equals in a relationship. However, some of the same women still want men to play the traditional male roles of “head of the house,” main financial provider, fixer, protector, and “tough guy” who has the answers.
So, things are kind of muddled.
Personally, I think it’s a bit foolish for men to identify too strongly with a notion of being the leader and provider in a relationship, not only because of those changing societal roles, but because of the greater economic instability, which is leading to things like job loss or downsized employment, and/or for those who are parents, more of a likelihood that they might have to step into a different role – like being the main child caregiver.
In the short run, it might not matter at all. You can date while playing those old roles all you want, but once you start sharing finances, or raising children (if you have children), dealing with job losses, etc. – those old roles start to feel stilted.
I have seen a hell of a lot of men in their 40s and 50s suffer greatly because they held on to the traditional ways of being “the man in the relationship,” only to find that when they get laid off and lose the “provider” role, they’re thrust into more of an active parenting role than they ever contemplated, and/or their partner decides she wants a man who is more of a sharer, listener, etc. and leaves the relationship.
When I hear both men and women saying things like “I want a traditional man” or “I want a traditional woman” I think, “Really? What does that mean exactly? And how about 10 years from now, when your economic circumstances have changed, or you’ve grown sick of the husband who never listens to you, or the wife who doesn’t think for herself?
Photo Credit
Magazine illustration, 1954 (colour litho) by English School, The Bridgeman Art Library
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Currently, I think traditional gender roles here in the United States of America have gone the way of traditional genders in general… AKA Gone never to return.
Julie,
“Are you suggesting that men from two generations ago didn’t listen to their wives and their wives didn’t think for themselves?” I wouldn’t say 100% in either direction on that question, but really, do you believe that the majority of men – who were told by other men and their entire society over and over again that they were the leaders, that their views were most important, etc – do you really believe that they listened well to their wives, and actually shared the decision making?
I’d also like to think that women have always thought for themselves, but I can look to my own family and see examples on both sides of the equation. A grandmother who is highly independent and, in fact, was the family leader on many issues. Her mother was similar. And another grandmother who has no opinion on much of anything, and always defers to the men in the family. And her mother wasn’t much better.
Hi Nathan, Thanks for sharing the interesting anecdotes. In my family, I can only use my grandmother as example. She was a warbride and when I was growing up I thought she didn’t have much of an opinion on much either since she tended to defer to her strong-willed husband for virutally everything. But after his death, we started to hear lots of opinions (and still do toda)! It’s a chicken & egg situation I think.
While I completely “get” the concept that we’re in a half-changed world, I’m not sure that I completely “get” your post … are you suggesting that men from two generations ago didn’t listen to their wives and their wives didn’t think for themselves? I highly doubt that. I like to think that women have always thought for themselves, regardless of what role was dictated to them as social convention.
Insightful article, Nathan. I think it’s time we pull the plug on the old Venus and Mars contraption and let logic be our guide.