I have had a great love in my life. A 14-year marriage that ended with a great crash in March of last year. Understanding the how’s and why’s a marriage end is largely irrelevant to the bystander. However a marriage ends, the saddest part is the loss of that connection. The loss of that love in the universe.
It wasn’t a great crash that ended my marriage. It was a slow decent that was fueled by many things, strongest of which was my three year struggle with depression. My husband waited patiently for me to return to him. He waited for the woman he married to return to him.
…this part of love that’s hope and faith and waiting…
But, I didn’t return. That woman I was is gone forever. Perhaps it was having children, becoming a mother. Perhaps it was all those years staying home, looking after children, desperately lonely. Whatever it was, at some point, the part of love that is passion left. It left the house, it left the marriage.
…I find ways to explain your absence from my days…
There are many things that are hard about losing a marriage. We spent all of our twenties and the majority of our thirties together. A couple. We grew and changed and learned and loved. Four amazing children were born, came from a great bond. We cheered each other on through finding our places in the world. Houses were bought and sold, each one holding new promise. I lost my best friend.
…is it just history that remains…
At some point love is simply not enough. At some point we need more than that. A strong marriage can wind its way through tricky paths. Illness can be fought. But, when a marriage is shaky and divides grow it becomes harder and harder to pull back the space that is between the two. At some point we need communication and affection and communication.
…I see sadness in your face…
I was unable to give those things to my husband. Years of sadness and pulling into myself had left me lonely and feeling deserted. The distance between us was so large, I couldn’t find my way back. I was torn apart inside, losing my greatest love, but completely unable to find the words or gestures to bring him back to me.
this love has a sickness
I pushed him away. I see now that we could have fixed it. That this outcome, this divorce, this loneliness it all could have been fixed if I had been willing. If I had not let that depression run away with me. It wasn’t a great crash it was a slow decent.
Credits
Photo Credit: “Heart in Shingle” outwithmycamera @ flickr. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Song lyrics from “Start of our Decent” by Closer To Four my ex-husbands solo project. (embed at http://www.closertofour.com)
Thank you for voicing what I am still mostly unable to for, as an elf said “for me the grief is still too near”. My great love lasted over thirty years and I’m still in shock at it’s demise.
Beautifully written, and wrenching in the recognition of all that slipped away.
wow, thanks everybody! i feel a little less lonely today now.
xo
To echo Zoeyjane, yes, beautifully written.
Same thing here, and we try and try and it’s just too much time and water under a bridge I cannot even find anymore.
Thanks for making me feel less alone today/
Honest, heartbreaking, familiar…sometimes Valentines Day is about love lost I guess. Thank you for this lovely writing
The words you chose in the final paragraph, it was as if depression was an adulterer. Beautifully written, Jess, and so true.
I love this. It’s so honest. I jus love it.