I get an uncomfortable mix of emotions when I watch certain things. A ballet performance. A theatrical play. And the hit television series Glee. I imagine other former gleeks take pleasure in watching these things. But me? It teases out raw, bittersweet feelings.
So yes, I used to be a gleek. Or at the least our school’s version of a gleek. We didn’t have a glee club at our high school, but that didn’t stop a merry band of us from being card-carrying “drama club” members.
Like the cast members of Glee, we were an interesting mix of folks. There were the loud, colourful characters. The soulful, black clothing types. The big, the small, the red-haired and no-haired. We were all sorts of wonderful.
As our remaining years left in high school started to peter-out, life started to feel like pages out of a Choose your Own Adventure book.
If you remain steadfast and choose to chase your dream, turn to page 6.
Unlike a book though, I couldn’t flip through all the pages, assess the endings and then make my choice. Worse, I felt like I didn’t even know what the choices were. Let alone where they might take me.
You see, although my drama club included me as one of their own, I never really felt like I deserved to belong in it. I loved the arts, sure. But did I actually take part in the school plays? No, not really. I just never had the confidence for auditions. The pure guts required. Not to mention the skin thick enough to withstand rejection.
Instead, I kept my head down. I attended drama classes. I attended dance classes. But I never stuck my head out and asked: Am I good enough?
I sat in the audience and applauded my friends.
And so it was no surprise that when it came time to forge towards careers, I was not one of the drama club members who turned to page 6 and chased her dreams.
If you have no idea what to do, follow-along to page 7.
Life has worked out remarkably well for me since following along to page 7. In fact, for me, it feels absolutely perfect.
And yet, I still can’t help but get a pang of “what if” every now and then. And it really stings.
Stay tuned for part 2 of “Confessions of a Former Gleek” to find out how this “Choose Your Own Adventure” protagonist got rid of that “stinging” feeling.
As a former ‘drama club’ member who became an engineer, I so understand that pang. So much.
Although I don’t consider myself a “Gleek”, I do think that Glee is the new Fame. I was a dancer, musician, performer, but I also hung out with the preps, the punks and the rockers, I had a little bit of everything in High School and looking back now wouldn’t change too much, except to be there just a little bit more.
Hi BeachMama – great to see you here! The “except to be there a little more” made me chuckle and nod my head along with you. The chance to not work and to be entirely free to learn and read all day is like a gift from heaven, but squandered on the youth!
Reading this post was like turning back the clock for me. I was so pumped up at being the lead in our grade 7 play, that I still remember some of my lines (seriously). And that was, ahem, several years ago. What happens to Gleeks when they grow up? They become writers.
Loved this post.
Terry
That explains everything now! Gleeks grow up to be writers – I love it! 🙂
Hi Julie
Maybe that little ache for things that might have been is a good thing? Perhaps it’s along the lines of “better to have loved and lost ….” ? I think I will continue trying to convince myself of that since, like you, I haven’t been able to sooth it completely even after all these years.
I wanted to be Karen Kain when I grew up and the closest I got was to drive Evelyn Hart to the grocery store at the Kanata Centrum 🙂
A lot of my motivation for turning this into something positive is my daughter. She danced at a pre-professional level for years and just “graduated” i.e. stopped this year when she started university. My husband keeps saying that it’s an opportunity for her to try new things and it certainly is but he just doesn’t get that she is going to miss dancing at that level of intensity for the rest of her life. He wonders why I keep encouraging her to keep her foot in it, so to speak. Maybe if he read this blog he would begin to understand.
Thanks so much for sharing this with us, I’m certainly looking forward to Part Two!
Tatiana –
I just need to say one thing: “YOU WERE IN THE SAME SPACE AS EVELYN HART!!!!!!!????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Wow.
Also, I think maybe your husband has a point. I danced so much in highschool that I didn’t have any time to play an organized sport. When I went away to university, there were no dance classes. So my dance days ended. But I did join a rugby club. From ballet to rugby. Go figure.
LOL – I always joke that driving Evelyn to get groceries cost me a fortune because I had to have the car seat bronzed after 🙂
Speaking of Evelyn Hart, there’s an example of someone who went all the way with their dream. I often wonder what she missed out on because of the single-minded focus required to do that. I’m guessing that she wouldn’t consider it “missing out” at all.
Dancers are incredible athletes, so I’m not surprised that you went from ballet to rugby!
You know, you can always go back. I started dancing again at the age of 40 in a “mom’s” class. It helps when, after all those years, you have no expectations other than fun!
Hi Julie,
From one card carrying drama club member to another I have to say that your post hit the nail on the head.
Though, having gone the theatre route in university (well, for a couple of years anyway), I realized that what I loved about drama and where I excelled in it are incorporated into my life now even though it’s not in front of the cameras. I loved being in front of people but I never loved acting – I didn’t feel I could convincingly get across a character. Now, when I’m up in front of people, talking about careers and finding your passion – well, it’s authentic. Those years in drama helped me to have a presence at the front of the room, to enunciate clearly when facilitating, to say “yes” when a participant throws something new into the mix that might not be part of the workshop and yet makes the workshop more than it would have been had I stuck to my agenda.
Remember, there are those on the stage and then there are those behind the stage who are also essential in making it work. Those years in drama helped you learn to unlock your creativity and to observe people and things. The years of not auditioning made you keenly attuned to the feelings inside (even if you didn’t fully understand them at the time) and your ability to observe was turned inward to look back and figure out what was holding you back. Your years of taking risks in the classroom in front of your peers brought you here where you take risks and put yourself, your creativity and your talent on the cyber-stage for everyone to see.
Sometimes people jump to page 6 and that’s where they are supposed to go. Sometimes people go to page 7 and the adventure is in taking the longer route – it’s different and there are things along the way they are supposed to learn for them to find their stage and their time to shine.
From reading your blogs, Julie, you’ve found your stage and you’re shining.
Margo
Ah Margo, you are so right! Those years just in a classroom or dance class did help prepare me for things like making presentations at work or being able to handle impromptu questions from clients. Even if I didn’t have the confidence for auditons, it did help quietly build up some confidence, whether I realized it or not. And thank you so much for your kind words about my blog writing – it really means a lot.
Hi Julie,
Your post really resonates with me because I too was that choir/band/drama club nerd as well. To this day I identify as a one of those kids (I was/am a combo of the loud-black-wearing-offbeat type of weird-wonderful).
I made tough choices too but ultimately feel incredibly lucky to have made a life for myself in the professional world of the arts. Still, many years ago, I chose to take an administrative route instead of a purely artistic one in an attempt to make a decent living and so I’ve made up for the creative/artistic side in different ways. I rarely wish I’d made a different choice those many years ago but sure, I think about “what ifs” sometimes too.
Jen
Hi Jen – Thanks so much for visiting and taking the time to comment! I guess we all have our “what if” moments, but that little corner of my soul that yearns for an artistic life can be very loud some days! (Most other days are so busy, I can’t even hear a peep!)