When I was six years old, I felt very connected with God. I had a sense of peace about my world, and knew, I just knew, that one day I was supposed to be a famous writer. It was a sense of destiny that was as tangible as anything I’ve ever experienced since. I started my first novel at age 13, something about a plot to overthrow the President. Then the movie Seven Days In May came out, and stole my story line, so I set that novel aside. Then when I was in the 8th grade, our class compiled a literary magazine. I had five poems and a short story published, and was really excited about writing. Shortly after that, I stopped writing altogether, and my joy for writing had gone away. I didn’t know why.
By the time I was in college, I had trouble writing term papers, and in graduate school it was tortuous to try to finish my master’s thesis.
In 1980, I decided to try writing out my thoughts and feelings. I would sit at a typewriter, or in front of a legal pad, wanting to write, knowing that I liked to write, loved to write, wanted to write, yet somehow feeling stuck. My efforts were tentative and halfhearted, and I had to force myself to make the effort. Which was very odd, because of my writing ambitions as a young boy.
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Written February 14, 1980:
Right now I feel like an artist standing before an easel with a canvas on it who doesn’t have any idea what he’s going to write. Not even a vague idea. Making him not want to call himself an artist. All I feel is a desire to express myself in some way in words. I want to peel away the different layers of life and get at the essence of it, to see what is really there.
I’ve been thinking as I’ve read and thought about writing the last few days that to be able to write, you have to have a clearer understanding of your own feelings and emotions. If you want to evoke an emotion in a reader, you have to sense what emotion something brings out in yourself, and then try to convey that through words. All of which is a much harder process than I had originally imagined.
I am reading a wonderful book right now, titled The Last Convertible and seeing as if for the first time how truly marvelous it is that an author can lead you where he wants you to go, to make you feel those emotions he wants you to feel. The careful word choice, the arrangement of plot, the details to include and omit, I’m really starting to appreciate all those things.
All of which makes me wonder if I have that talent. I have always thought since I was a kid that I would be a writer, a novelist. Yet, a book I browsed through at the bookstore today contained a passage which stated that the author had seen some brilliant men attempt a novel and have the attempt come off bland and dull. His response was that some had it and some didn’t. Just like athletic ability. You can train all you want, but if you don’t have the talent to run in the Olympics you won’t, successfully.
So what is to be the focus of my writing? Am I trying to write for the benefit and enjoyment of others through an expression of myself? Or am I to write like I would imagine myself playing the piano; making music for my own personal enjoyment whether anyone is there to listen or not.
I’m not sure about that yet. I do know that I seem to write the most easily and the thoughts to flow most readily when I am writing for myself. When I am writing to get in touch with my own feelings, to verbalize on paper. When I have tried to write “creatively” it has seemed stilted and trite. But perhaps that is the key. I’ve got to be in touch with my own feelings and realize what I want to express before I can effectively set an expression down on paper. I must not try for style but just try to express what an event has meant to me. But it has got to be a more precise and in depth examination of what I have seen and felt. So far, I have put down a brief description of what I saw or felt, and assumed that anyone could understand what I was thinking about or was seeing what I saw. This is not enough. It will require more precision.
Also, like I mentioned before, I don’t have a topic. That is always a drawback (he says with tongue in cheek). I’m torn between drawing from my own life experiences and going outside that to just write from my own imagination. The former course has the advantage that it is familiar ground and it may be that I can better treat the subject since my writing on personal topics seems to come more easily. However, it may be that I need to break out of that line of thinking, to free myself up some. Not thinking about the fact that if I just spin a good yarn, I need to be writing thinking that someone will someday read it, but just to enjoy the spinning. And more importantly, to give me the much needed practice. Then if I get on the trail of something which really excites me, I’ll have put in my roadwork and won’t be starting on it cold turkey. Maybe just write a short story or something, and work on revising it and getting the feel I want from it, to get practice at those things I so much envy in good writers.
If I were an artist right now, the teacher would be telling me to loosen up my strokes, that they were too rigid and severe, too restrained. Maybe I need the admonition to just let the brush go for a while and see where it takes me. To just go with the flow and enjoy it, and stop thinking about it so much.
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So there I was, writing about whether to write. Was it hesitancy at owning a talent, or was there something deeper? What was going on?
Photo Credit
“The Writing Concentration” Ppedrosimonoes7. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.
Of course what timely article for me Dan! I’ve always wanted to fancy myself a writer but had to overcome some things to be able to start with blogging. Right now I’ve got a number of writing projects started and find myself putting off getting any of them finished. Like Randi mentions – to stop blocking progress with my own thoughts; I do tend to over think and ultimately overwhelm myself before I even get started. I have tons of projects like that in my computer…lots of files, article ideas, a few book ideas. Lots started, none finished…I’ll be looking forward to more of your articles on writing Dan!
Hi Susan! Great to see you over here and commenting. And I’m glad this article is timely for you! It is astonishing to me sometimes, how deeply the creativity issue affects people, and the commonality of finding ourselves with resistance to it! I do hope you keep going with those writing projects! We need what you’re sharing! Yes, Randi did say it well – blocking progress with my own thoughts! I know the feeling about the backlog of ideas and thoughts! Ten years after the journal thoughts I wrote above, I realized that I had over 2,000 pages of journal notes – many about whether I was a writer! Ironic! I hope you stop back in and visit these articles! I’m going somewhere with them, and it will blend together in a powerful theme!
Fondly,
Dan
Dan, I’m wondering if writer’s block (or any other block, for that matter) isn’t somehow tied in to how we see our life’s purpose. For years I was unable to play music, and had no interest in doing it, even though I had wanted to be a music major at one time and played professionally in my early 20’s. My father, a part-time musician himself, discouraged me from pursuing a music career because it wouldn’t likely support me. For years I tried to climb the corporate ladder–not an easy thing to do for a woman during the 70’s and 80’s. For 27 years I didn’t play. When I finally achieved my “dream” of reaching the executive suite, it turned out to be a nightmare. Shortly after I left corporate America, I started to seek my true purpose in life–and to play again. The more I focus on what I can bring to others, the more my blocks seem to fall away.
I don’t know if you are or would be a great novelist. Your writing, though, offers hope and inspiration to others, which I’m not sure you could provide in the same measure if you wrote a novel. So I’m wondering if the block wasn’t simply God’s way of turning you toward your true calling of using your talent to show others the light in the darkness.
Mary –
What wonderful and insightful thoughts! Interestingly, I had just been about to send you a note on Twitter asking more about your music! I do understand how our aptitudes can get discouraged! My Dad thought the piano was sissy, so I gave up what was a promising talent, and tried out for football! I do understand about the suffocation I felt at trying to climb the corporate ladder when it wasn’t my true calling.
Yes, as I focus on my true calling, it certainly opens things up! Interestingly, I have already written a novel that combined the elements of hope and inspiration, and the fictional realm. It will appear in these articles in a little while – as part of the writer’s block. Why I had two books that publishers were interested in, and walked away both times.
The block – now that it’s broken, it will be part of the healing journey that I share as to how I overcame it. It had a pretty sinister origin – but has been turned around into a positive thing as I share that part of my healing journey!
Thank you Mary, for stopping over here, reading my article, and offering your kind and insightful comments! I hope you keep reading – these articles are going to accelerate like an incredible mystery book! 🙂
Warmly,
Dan
Dan,
You are an excellent writer even when you are writing about what to write! I can’t believe you wrote that twenty years ago. It’s true about letting your thoughts flow. I could sit at my desk for hours trying to write and come up with nothing. When I get up and I’m distracted the thoughts flow like a waterfall! I think a huge part of writing is channeling. The words can only come through when we stop blocking them with our own thoughts!
Randi –
Thank you so much for your kind comments! I wasn’t sure if this would work to put my old journal thoughts in an article – but what I wrote so accurately described what I was feeling! Interestingly, I had to pull that off a typewritten copy – that was back during the days when I was experimenting with typing my thoughts. Went back to handwritten later, but it was odd to see something so out of date used as a writing tool!
Yes, I hear you about the channeling, and letting the thoughts come through our blocks! The block will be much of what I’m exploring in this series of articles, and I am amazed at how I’m putting together this story line! I’m channeling outside the blocks right now, and it’s exactly what you are talking about! Thanks so much for all your support!
Dan