The Dating Industrial Complex

I have long loved the blog Racialicious for it’s smart, savvy cultural commentary and criticism. Today, I’d like to bring your attention to the following post over there by Andrea (AJ) Plaid. Specifically, let’s look at these two paragraphs:

I’m hoping that Samhita Mukhopadhyay’s book, “Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life” becomes a best-seller. Because she not only takes inventory of all those dating-advice books cluttering bookshelves and e-reader lists, she also takes that rarest of inventory: an anti-racist feminist inventory of the whole dating industrial complex.

Mukhopadhyay reminds the reader throughout her book that these books consistently erase those who are not cisgender and heterosexual and able-bodied and middle-class. She also says that the dating industrial complex is also rather unkind to cisgender men–all of this because they’re trafficking in narrow stereotypes based on gender binaries. And if we believe in some sort of feminism? Well, Mukhopadhyay analyzes, these books try to make that belief the reason why we’re not getting laid, let alone married. We, to paraphrase DuBois, are the 21st century problem to be solved because, so says this literature, we dare to exist–sometimes caring about being in relationships and sometimes not.

Perhaps phrases like “dating industrial complex” give you a headache, but I have to say it’s pretty spot on. So much of the dating and relationship advice out there is driven by white, heterosexual middle class norms and biases. Furthermore, it’s hard not to notice how everything from life long spouses to one night stand partners have become packaged commodities that we “must have” at all times. The modern dating world may be more liberated in comparison to the past, but it’s also way more confusing.

While part of me is grateful that options have expanded through methods like online dating, I’m unable to ignore the rest of the baggage that has come with those expanded options. The shopping mentality many folks have. The short attention spans. The transactional expectations. It’s difficult to ignore how pervasive this stuff is. So much so that some of it even impacts couples in long term relationships. The desire to “upgrade” a partner who isn’t as “hot” and “exciting” as they used to be, for example. Or the break up of a relationship based upon the delusion that one can find a partner that will never be sick, won’t make mistakes, and will always be able to support him/herself financially.

I don’t have any easy answers or solutions for all of this. I do think it’s worth considering how modern dating and relationships norms might be impacting your life. Because sometimes, the simple recognition of patterns and attitudes that don’t serve you can make all the difference.

Photo Credit

“Outdated” Book Cover

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