“I have a friend I’ve never seen
He hides his head inside a dream”
~ Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Neil Young
Maybe I should start with how our friendship started back in the ‘70s, but to be current, I’ll talk about how it ended. Brian was an “anti-vac” and anti-masker” who believed in end-time conspiracy theories. Also, a survivalist, he had a healthy distrust of doctors and scientists.
There wasn’t much this well-regarded artist, and notable bodybuilder, couldn’t talk intelligently about. He was a lifelong friend and would help anyone who’d asked.
With mass vaccinations keeping COVID-19 at bay, I decided to reach out to him, but there was no response. Then after several weeks he called.
Uncharacteristically, he launched into a series of accusations complaining we didn’t respect his views on the virus or his ‘big brother-type’ beliefs… just humouring him. His conclusion? If we’re not on the same page, then why get together? Our overriding question to him? – was he really willing to lose relationships over it? Either way it didn’t matter… we were going to love him anyway.
Shortly afterwards he was checked into the hospital complaining of unusual muscle pains – dying days later. Tests taken showed he had suffered a brain embolism with a series of strokes going back years. Numerous studies have shown there are undeniable links between heart disease, stroke and stress.
I believe the virus didn’t cause his death, but carrying the weight of Covid-19 on his mind, did. By refusing to wear a mask he found himself in the public eye – becoming frantically obsessed. As a very private person Brian would have suffered emotionally from the negative energy it generated. And, even if we thought his effort was misplaced, you’ve got to admire his fortitude. His message: save yourself – the cure is worst than the disease.
As a society, when all this is over, we’ll have to go back to living “normal.” We must reconcile this within ourselves before addressing others: giving peace another chance! With Brian, we loved him like a brother.
The best virus-related strategy I’ve heard is to be forthcoming in setting expectations today, to save relationships tomorrow. I could advise others that there’s no sense sending out online videos or reports that likely won’t be viewed. Honestly explaining that their relationship is valued, but their choice isn’t my choice – no matter who’s right or wrong. Agree to disagree.
Hate doesn’t work for me. Neither is being judgemental. It never works out right when I’m wrong. For most folks, however, vaccine acceptance is almost universal. There may be bumps on the rollout, but the ‘vac-battle’ is over. Remembering the millions who’ve died, let the healing begin! Brian came from a place of love, not hate. Everything he did was to build the world up, not tear it down. Perhaps, that’s not a bad epitaph.
My wife, a retired nurse, suggested that if Brian would have had regular health checkups this might have been diagnosed and treated.
Fortunately, my wife had a chance to call him on his bedside phone.
He said he wasn’t afraid to die. He considered his 75 years on earth as a good age to leave it… he was content. His last words, “After all, you know my views of this world… not so great.”
Judi wept.
“Someone should call him and see
If he can come out
Try to lose the down that he’s found”
~ Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Neil Young
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That’s the way I figure it. – FP
Photo Credit
Image is from Max Pixel
First published at fredparry.ca
Guest Author Bio
Fred Parry
Fred Parry lives in Southern Ontario. He is a lover of people and a collector of stories, music, wisdom, and grandchildren. His raison d’etre? “I’m one of those people who believe that if my work serves the common good, it will last; if not, it will die with me. As a freelancer – including ten years as a Torstar columnist – I still believe that’s true.” His book, ‘The Music In Me’ (2013) Friesen Press is also available via Indigo / Chapters.
Blog / Website: www.fredparry.ca
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Losing those we love is never easy, and even harder when things are complex at the time. I think you were an amazing friend, right to the end. It isn’t easy for any of us to give of ourselves in those moments, to choose the relationship over all else, to decide to love, even if the other person sees things a different way. Yay for the high road…cheers to you and Judi 🙂 Keep the posts coming…
These are interesting times. Your story had me nodding, Fred. I admire the way you choose to keep love front and centre and acknowledge we can agree to disagree without having to lose a relationship. In my case, I’m still waiting, hoping I haven’t lost a friend forever. Either way, I’m going to love him anyway 🙂 Thanks for sharing this, and for spreading the love 😉 Take care…
Right back at you…
Thank you, Carol!
Carol,
When you lose someone you love it’s the worst because you expect a deeper level of understanding. But in Brian’s case, I’ve since found out that he’d been turning his back on his few loyal friends.
I see it as him not being his true self – because of his poor health playing an increasing major factor in his altered personality.
I’m so glad we took the high road with him – to agree to disagree.
What option do we have if we want a relationship built on mutual respect?
Be well,
Fred