When it comes to relationships, the old cliché of actions speaking louder than words simply doesn’t hold true. Good communication is the cornerstone to building a successful life together. Virtually all problems – from sex issues to financial stresses – can be solved by talking them through.
Time
The reason that many couples fail to communicate effectively is that it requires an input of time – something that many busy couples don’t feel that they have enough of. Nevertheless, it’s vital to make time for quality communication.
Relationship experts suggest that time-poor couples make an appointment with each other. When the time for the meeting comes around, couples should turn their cell phones off and try and remove any other distractions – such as TV, or even children.
Awareness
It’s often not easy to discuss sensitive emotional issues. Allow a conversation to develop before trying to engage in deeply meaningful communication. This puts both parties at ease. Try and avoid entering into discussions when there is obviously a time limit or when the other person is likely to have other things on their mind. Before work and immediately after work are particularly bad times.
Venue
If possible, arrange for any important discussions to take place away from home. If there is likely to be an argument, consider meeting in a public place where the fear of embarrassment should restrict the inclination towards raised voices.
Ideally choose somewhere with a relaxing ambiance where you won’t be moved on in a hurry. Avoid drinking alcohol if possible as this can exacerbate emotions to the extent that they destroy the discussion.
Rules
If one person has something that they wish to say, the listener should allow them time to speak without interrupting. Establishing rules prior to communication can be an important step in opening up clear channels of exchange. If there is a tendency to argue, consider banning accusatory phrases such as ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’.
Body language
When your partner speaks to you, it’s vitally important they know that you’re listening. Nobody wants to try and express their innermost feelings to someone who keeps looking at their watch or fiddling with their cell phone.
Rather than passively staring at the speaker, try listening actively. This doesn’t mean jogging on the spot – it means using your body language to indicate genuine interest. Nod your head every now and then to show that you understand. Repeating (or paraphrasing) some of their important points also shows comprehension. Make eye contact and try to resist folding your arms.
If there’s something you don’t understand, ask for clarification. If there’s something that you don’t agree with, let the person finish speaking before bringing it up. Be sure to praise the things that you love about your partner – making them feel good will mean that they’re more likely to reciprocate. Couples are better able to discuss their emotions when they feel secure.
Honesty
There’s no point trying to have a meaningful discussion if both parties aren’t honest about how they feel. Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, so don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. Trying to second-guess your partner and holding things back that you think might upset them is rarely a good idea.
The best relationships are those where couples make a point of sharing the things that others deem to be trivial. The small thoughts and worries that we carry around in our heads all go together to create our mental landscape. Sharing these with your partner will help them better understand you as a person.
Mental blocks
In some cases, one part of the couple is wary or avoids discussing their emotions altogether. Gentle encouragement can help draw them out. Also try getting them to talk by referencing books, music or films that they are emotionally moved by. Talking about how different characters might feel in different situations can paint a picture of someone’s own internal life.
If a partner completely refuses to discuss their emotions, then it might help to arrange to see a counsellor. Explain that the counsellor won’t be telling them what to do or how to live. Rather, they will provide a little oil to the wheels of communication.
Don’t force it
Trying to force a discussion on emotions won’t work. Both parties have to be willing and mentally ready to talk, and to listen. If a discussion fails, don’t get upset or give up. Simply wait until another suitable opportunity arises to open up the discussion again. Establishing good communication takes time, so try not to rush it.
Photo Credits
Conversation – By Sharon Mollerus on Flickr – Some Rights Reserved
Crossed Fingers – By Katie Tegtmeyer on Flickr – Some Rights Reserved
Guest Author Bio
Patricia Donovan
Patricia Donovan is a freelance journalist specializing in relationship psychology. She has written for numerous lifestyle magazines in both the UK and the US, and has most recently been providing guidance for eHarmony.ca.
Please Share Your Thoughts - Leave A Comment!