I am a “Stay-At-Home” dad. I can assure you, Michael Keaton did a much better job at being Mr. Mom than I will ever hope to aspire to do.
First of all, the phrase “Stay-At-Home” is a complete misnomer: Shopping, play-dates and errands continually interrupt this supposed domestic ideal. Second, and most importantly, I suggest that men have absolutely no business in trying to be Mr. Mom, EVER.
Men are just not genetically cut out for being Primary Caregivers to their children. Men make fantastic fathers, and no amount of XX chromosomes or education can make a man more effective at giving care to the offspring as women. We can’t. And for the most part, we pretty much like it that way, because at some point every man who has attempted to be the Primary Caregiver admits that he is “not cut out to do this”.
I believe that the Moms out there — past present AND future — are squarely to blame for men’s inability to be Mr. Moms. These Moms have — albeit unwittingly — set the bar way too high.
Even the men who have had to take on the role due to death, divorce, Court Order or other circumstance — and bless those who have — would never choose to be the Primary Caregivers because it’s contrary to their nature. Why? Because a major component of being a Mother requires a person to experience an overwhelming feeling of guilt at some time (or hourly), while simultaneously recognizing that they do not require constant recognition for the “Mom” work they do. Men are physically, psychologically, culturally and emotionally unequipped to feel guilty AND have their vocation, regardless of impressive title, as thankless as the role of Mr. Mom.
Every married man has uttered the words “I’m sorry” more than he’d like — and probably meant it. Many men work at jobs that would have many of us jumping off a bridge or happily quaffing cyanide at the very thought — and required no thanks for doing so.
A man needs to either be recognized for his achievements, status or physical attributes (or all three at the same time) guilt-free OR feel guilty because he knows he’s achieved more, has more money than God according to Forbes, and possesses the chiseled body of Adonis sporting an extra-large fig leaf. And, if that guy exists, he is way too busy to have children because he’d rather be at the gym working on his ‘lats’.
Being a Father means more than a man throwing the ball with his daughter or taking his son to the zoo. There are many components at work for the male individual to bond, connect, and guide his offspring to give them the best possible chance at being the best possible people once they grow up.
Men elect to do housework only to ensure a higher likelihood of sexual activity. Or, at the very least, men do housework to garner a “hall pass” from their spouses so the men can then pursue other interests — most of which do NOT include the children.
Men are about as interested in doing chores, including child rearing, as they are to be continually interrupted while watching a playoff game. (This is just as inadvisable even during the regular season, for those of you taking notes) So why would a man ever profess to want to be a “Stay at Home” dad”?
Women don’t really want their men to be the Primary Caregivers anyway. Women want the choice to work or not, do the chores or not, but NEVER has a sane woman ever considered her spouse to be a better “Mom” to her kids than she is.
Women deserve equality in every way to men, as they are just as capable in every role as a man, with the glaring exception of child rearing. And every man is okay with that, because deep down at the center of our paternal core we acknowledge that we could never, ever replace Mommy.
Photo Credit
“Hey, wait dad!” Tambako the Jaguar @Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Wow – I’ve finally gotten a chance to peruse Life As A Human. I have enjoyed the pieces I’ve read thus far. All except for this one… My hubby is a stay-at-home god. I mean Dad… I must confess we don’t subscribe to miles of peter’s (couldn’t help myself – mind runs to the gutter) personal feelings about being the stay at home parent. Hmmm. He says, and I quote, ” I suggest that men have absolutely no business in trying to be Mr. Mom, EVER.” Really? No business? Ouch.
This way of life is certainly not the one we had planned for our family. However, circumstance and practicality have determined it to be the one for us, and it works pretty well. My husband, Daniel, is a phenomenal father, husband, homemaker, and bread-baker… Our lawn is always well-kept, our laundry always done (he irons. HE IRONS!!!), the children (all four of them) are loved and nurtured and fed and chauffered and coached (pardon the lack of punctuation). He packs their lunches, volunteers in their classrooms, coaches their sport teams, and hosts their get-togethers with friends.
When I come home from work, I am greeted with a warm smile, a little fan-fare (my kiddos), the aroma of a warm dinner, and an ice-cold adult beverage. Did I mention that he is also in phenomenal shape? Once he gets the kids off to school – he looks after the household business and then hits the home gym (in our 3rd car garage). I secretly think of him as my trophy husband (minus the independently wealthy bit) as he is 40+ and as beautiful on the outside as he is on the inside. And he STILL finds time to watch hockey… I guess we’re independently dependent (or is it co-dependant?) on each other.
Where, oh where, did I find this man (and I know he can’t possibly be the only one of his kind)??? Pure chance or dumb luck (or maybe it was meant to be). He was raised with three siblings in Montreal, Quebec by a single mom. She taught him (and his siblings) to do the laundry, iron, cook (most things domestic) and be comfortable in any circumstance with any crowd. Did I mention he used to have a real “MAN JOB” (sounds of thumping on chest) in the airline industry? He’s done it all – and the thing he does best (better than I EVER did) is run the household and take care of our children. If I were the Mrs. Mom, I swear they’d all be home-schooled, we’d be raising chickens, and the yard work would be done by the goats. There would be NO clean clothes, no play-dates, and probably no homework done. Okay, it’s true – I am the president of his one-woman fan club.
That being said – I’m not trying to hack on you, Peter. It’s just that I am of the opinion that you are selling yourself and most Dads SHORT! You are a SUPER-HERO! You are shaping the lives of your children… I admire that in a man. All the best to you.
This is such an interesting debate. One man’s humour is another person’s scorn. I took Peter’s piece to be totally tongue in cheek, but perhaps that’s subjective as well.
I spent 10 years in journalism and am in my 15th year in PR. On both sides of the desk I’ve learned to not stifle opinions as freedom of speech is one of the rights we enjoy in North America. As an editor I have learned to let the stories come through, and my job was to help shape them and ensure they were accurate. In this case, I can see Peter Miles’ humour, so I would not have changed it.
I would add that if this is his experience as a human and this is his sardonic way of expressing it, his article belongs here. I don’t have to agree with it, just as he doesn’t have to agree with my writing. If I only read publications that support my beliefs, I’d have to cancel my newspaper, burn magazines, throw out my TV and cancel my internet subscription. Hallelujah! I’d have no one to spur me on to greater thought!
Actually I find that LAAH is delivering exactly what it wrote it would.
Human ‘s daily living. Humans thoughts and attitudes, from all walks of life, humans daily thoughts, humans with different senses one from the other. We have the wonderful freedom of expression. We are blessed for that.
In other words, the articles and replies can be serious, or funny. Just like we all can be. Funny or not.
That’s life.That’s LAAH.
Joan.
I couldn’t agree more, Joan. LAAH is rich in diversity. Just as our tastes in music, art, fashion and food vary, so do our tastes in what we prefer to read (or write). I liked your post, Peter. Keep it up!
Thanks for the support, Terry – While I stand by my work, and put it out to the ether to see what is floating about, regardless of result – I still can’t figure out how to fold fitted sheets!!!
Is this supposed to be funny or serious? I can’t tell.
If it’s supposed to be funny this would make it a writing failure – because I do have a tolerant and well-honed sense of humour. Even if I don’t agree, I could at least be entertained by some levity and a well-turned phrase. Sadly, none to be found here.
If it’s supposed to be serious, there is certainly no evidence to back up these tired, outdated assertions, no fresh perspective to shed on the topic.
All in all not the kind of writing content or quality I was expecting from this publication. I thought LAAH was supposed to deliver insight, not controversy for its own sake.
I agree with the criticisms from John and coffeewithjulie. The other problem I see here is the assumption that women are somehow fine with feeling guilty all the time and do not want recognition for their hard work and efforts as mothers. I can guarantee that a Stay-At-Home mom would love some recognition just as much as a Stay-At-Home Dad and no one wants to feel guilty. This article essentializes something that is really a complex issue. It is a fallacy to say that no man would EVER choose to be a primary caregiver. I’m sure there are lots of men out there who have made exactly this choice. What you have done is laid out a stereotypical image of a man–one that, as coffeewithjulie points out, we really need to move beyond. Maybe some men fall into these stereotypes, but certainly not all of them. I know that this was meant to be a tongue in cheek look at Fatherhood, but I think the strict reproduction of gender roles and appeal to biology takes away from anything that might be funny. I was particular offended by the part about “hall-passes” as if wives are nasty second grade teachers who don’t want their husbands to have any fun. Maybe some men do housework because they’re interested in sharing the work load and creating a life where both partners can have some time to pursue other interests. Mothers want to pursue personal interests outside of child-rearing just as much as Fathers. It’s dangerous to assume that all women are completely fulfilled by motherhood and have no other goals, just as it’s dangerous to assume that men are incapable of achieving some fulfillment through parenting.
Thanks to those that have responded to this post. Evidently I have raised the ire of some of you, which means two things: 1. You can actually READ, and 2. This article, regardless of how the content is perceived has got you thinking.
Wow. The system actually works!
OK. First off, please be assured that I have a sense of humor. In fact, some of my best friends are humorists. With that out of the way, I’d like to say that I’d really like us to move on from the stereotyping of men as incompetent primary caregivers.
I really wish that as a society we were past this issue but clearly we aren’t. The cringe-inducing image of the “bumbling dad” has been a staple element of TV commercials and magazine advertising for as long as I can remember. And as much as I’d like to be able to shrug it off as a good-natured poke in the ribs, I know of too many men – and women – who still buy into the stereotype.
The reality is that we need to encourage more guys to take on the role when the opportunity presents itself and to let potential stay at home dads know that it is a privilege and an immensely rewarding experience.
As you are a stay at home dad yourself, I know you know this too. Keep the humor but consider writing about your caregiving experiences from a more positive perspective so that our children will be free to raise their kids without the constraints of this outdated and damaging attitude.
Wow, Peter, there is so much here that I disagree with that I don’t know where to start!
So I’ll go to just one: You suggest that “primary caregiver” is synonymous with “mother.” Have we not moved past such primitive conceptions of gender roles? Of course, I wouldn’t consider my husband to be a better “mom” — because he is my children’s “dad.” I know a number of fathers who are very well suited in terms of temperament and skill for the role of primary caregiver (my own husband included). And I think that the fathers I know who are — by choice — the primary caregivers to their children as a result of divorce would also stongly disagree with the premise of this post.
Good day my friend I must say that this was one of the most interesting post I have found this year so far!
But I wanted to clear some things up for You…. You are right about Us not being the right one for care-giving to Kids.
But not all men are equal for instance I DON’T LIKE to watch sports, and I hate to hang out with the guys…
I have had a very, hard experience in my life were I was locked up for 11years. I lost my 3 yr old daughter and now I have started a new life, presently I am the Mommy of my 2 kids since getting a JOB out of the house was like not a good thing for a convicted felon (Murder) so I learned how to use My PC to create an Income.
So now I am Mommy and Daddy not to say that my wife is not around but I do play a big art of my Kids growing up..
However it may seem I think We are completely capable of raising kids ( just like the Seahorse does)
Great article hope to read more from You..
Thanks for the Heads up
Norman Flecha
Straight Talk
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