“Dan, you have a gift. You write very powerfully. It’s time to let that gift loose.”
Those were strong words, coming as they did, from my friend Joan, an English teacher. She was also very knowledgeable, very intuitive, and I trusted her judgment a lot. So it was hard to discount her words. But I tried.
“I hear you, Joan, but it’s just tough to find a place to start. I don’t know what to write about.” As I said it, I could hear the defeat in my voice — but that was my continuing struggle.
And yet the drive to write in me was so strong, I found myself trying to push through the writer’s block. “Write what you know.” they said, so I decided to try that. I was attending 12 step meetings for people who had grown up with alcoholism, and those experiences were on the top emotionally for me. I began to write about my experiences growing up, and how it affected me as an adult.
I was still struggling to find a voice, though. My words still came out sounding like a boring recording. But one of the reasons Joan had encouraged me to write was because of letters she had received from me. I was a very active letter writer, and wrote regularly to a lot of friends. Numerous other friends had praised my writing skills from my letters. When I’d write to a friend, my words would flow freely, and it was effortless. That was why I was puzzled when a friend would rave about what I had written —because it felt like I had just dashed off a letter quickly, and it didn’t seem like that big a deal.
Suddenly one day, I connected the dots and realized I might have something. Talk about your experiences and whatever is on your mind — only write it like a letter to a friend! It felt like a big awakening for me to realize that. And it would have to be hand written — like I would in a letter. Something about the tactile experience of putting pen to paper, I knew intuitively, worked well for me.
But would writing it as a letter work? What did I have to lose if it didn’t? I was stuck anyway, so why not take a chance? I gave it a try.
_________
Dear Joan,
As I look back at my past and what has happened, I’m struck by the feeling of searching I continually experienced. On ski trips, while scuba diving, going to parties, on a date; whatever the activity, there was always nagging at the back of my brain a vague uneasiness. Some part of me saying “this isn’t it”, some deep seated need still unmet. It was a long time before I could even identify that the feeling was there. It felt like a void, a sense of emptiness, essential aloneness. I’ve been so lonely standing in a crowd I ached. Even when I went skiing with good friends, in what I consider God’s country, with the most beautiful scenery on earth, the little message still nagged, “this isn’t it.” What I was searching for was in one word — peace. I wanted to feel at peace with myself and my world. But what did the word peace really mean? It was just a term I’d heard a lot of people talk about.
My misconception was that peace came from external sources — from without. It didn’t happen that way, and all I did was put tremendous strain on people and events to fill that need. In my experience, peace must come from within. I took a long time to get that message, yet the result is real and totally sufficient. Having peace within leads to joy, and joy was unexpected for me. I didn’t think I’d ever see it and I didn’t think I deserved it.
Low self esteem has always been a problem for me; I grew up with a serious inferiority complex, and it took a long time to develop a healthy self image. Paradoxically, I was always proud, self willed and rebellious, because I didn’t trust God. My prayer life was a struggle for the same reason. I’ve identified and overcome a lot of those hindrances.
Since I have a wide circle of friends, I have had ample opportunities to practice what I consider the manifestation of low self esteem and lack of trust in God — unhealthy relating methods. I saw quite a while back that something wasn’t clicking in my romantic relationships; only recently have I seen how pervasive the problem has been. I have caused a lot of pain to myself and others through the poor techniques of having my needs met through other people.
Those are just the first thoughts that come to mind — more later!
Thanks for listening,
Dan
_____
Well what do you know! It felt comfortable, it was easy to write, and I could imagine Joan sitting and reading what I had written. I could even hear the words as if I were saying them to her in a conversation. It was exciting! I had found my voice.
Photo Credits
“Writing” The Welsh Poppy @Flickr.com. Creative Commons. Some rights reserved.
Let’s do it Thursday….
About what time?
We seriously need to have a LAAH get together,so we can all join up, there are so many amazing wonderful, talented people here whom I only get to visit with virtually, yet whom I’d embrace in warm hug if I were ever to see them in person! 🙂 Be well Dan, you deserve all the happiness in the world!
That is such a great idea! I’m going to keep a LAAH writing conference as a vision. We are coming up to our one year anniversary on Feb 1 so it’s a good time for new goals!
Dynamite idea, Mary, to have an LAAH get together, and I love the way you’re supporting it Kerry! Count me in! 🙂
Dan,
this is such a great article! So heartfelt and powerful! I like hearing stories about how other writers became writers and also how they work. I really enjoy your writing! I’m glad we are both here at LAAH, I’m honored to be among your talent!
Thank you Mary! I thought this article would resonate for you because you had such a similar experience with being told “go forward as a writer!” I too am delighted to connect with you here at LAAH and to share the writing experience as we’ve been doing! This is so cool! 🙂
Lisa, I do know what you mean! I just finished another article for this series where I gave up writing for a long time. It felt like a soul death! As you say – as though I lost my only friend! I do know.
I hope this technique, or maybe the others I will share in upcoming posts, will give you something that you can use. I’m actually exploring my next book through this series of articles. If you read the first one published, and go forward from there, you’ll start to get the flow of what I’m doing. In about 3 more articles, the journey is going to take a huge turn toward the origin of my writer’s block – I hope you stop back by and give it a read. It may resonate in some way.
Regards,
Dan
I will check back and read all the posts on this topic (and others that might be helpful too) ;). I also relate to what you said above that people told you you were a great writer after writing letters to them. I remember something similar. My friend lost her son to suicide. I wanted to write something insightful and comforting and lovely to give her in her grief. I couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t sound trite and heavy-handed. Finally, in the parking lot of the funeral home, I dashed something off quickly. I have no idea what I wrote. But she came up to me later and told me it was the best card she had received and that I was doing myself (and the world) a disservice by not pursuing my writing. Go figure. Hmpf. 😉
Excellent Lisa! I suspect this article string will stir up some similar experiences for you! Isn’t that an odd feeling – to dash off something and have someone tell you it was so wonderful! But her last statement was compelling – “I was doing myself (and the world) a disservice by not pursuing my writing.” That’s a call to action. I’ve had a number of them myself, such as the one from Joan that started this article. That’s what made it so frustrating when I couldn’t access that creativity freely!
I hope you continue to pursue what’s in the way, as I have done and share through these articles!
Dan
I have been a blocked writer for many years…used to write every day, never finished anything. Haven’t even STARTED anything in years. Haven’t so much as opened a notebook to write a journal entry. The crazy thing is, I’ve missed my writing as though I lost my only friend. I read other people’s gentle and insightful blog entries and I think, “I could do that!” Still, I try to write and I freeze up. Maybe I will try this technique. It certainly couldn’t hurt. Anyway, thanks for your blog and for your willingness to share your journey.
Before my kids were born and even after my son was born, I wrote at least 1-3 letters a week to friends and family. These were often very long letters when we lived far from home. When my daughter was born and I had two babies under 2 to take care of, letter writing went out the window. I didn’t have the time for much of anything except taking care of my children.
This next week, on my blog, I plan to share several letters that I wrote to different family members during my recovery process. I had misplaced my copies and my sister found the ones that I had mailed a copy of to her. Letters can share so much emotion and so much healing in them. I always enjoy stumbling across a letter that I wrote years ago. Letters are like journal entries where I shared parts of my life with someone else through the mail.
I may very well try your letter writing idea when I start to write my own book. I have already bought several notebooks for writing it by hand. Like you, the writing by hand gives me more connection to my words.
Wow, Patricia – what a wonderful idea for your blog! I love it! Sharing letters to family members during your recovery process. I can’t wait to read those, and I just bet they’ll have an enormous amount of insight in them!
I like the idea of using this technique when you start to write your book! As you can tell, it certainly worked well for me, and I continue to use it! Sometimes now I can get away with composing on the computer, but longhand is still tough to beat for just letting it flow!
I can’t wait to read your book! 🙂
Dan
Dear Dan,
I so agree! Writing to a real person makes writing come alive. It’s the difference between talking on a platform to a bunch of empty chairs or to people who are listening and want to know what you are saying.
When I write my eating disorder recovery articles (and book) I always have a person in mind. My writing changes as I imagine a person at a different stage of recovery. The shift is unconscious. My hunch is that if I tried to plan such a difference in tone or content it would not ring true. But when I see a person struggling in the first week of recovery a different kind of writing comes out of me than when I see a women with five years of recovery behind her and new challenges emerging in her life.
Nice to find you on Twitter!
Joanna Poppink, MFT
Los Angeles psychotherapist
author: Healing Your Hungry Heart
Joanna –
Thanks for commenting on this article, and your wonderful feedback. It just validates what a wonderful technique I had stumbled across here. I think now I write that way almost without being aware of it – because it just feels more natural. Interesting to hear that your writing changes as you imagine a person at a different stage of recovery – I could definitely see how that would work!
Great to connect with you on Twitter as well! 🙂
Regards,
Dan
I love this idea of finding your voice by writing “letters” … I agree that there is something different about putting pen to paper and imagining writing to a particular person than sitting at a computer and staring at a blank screen. I have certainly used journaling as a way to relax into the writing process, but I may have to try your notion of “letter writing” as a way to drop into the process of writing. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Ellen – yes, that “aha” moment where I started writing to someone instead of void certainly turned things around for me. I think I do it now more automatically, without even being aware of it! Glad you saw it as something you could try also! 🙂